The Great Race

Louie De Palma:You guys are making peanuts! I'm ashamed of you. You know what I'd do if I was making less than a hundred bucks a day? I'd be ashamed to show my face in public!

Louie:You know what this garage needs? More of me. I'd clone myself if I could.

Louie:Picture it - ten Louie DePalmas running this place. We'd have the tightest operation in the city.

Louie:Every shift covered. Every rule enforced. Every penny accounted for.

Louie:We'd be unstoppable. Beautiful. Perfect.

Louie:Course, then I'd have to fire nine of us for incompetence.

Louie:You should be ashamed to be in the same garage as these people.

Nardo:Yeah, well you should be ashamed to be in the same species.

Louie:You think you're funny? I got news for you - you're no Jan Murray!

Bobby:You see this? You see what you made me do?

Louie:What? What did I make you do?

Bobby:I'm pointing at you! I never point!

Louie:So don't point.

Bobby:I can't help it! You got me so mad I'm pointing!

Jeff:You know, Louie, you're actually a pretty good driver.

Louie:Yeah?

Jeff:Yeah. We should get a string section in here.

Tony:Go ahead, Alex. Take the bet. Humiliate Louie.

Alex:Why would I want to do that?

Tony:Because it's Louie.

Alex:Louie, I want to talk to you about something serious. I've been thinking... all these years working together, I've never really considered you human.

Louie:What?!

Alex:I mean, you're Louie. You're just... Louie.

Jeff:How do you like your eggs?

Louie:Unfertilized. I like 'em the way I like my men — without guts.

Louie:Are the cabs ready?

Latka:Nicu nicu!

Louie:Nicu nicu!

Alex:What are the rules?

Louie:There are no rules.

Alex:No rules at all?

Louie:That's what makes it so hard to cheat.

Louie:I'll bet you twenty bucks you can't get a date with Elaine.

Tony:You're on!

Elaine:No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Louie:What's a date with you worth?

Elaine:A million dollars.

Louie:A million dollars?

Elaine:That's my asking price.

Louie:Five hundred bucks? For a date? What am I, some kind of john?

Louie:I know a girl on 42nd Street who'll do the same thing for fifty bucks... and she throws in a ride home!

Latka:On your marks, get set, go! Five, four, three, two, one! Ready or not, here I come! Gentlemen, start your engines! And they're off!

Alex:How did you get eight fares in one hour?

Louie:Eight people in one cab.

Bobby:That's not eight fares, that's a moving violation.

Woman 1:The Muppet Movie is a classic!

Woman 2:Are you kidding? The Sound of Music is infinitely better.

Woman 1:Better? It doesn't have Kermit the Frog!

Woman 2:Oh please, that little frog? Please.

Alex:Wait a minute... I just kicked those people out of my cab without even listening to them. I was rude, dismissive, completely unreasonable...

Alex:Oh my God. I'm turning into Louie.

Alex:I don't understand you.

Alex:Let me try speaking louder. Maybe if I just talk LOUDER, you'll understand English better!

Alex:Wait a minute... you're giving me a hundred dollar tip on a five dollar fare?

Passenger:Yeah, that's right.

Alex:Why would you do that?

Passenger:Well, I was wondering... would you mind if I didn't pay you?

Alex:Me speak slow. You understand better now?

Alex:Wait a minute... I sound like Tonto.

Alex:No, no - the Lone Ranger. The guy on the horse.

Alex:There's a quality in me that prevails over competitiveness.

Elaine:Incompetence.

Inspector:This doesn't look like you.

Tony:I know. I was younger then.

Inspector:You look younger now.

Tony:I know. I was also ugly... and stupid.

Louie:These are nice photos of your family.

Inspector:Yeah, I'm real proud of them.

Louie:You should be. They look almost as good as the chimpanzees at the Bronx Zoo.

Inspector Larry Malone:A chimp walks into a banana stand. The guy behind the counter says, 'We don't serve chimps here.' The chimp says, 'That's okay, I'm just here for the bananas.'

Alex:Ma'am, you can't hail a cab with vegetables.

Elderly Lady:Why not? It works at the farmer's market.

Alex:Don't worry, ma'am. If we run out of gas, I'll push.

Elderly Passenger:You'd do that for me?

Alex:All the way to your destination.

Louie:Where you from, pal?

Passenger:I'm a tourist. First time in New York.

Louie:A tourist, huh? Well, you picked the right cab.

Alex:I'm a big muscular guy.

Fare:Yeah, and I'm a tourist from out of town.

Louie:I'm a big muscular guy, don't mess with me.

Passenger:Yeah? Well, the only thing big about you is your mouth — and that's just because your brain needs the extra room to rattle around in there.

Louie:I'm not handicapped! I'm just short!

Passenger:But the handicapped placard...

Louie:That's for my car, not for me, you moron!

Passenger:You got a lot of nerve calling yourself handicapped!

Louie:Hey, Elaine, you wanna go out with me?

Elaine:What? No! Absolutely not!

Louie:Come on, one date. What's the worst that could happen?

Elaine:(long pause, face contorting in visible disgust) I... I can't even... the very thought of... (shudders uncontrollably) ...you and me... (makes gagging sound) ...I need to sit down...

Louie:Elaine, baby, I won the bet. You're mine now. I've been waiting for this moment my whole life.

Louie:I'm gonna wine you, dine you, treat you like the queen you are. Well, not really a queen—more like a duchess. Actually, a countess. You know what? A really nice peasant.

Louie:I've got it all planned out. Candlelight dinner, soft music, me looking deeply into your eyes while I talk about myself for four hours.

Louie:You know, Elaine, when I look into your eyes, I see the future. A future where we're together, sharing everything. You make my heart race.

Elaine:Louie, that's the angina.

Alex:80 cents? Louie, that IS impressive for you.

Alex:You know, Louie, if passengers tip you that badly, maybe it's not the money—maybe it's you. At least when I drive badly, people blame the traffic.

Louie:Oh, that's rich coming from you, Reiger.

Alex:I'm serious. Your passengers don't tip because they're afraid if they do, you'll remember them next time.

Latka:Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. When two people come together, their hearts beat as one. The universe smiles upon them.

Latka:This contest? Bah! What does it matter? These things are temporary. But love... love is eternal.

Latka:You know, everybody always asking me, 'Latka, why you no enter the contest? Latka, why you no try to win?' But I tell you something - I no care about winning.

Latka:I just want everybody to be happy. I want Tony to be happy. I want Danny to be happy. I want Louie to be happy - even though Louie is very hard to make happy.

Latka:You know what I really want? I want we should all work together like one big family, like brothers and sisters. That is the real prize.

Latka:Of course tips count. Tips are money. Money is tips.

Louie:You think you're better than me? You're not better than me! I'm taking my lunch bucket and I'm going home to my mother. And she's gonna make me a nice pot roast, and we're gonna sit there and laugh about how stupid you all are. And tomorrow, I'm coming back here and I'm gonna make your lives miserable! You hear me? MISERABLE!