Elaines Secret Admirer

Elaine:It's just a sudden urge. I wake up one morning and I think, 'I'm going to paint.'

Alex:Elaine, you say that about everything. Last week it was pottery. The week before, you were going to be a dancer.

Elaine:Well, those were different.

Alex:Were they? Because I'm still storing your kiln in my apartment.

Alex:We'll help you paint your apartment.

Elaine:Oh, that's so sweet of you guys.

Alex:How often do you repaint anyway?

Elaine:Well, let's see... after I broke up with David, I painted it blue. Then after things ended with Mark, I did it yellow. And after the thing with Robert, I went with this green.

Alex:So you paint your apartment every time you have a breakup?

Elaine:I guess I do, don't I? At least the walls look great.

Elaine:I painted twenty paintings this year.

Bobby:Twenty? What happened?

Elaine:I had a rough year.

Elaine:Look at all these layers of paint. Each one is like a relationship I've had.

Bobby:What about that one at the bottom?

Elaine:That's dull gray. That's my ex-husband.

Jim:You want to know the secret to painting hair? You gotta use a very light touch, see? And you work from the roots to the tips, nice and easy.

Jim:But the real trick? You gotta stand on your head while you're doing it. That way all the blood rushes to your brain and you get better color saturation.

Jim:And make sure you're painting in the dark. The hair can't see what you're doing, so it won't tense up on you.

Jim:You should paint your hair.

Tony:Paint my hair? What are you, crazy? Why would I paint my hair?

Jim:Well, you could dye it instead.

Tony:We should focus on work.

Bobby:You know what? You're right.

Tony:Let's stop working and focus on drinking instead.

Bobby:Now that's the best idea you've had all day.

Tony:I'm not just watching TV, I'm studying the paintings on the wall while the TV is on.

Tony:See, I've reached a compromise — I turn the sound off so I can concentrate on my work.

Tony:This way, the TV keeps me company without distracting me.

Tony:Of course, I have no idea what's happening on the screen, but at least I'm not missing anything important.

Louie:You want a padlock for your locker? I got two kinds. This one here costs five bucks. This one costs ten.

Driver:What's the difference?

Louie:The ten dollar one, I gotta work a little harder to get it open.

Elaine:These poems are terrible. They're saccharine, they're overwrought, they're completely devoid of any real literary merit.

Elaine:But I have to admit... they're working on me. Despite everything I know intellectually, they're actually making me feel something.

Alex:I'm not much of a poet.

Alex:My wife read one of my poems and gave it a C minus.

Alex:She said the only thing worse than my rhyme scheme was my meter.

Alex:Then she graded it.

Elaine:You wrote it?

Louie:What, you don't believe me?

Elaine:No.

Louie:Well, that hurts.

Louie:Roses are red, violets are blue, I got a yen for you and your... uh... shoe.

Louie:Your eyes are like diamonds, your skin is like cream, you make me want to... uh... scream? No wait, dream. I mean, your body's a dream and I wanna... I mean...

Louie:Look, forget the poetry. How about we skip right to the part where we're both naked?

Louie:I got a poem for you.

Elaine:Oh, Louie, I don't think that's a good idea.

Louie:No, no, listen to this. 'Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm thinking of you... and your—'

Elaine:Oh, my God! Louie! That is disgusting!

Louie:I was close though, wasn't I? I was real close.

Alex:Jim, you said you were taking the weekend off. You've been gone for nine days.

Jim:Yeah, well, in the metric system, a weekend is ten days.

Elaine:He's got these piercing blue eyes, perfect bone structure, this incredible smile, and he's really tall and athletic...

Elaine:He's not bad looking.

Jim:Well, if he publishes under his own name, first they'll criticize his poetry. Then they'll criticize his prose. Then they'll criticize his life choices. Eventually they'll criticize his entire existence. By staying anonymous, he avoids all that.

Alex:Are you the poet?

Jim:Am I the poet? Are you the poet?

Jim:I went to the library to find a poem, but they didn't have it.

Alex:Which poem?

Jim:That wasn't the problem. The problem was finding the library itself.

Alex:Why won't you tell Elaine?

Jim:Because if I tell Elaine, she'll tell Louie. And if Louie finds out, he'll tell me he knows. And then I'll have to tell him I know he knows. And that'll make him think I know something he doesn't know I know.

Alex:Why won't you reveal yourself?

Jim:Because I can't reveal myself until I know who I am, and I can't know who I am until I reveal myself.

Jim:People think I'm a flake.

Alex:Who thinks that?

Jim:Well, mainly me.

Jim:Shake on it?

Alex:We already shook hands.

Jim:I know, but I liked it.

Don:I completely fooled Elaine. She believed every word I said.

Jim:Yeah? Well, I believed Don when he said he was taking me to see the Knicks game. Turned out it was a high school JV team.

Alex:You got a headache? Nausea? Dry mouth? Blurred vision? Sensitivity to light and sound?

Jim:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alex:You're dying.

Jim:No, I feel fine.

Jim:I got a headache, my mouth tastes like old carpet, and I can't remember anything after my third martini.

Alex:Sounds like you're having a rough morning.

Jim:When I'm alone, all by myself, I clam up.

Tony:I'm taking a weekend trip to Atlantic City.

Jim:Atlantic City? That's only nine hours away.

Tony:So?

Jim:So if you leave Friday night and come back Sunday night, that's nine days.

Elaine:Was it... Sylvia? No? Margaret? Dorothy? Helen? Susan? Patricia? Barbara? Nancy? Carol? Sandra? Diane?

Elaine:So it must be nobody from the garage.

Alex:Yeah, that's right.

Jim:I've got just the thing to cheer you up, Elaine. A little pick-me-up that'll have you feeling better in no time.

Elaine:Really? What is it?

Jim:It's a wonderful new medicine. Works like a charm. Only side effect is it wears off.

Jim:I built her a castle.

Jim:She loved it so much, she said, 'Jim, where did you get this?' I said, 'I built it.' She said, 'But where?' I said, 'Right here in the apartment.' She said, 'I've never seen it before.' I said, 'It's been here the whole time!' She said, 'Well, I'm looking right now and I don't see it.' I said, 'It's right there!' She said, 'Jim, I'm standing next to you. Where is this castle?' I said, 'Behind the couch.' She said, 'There's nothing behind the couch.' And she was right.

Jim:Well, I tried to take a shortcut to the flower shop, but I ended up at the airport instead. So I bought her a duty-free perfume and told her it was a thoughtful gesture.

Elaine:What about the moat?

Jim:Oh, I didn't include a moat.

Elaine:Why didn't you drive your van?

Jim:Well, I decided to take the castle instead.

Elaine:Castle? What castle?

Jim:That's what I call my van now. It's got a little turret on top.

Jim:You could move in here for a year or so.

Elaine:You know, Jim, you're a really good person.

Jim:I know.

Jim:Yeah, well, times have changed. Used to be a guy could be wonderful and romantic. Now you gotta pick one.