Latkas Revolting

Latka:They say back home the currency is now worth nothing. The new exchange rate is 400 Drachmas to one American penny.

Latka:And the King, he is vacationing in Blorfistan for the mineral waters.

Latka:12 feet is terrible for pole vaulting

Latka:You know, in my country, we vault over much lower poles. Twelve feet is very high.

Tony:Yeah, well this is America. We do things bigger here.

Latka:But the ceiling in this room, it is only ten feet high.

Latka:A farmer, he goes to the barn one morning to milk the cow. But he is very tired, you know? So he sits down, he starts to milk... but is not a cow. Is a bull! The farmer, he looks up and says, 'No wonder the milk tastes funny!'

Unknown character:Good morning!

Louie:Good morning? It's 11 o'clock at night!

Unknown character:Clam brain? That's an improvement. Last week he called me a knucklehead.

Latka:Louie, I need to go home. There is revolution emergency in my country.

Louie:Of course, kid. I understand. Family comes first. You go take care of what you need to take care of.

Latka:Thank you, Louie. Thank you so much.

Louie:Don't mention it. But I gotta dock you for the days you're gone. It comes out of your vacation time.

Louie De Palma:You know what your problem is, Latka? You think too much. You gotta stop thinking and start doing. But not doing what you're thinking about doing - do something else entirely. See, most people, they make a plan and they stick to it. You gotta make a plan and then forget about it. That way, when things don't work out, you won't be disappointed because you weren't expecting them to work out in the first place.

Louie De Palma:So I'm standing here giving you all this great advice, and I just realized - I have no idea what I'm talking about.

Louie:What are you, some kinda foreigner? Get outta here with that gibberish!

Unknown character:It's like watching a nature documentary. Two animals approaching each other, the ritualistic movements, the strange vocalizations...

Unknown character:I half expect David Attenborough to jump out and whisper, 'And here we see the mating ritual of the urban New Yorker.'

Latka:He said, 'Thank you very much, you are a very good driver.'

Unknown character:Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England.

Baschi:Yeah, I was working on 'Sid's Carwash'.

Unknown character:Oh, you were in a movie?

Baschi:No, I actually worked at a carwash.

Baschi:Look at you, so Americanized! You think those are fine clothes?

Latka:What's wrong with my outfit?

Baschi:Fine clothes? In my country, we wouldn't use them to clean the taxi!

Baschi:Filagloots en dereekis, mandaris fel bloop bloop. Shilentarry gondolas, mellifluous poop poop.

Latka:I must go back to my country and fight in the war.

Tony:Latka, you can't go back there. It's too dangerous.

Latka:I have no choice. It is my duty as a general.

Latka:Louie, he calls me names, he push me around, but I say to myself, 'Latka, it could be worse.' At least he don't make me pay for the privilege.

Latka:I go to party and I mingle with the ladies.

Alex:You mean mingle, Latka.

Latka:Yes, yes, that's what I said - I mingle!

Tony:We were all together in the war, and I didn't know if we'd all make it back alive.

Unknown character:Did you all survive?

Tony:Yeah, we all made it back. Two of them got married, opened up a flower shop together.

Latka:She's going to offer me something very special.

Elaine:Latka, would you like to come back to my place?

Latka:Yes! Yes, I would love to!

Elaine:We could... well, we could do things that are really quite intimate.

Latka:Oh my God, yes!

Elaine:I could make you a nice home-cooked meal.

Latka:That's it? That's all? No, no, we do the other thing first, then you make me dinner.

Latka:Yes, well, in my country, we promote very quickly. You become general, you live maybe two, three years.

Unknown character:Sarcastic comment about everyone wanting to try it

Latka:In my country, we have tradition. When man drinks, he must do this...

Latka:In my country, we have many beautiful traditions. For wedding, we throw rice at bride and groom.

Tony:That's nice. We do that here too.

Latka:Yes, but in my village, we throw it while it is still on fire.

Alex:On fire?

Latka:Is traditional. And for christening, we do not use water. We use hot tar.

Louie:Hot tar?

Latka:Very hot tar. And at funeral, we tie the deceased to wild horse and let it drag body through village square for three days.

Bobby:Three days? What's left after three days?

Latka:The horse, usually.

Jim:I'm going to fight in the revolution.

Latka:Jim, you can't do that. America doesn't get involved in foreign conflicts.

Jim:Well, I'm doing it unilaterally.

Jim:I'll fight you, Latka. I'll fight you right now.

Latka:You want to fight me?

Jim:Yeah, I want to fight you.

Latka:Okay, let's fight.

Jim:On behalf of the United States of America, I'm declaring war on your country!

Jim:I declare war on the cockroaches! I declare war on the pigeons! I declare war on the pot holes!

Latka:Jim, Jim, who is the real enemy?

Jim:What do you mean? I just told you!

Latka:No, no. The cockroaches, the pigeons, the pot holes — they are not the enemy. The enemy is apathy, indifference, the slow death of the human spirit!

Jim:Latka, I'm at war with those things.

Latka:Then you are at war with yourself, my friend.

Louie:You're leaving me? After all I've done for you? I give you a job, I give you severance pay, and this is how you repay me? You're abandoning America!

Latka:But Mr. De Palma, I am not abandoning America. America is abandoning me.

Louie:Don't you give me that foreign born baloney!

Louie:I wouldn't go to a party for you if you paid me, you foreign freak.

Latka:Okay, Louie. I understand.

Louie:Don't look so sad. Tell you what — I'll stop by for five minutes. And Latka? I hope you have a great time.

Louie:You want me to come to your party? Well, I'm not coming. I hate parties. I hate people. I hate fun.

Other character:Please, Louie, we really want you there.

Louie:The answer is no. And that's final.

Other character:Okay, we don't want you there. We think you'd ruin it.

Louie:Now I'm coming!

Bobby:Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety.

Latka:You know, we should send them a thank you note. They sound like a nice couple.

Baschi:Look at this map. Here are the rebel forces, and here is the government army.

Latka:We are doomed.

All:Completely doomed.

Baschi:We must still go fight despite impossible odds.

Baschi:Mok-sha verti kala shen-da!

Latka:I reject the revolution and Baschi!

Latka:Now I do completely mundane American evening activity.

Latka:I must leave now. I go back to my country to fight in the revolution!

Tony:Latka, that's great! What are you going to do when you get back?

Latka:I will join the freedom fighters. We will battle the oppressors!

Bobby:Sounds exciting. So what's your first night back going to be like?

Latka:First night? I go to my apartment, I watch the television, maybe I have some soup.

Latka:I am American! I am American! *sings* Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early light... *switches to foreign accent* ...vhat so proudly ve hailed at the twilight's last gleaming!