The Apartment

Tony:The hero who walked on the moon is now unemployed and can't pay cab fare

Tony:Armstrong gave me something more valuable than money.

Tony:It's allegedly a moon rock from a bag Armstrong had.

Bobby:Wait, you're telling me Neil Armstrong never actually walked on the moon?

Tony:That's right. It was all faked.

Bobby:But Tony, there's video footage, photographs, moon rocks...

Tony:Exactly! All fake. They faked it so well, they had to fake the evidence too.

Bobby:So the evidence proves it was faked?

Tony:Now you're getting it. See? There was no Neil Armstrong. The guy in the suit was an actor.

Bobby:How do you know that?

Tony:Because if Neil Armstrong was real, why would they need to fake the moon landing?

Louie:I'm in trouble with the boss. He chewed me out so bad, I feel like a piece of gum that's been worked over by a German Shepherd.

Louie:I won't make a big deal about it. Just keep it quiet, okay? No fuss, no muss.

Louie:Now sit down in that chair. We're gonna heat up this metal plate until it's nice and hot, then I'm gonna press it against your skin real slow-like. That way nobody even knows you slept in the office.

Louie De Palma:Who slept in my office? I want answers!

Tony Banta:Louie, relax. The guy's in the bathroom right now.

Louie:It was me. I slept here last night.

Multiple Characters:Latka! Latka! Latka!

Latka:Yes, yes, it's free! You can go in!

Louie:What do you mean you've been living in my bathroom?!

Latka:It's very nice bathroom, Louie. I take good care of it.

Louie:You take good care of it?! You've been showering in there! Using the toilet! That's not 'taking care' of it, that's desecrating it!

Latka:But Louie, everyone needs to shower and use toilet.

Louie:Not in MY bathroom, they don't! There are other bathrooms in this city! Public ones!

Louie:Swallow it!

Latka:Mmm, not bad. You know, in my country, we use this for dessert.

Louie:The cleaning lady found a strange man in the office.

Latka:Strange? I'm not strange. I'm distinctive.

Louie:Death is acceptable but sleeping is not

Louie:What am I supposed to do, hold my breath?

Alex:Yeah, that's a good idea. Just keep holding it.

Latka:They try to burn it down, but the building, it was too strong. The fire, it just give up and walk away.

Latka:The ambassador was also homeless and living in the condemned building

Alex:I found a great apartment. Two bedrooms, one bath, very reasonable rent.

Alex:The landlord said the second bedroom is for 'entertaining clients.'

Alex:He also mentioned that by law, I have to keep the door open, and payment is strictly cash only.

Alex:When I asked about a lease, he said, 'We don't do paperwork - keeps things discreet.'

Latka:Someone threw all my belongings out!

Louie:That was me. I'm a terrible person.

Latka:The landlord, he say to me, 'You sign here, you get security deposit back.' I say, 'What if I don't sign?' He say, 'Then you get neutered.'

Latka:How am I gonna get to the apartment? There's a bus on my jacket!

Alex:Latka, what is this place?

Alex:You idiot!

Alex:You fool!

Alex:You maniac!

Alex:You lunatic!

Alex:What were you thinking?

Alex:Latka! Latka! Latka!

Latka:What? What is it? Why you keep saying my name like this?

Alex:Latka!

Latka:I'm right here! You don't have to yell!

Latka:I get this beautiful apartment! Very expensive, very fancy!

Alex:That's great, Latka. How long can you afford to stay there?

Latka:One month! I pay the rent, I move in, very nice!

Alex:One month? What happens after that?

Latka:What do you mean, what happens? I live there one month, then I go.

Alex:Latka, you have to pay rent every month.

Latka:Every month? They didn't tell me this! I thought you pay once, you live there forever!

Latka:Wait a minute. You mean I gotta pay three thousand dollars every month?

Latka:What if I don't have it next month?

Latka:You see, the apartment, it comes with everything. The stove, the refrigerator, the maid...

Other character:The maid comes with the apartment?

Latka:Sure, she is like the dishwasher, the washing machine. She is built in!

Alex:You're listing wealthy people who live in such places, including the Bee Gees as equivalent to industrial dynasties.

Latka:You want me to leave my apartment? But I love this place! We have been through so much together.

Latka:This radiator, she keeps me warm in winter. This window, he shows me the city. This floor, we have danced together many times.

Latka:How can I abandon my friends?

Alex:Latka, I came here to tell you that we're canceling your lease.

Latka:But Alex, I have nowhere to go. This apartment, it is my home.

Alex:I know, but the company needs the space back.

Latka:Please, Alex. You are like a brother to me. I have given you my loyalty, my friendship, my best years as a cab driver.

Alex:Latka...

Latka:In my country, we had nothing. But here, I built something. This apartment, it means everything to me.

Alex:Okay, okay. You can keep the apartment.

Inga:Would you like me to do something special for you?

Latka:Like what?

Inga:Well, I could... tidy up your room. Or maybe I could help you relax after a long day. I'm very good at making men... comfortable.

Maid:Is there anything else I can get you?

Alex:Well, yes, as a matter of fact. The thread count on these sheets is a bit pedestrian, and I find the mattress support somewhat... lacking. Perhaps something with a bit more... firmness would be appreciated.

Tony:Why does everybody make such a big formal announcement every time someone leaves? From now on, I'm never leaving.

Tony:I hate to be waited on.

Tony:Get me a coffee.

Tony:Make it a double espresso.

Tony:And bring me a Danish.

Tony:Warm it up first.

Tony:And while you're at it, call my bookie.

Bobby:I am not merely a man, I am a force of nature, a living embodiment of charisma and sophistication.

Bobby:A beacon of brilliance in a world of mediocrity, destined to grace the stage with my incomparable talent and devastating good looks.

Bobby:I am a virtuoso, a maestro of the dramatic arts, a Shakespearean titan reincarnate!

Alex:I've been counting them all day.

Tony:Okay, heads I get the good room, tails you get it.

Bobby:Flip it.

Tony:It's heads.

Bobby:I won.

Tony:Okay, okay, I lost the coin flip. I get the bedroom.

Tony:But hey, look at this place! Soft carpeting, a real bed, privacy... You know what? This isn't so bad. This is actually pretty nice.

Tony:In fact, I think I came out ahead on this deal. You got the living room couch, and I got... all this luxury.

Elaine:Oh, look at these feet! So pruney, so wrinkled... like little raisins at the end of my legs. I love them so much. Each toe is a masterpiece of deterioration. The way the skin just hangs there, all shriveled and magnificent...

Latka:In my country, we have beautiful tradition of communal sharing. Everything belongs to everyone.

Other Character:That sounds wonderful, Latka. How do you enforce that?

Latka:With clubs.

Elaine:I can't remember tension and unhappiness.

Louie:Hey there!

Elaine:Oh, now I remember.

Bobby:Yes, hello. I'm the owner of this magnificent estate.

Louie:Bobby, what are you doing? I'm your boss.

Bobby:I'm sorry, do I know you? I've never seen you before in my life.

Louie:Hey! You! Maid service! Get me a beer!

Louie:You know, you're a good-looking guy. You've got nice teeth, nice hair, you dress pretty sharp.

Louie:In about five years, you're gonna be completely bald, your teeth are gonna fall out, and you're gonna be wearing a bathrobe and sneakers.

Louie:You know, you're a good driver. You got good instincts, good reflexes. You're alert, you pay attention to the road. You really are a good driver.

Louie:Which makes it all the more puzzling why you're such a terrible human being.

Tony:We could board up the room, keep Louie out.

Bobby:Yeah, but then how would he get in to collect the rent?

Louie:You guys had a party and didn't invite me? I've been locked out here the whole time!

Louie:Yeah, well, I drank all your alcohol while I was waiting.

Elaine:I could stay longer if I wanted to.

Louie:Yeah? What would make you stay?

Elaine:Well, if the apartment came with certain services. You know, like maid service, room service...

Louie:We can get you maid service.

Elaine:And a concierge.

Louie:A concierge, sure.

Elaine:And someone to teach me French.

Louie:French lessons, no problem.

Elaine:And it has to be the elevator operator.

Louie:The elevator operator teaching you French?

Elaine:Between floors.

Tony:I got it! I got it! We'll have a rent party!

Tony:We can get Neil Armstrong to come!

Bobby:Neil Armstrong? The astronaut?

Tony:Yeah, I know him. He owes me a favor.

Bobby:Tony, Neil Armstrong doesn't owe you a favor.

Tony:No, no, no. I'm telling you, I know Neil Armstrong. He'll come to the party.

Character:Yeah, the women at that party were so ugly, they made that dog look like a supermodel.

Dog:*barks indignantly*

Alex:You know, I've been thinking about male bonding, about how we don't really need women. We're complete as men without them. We have each other, we have our independence, we have our dignity.

Alex:But if a beautiful woman walks in that door right now, I'm chasing her.

Tony:Okay, everybody, gather around. You're gonna watch Elaine dance.

Tony:Bobby, you sit here. You, over there. No, no, you stand in the back so everyone can see.

Tony:This is gonna be great, fellas. Pay attention.

Tony:Hey, I'm organizing the entertainment for the garage. You want to help me?

Tony:What do you mean you're busy? Come on, it'll be fun!

Tony:No, no, I'm serious. We need someone to help coordinate the acts.

Tony:What? You're not even here?

Latka:You know, Alex, I feel terrible about losing the apartment. But you... you are so smart, so capable, so competent. You could handle anything!

Alex:Thanks, Latka, that's nice of you to say.

Latka:Which is why I cannot understand how you let yourself get stuck driving a taxi with these people.

Latka:You know, I have wonderful memory of this day. But I think maybe this memory, it make future poverty more painful.

Latka:You know, I've been thinking about it all night. Maybe I was wrong to refuse.

Latka:All these years, someone has been trying to help me, and I kept saying no.

Latka:Tonight, on my last night here, I realize... I should have said yes a long time ago.

Latka:So, if you're still here... thank you. For everything. For never giving up on me.