Alexs Romance

Bobby:I don't cry about being dropped from a soap opera. You know why? Because I'm driving a cab now, and I'm happy!

Alex:Look, the last woman you set me up with thought the solution to world hunger was nude skydiving.

Bob:So?

Alex:So? Bob, you can't solve world hunger by jumping out of a plane with no clothes on!

Bob:Well, how do you know?

Alex:Because it doesn't make any sense!

Joyce:You know, in some primitive cultures, they still practice arranged marriages.

Joyce:I just realized... that's what happened to me.

Bob:Alex, Joyce, I'd like you to meet each other. I think you two have a lot in common.

Bob:Well, look at the time! I've got to... be somewhere else. Anywhere else, really.

Bob:You two just get to know each other. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

Alex:Do you come here often?

Woman:Why? Are you going to try to pick me up?

Alex:No, I just thought if you do, maybe you could tell me what they put in the drinks. Whatever it is, it's really effective.

Joyce:I got fired from my job.

Alex:Well, at least you had a good job to get fired from.

Alex:Well, congratulations on being despised three years in a row. That's quite an accomplishment.

Alex:Joyce, I just heard about what happened. That's terrible.

Joyce:Yeah, well, that's show business.

Alex:Listen, don't worry. When I get married and have a happy home, you can come destroy it. Free of charge.

Alex Reiger:Don't feel sorry for yourself. I'm a swashbuckling ne'er-do-well, and I still manage to ask women out on dates.

Alex:My passionate speech about dinner

Joyce:Your loss of control

Alex:The 'framed documents' are actually health department subpoenas

Joyce:Your winter home? You mean your apartment?

Alex:Well, sure. In the summer, I open the windows.

Alex:Look at this vase! It's from the Ming Dynasty.

Other Character:That's beautiful. Where exactly is it from?

Alex:Ming Dynasty. It's this great little shop down on Fifth Avenue.

Joyce:There's something I have to tell you, Alex.

Alex:What is it?

Joyce:The obvious fact that you're a man.

Alex:Yeah, I'm married. Hey honey, can you hear me?

Wife:What?

Alex:Nothing, just checking. She stays in there all the time.

Joyce:You promised we wouldn't get involved in this.

Alex:I know, but technically I said I wouldn't get involved. I never said anything about my twin brother.

Joyce:Kissing will never work.

Alex:What? Why not?

Joyce:Because it's ridiculous. You're just pressing your face against someone else's face.

Alex:Well, when you put it that way... yeah, that does sound pretty disgusting.

Alex:So a man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and he says to the bartender, 'Pint of bitter, please, and one for the road.'

Joyce:Alex!

Alex:What? I'm not trying to be funny.

Alex:A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar...

Joyce:Skip to the punchline.

Alex:You know how you can tell I'm in a good mood? I apologized to a chair this morning.

Alex Reiger:I'm worried I'm talking to the furniture.

Louie De Palma:That's nothing. You're really in trouble when the furniture starts talking back to you.

Tony:Oh, it must be the cab driving. There's nothing like spending eight hours a day in a metal box breathing exhaust fumes to put you in a good mood.

Alex:Yeah, that's it exactly.

Tony:I knew it! That's what keeps me happy too.

Alex:It's like being on a roller coaster and hoping the ride never ends, if you know what I mean.

Louie:You call that a break? When I was your age, I worked 16 hours a day, seven days a week. No breaks. That's dedication.

Louie:You know Napoleon? He didn't take breaks. Conquered half of Europe without a coffee break.

Louie:And Washington crossing the Delaware? In the middle of winter. You think he stopped for coffee? No! That's a man with dedication.

Louie:The slaves built the pyramids - now there's dedication. No union, no OSHA, no coffee breaks.

Latka:Louie, you call me communist?

Latka:I'm not communist. I'm a Czechoslovakian.

Louie:Don't let this go to your head, but you could have your way with me.

Joyce:You were right.

Alex:I'm going to marry Joyce.

Tony:That's wonderful!

Bobby:Congratulations!

Louie:That's great news!

Alex:We're going to live in New York.

Tony:Oh... well, that's not so wonderful.

Bobby:New York? That's terrible!

Louie:You're out of your mind!

Alex:I'm not proposing. I'm running for governor.

Joyce:You're running for governor?

Alex:Yeah, I figured it's easier than getting married.

Joyce:You bought candles, you bought wine, you bought flowers...

Alex:Joyce, I can explain—

Joyce:And you're wearing cologne. Alex, you never wear cologne.

Alex:Look, it's not what you think—

Joyce:Who is she?

Alex:There is no she! I just... I heard the doorbell ring and I panicked!

Alex:Two weeks? That's a long relationship.

Alex:I'm exhausted. I need a break.

Alex:Wait, no — forget I said that. I take it back. We're good. We're fine.

Joyce:You have to listen to me, Alex.

Alex:Joyce, I got three marriage proposals tonight.

Joyce:Three proposals? From who?

Alex:My mother, my priest, and a woman at the bus stop.

Joyce:What reason do you have to want to marry me?

Alex:Audacity.

Joyce:I hear wedding bells.

Alex:Where? Where are they? I don't hear anything. Oh my God, they're getting closer!

Alex:You hear that? That's the sound of two men picking up their violins.

Alex:One of them had a broken bridge. I told him it would cost about thirty bucks to fix.

Alex:The other guy just needed new strings. That's twelve ninety-five.

Alex:You want me to be spontaneous, but only on Thursdays between 2 and 4 PM when you've scheduled it.

Alex:Will you marry me?

No.

Alex:Okay, no problem.

Jim:You know, life is like an ice cream cone. You've got to lick it as you go, because if you don't, it melts.

Jim:So you lick faster and faster, trying to keep up with the melting. Pretty soon you're licking your hand, your wrist, your whole arm.

Jim:By the time you're done, you're just standing there licking your own arm and wondering where the ice cream went.

Jim:You know, I was just thinking about Bobby the whole time.

Latka:Bobby? Who's Bobby?

Jim:Exactly.