A Woman Between Friends

Alex:So I'm not going to see a dentist. I'm just going to stop sucking air through my teeth.

Bobby:Are you afraid of dentists?

Alex:Afraid? No. But I respect them. They have their hands in your mouth and a little drill. One wrong move, they could turn you into a drooling idiot.

Bobby:That's just a filling.

Alex:That's what they tell you.

Alex:Okay, Bobby, you can make the appointment. But I want you to stay calm about it.

Bobby:Don't worry, I have a system. First, I'm going to call during my lunch break so I'm not at work thinking about it all day.

Bobby:Then I'm going to schedule it for a time when I'm well-rested and not stressed.

Bobby:I'm going to listen to relaxing music on the way there, wear comfortable clothes, and think positive thoughts.

Bobby:And if all else fails, I'll just reschedule it for next month.

Bobby:You're acting like a child.

Alex:So what? I like acting like a child. In fact, when I go to the dentist tomorrow, I'm gonna ask him to treat me like a child too.

Bobby:Alex, he will. You'll be in the waiting room with the other kids' parents.

Tony:I saw her first.

Tony:Boxers have quicker reactions.

Bobby:I notice things about women because I'm an actor. I'm trained to observe.

Other:Okay, that woman who just walked by - what was she wearing?

Bobby:A dress.

Other:What color?

Bobby:Um... a color.

Alex:Bobby, I'm testing your observational skills. What color is my shirt?

Bobby:Uh... blue?

Alex:Wrong. It's red. What about Tony's shirt?

Bobby:I don't know, green?

Alex:You can't even identify your own friends' shirts. But I bet you could describe a woman's coat.

Bobby:Oh sure! That woman over there has a cashmere blend coat, probably Italian, with hand-stitched seams and mother-of-pearl buttons. It's a size six, and she's wearing it over a cream-colored dress.

Bobby:I pay attention to women.

Elaine:You don't pay attention to women. You collect them.

Elaine:Bobby, how many women have you actually dated?

Bobby:I don't know, I never really kept track.

Elaine:Really? Then what's this?

Elaine:It's a ledger. You've got names, dates, and little notes next to each one.

Bobby:Okay, so maybe I kept a little count.

Tony:When did you break up with Cathy?

Bobby:I haven't yet.

Tony:Come on, Bobby, we're friends. You gotta help me out here.

Bobby:Friends? Tony, that's just chemicals in the brain. Dopamine, oxytocin. You're really asking my neurochemistry to do you a favor.

Elaine:You can't just flip a coin to decide who asks Janet out!

Bobby:You're right, you're right. How about best two out of three?

Bobby:Are you kidding? The only way both of us could get dates with Janet is if she had a twin sister, and even then I'd probably end up with the one who doesn't like me.

Bobby:Look, fellas, Janet's a prize. You gotta treat her like a conquest. Wine her, dine her, then close the deal.

Bobby:It's all about strategy. You're not dating her, you're acquiring her.

Alex:Okay, I'm going to flip a coin. Heads or tails?

Bobby:Heads.

Tony:Heads.

Alex:You both said heads! Why did you both say heads?

Bobby:I don't know, it just came to me.

Tony:Yeah, me too.

Alex:Well, next time, how about one of you say tails and we'll actually have a chance of somebody losing?

Tony:Hey Janet, you know what they say about guys who drive Checker cabs?

Louie:A bonus is extra money the company gives you for doing a good job.

Latka:Extra money? For me?

Louie:That's right, congratulations.

Latka:That's it? That's the bonus?

Tony:Elaine, I want to have a serious conversation with you.

Elaine:Okay, Tony, what is it?

Tony:I need to lay down some ground rules about our relationship.

Elaine:Ground rules?

Tony:Yeah, I think we need to have a man-to-man talk.

Tony:Bobby's got looks, he's got charm, he's got intelligence, he's got style, he's got money, he's got class...

Tony:The guy's got everything.

Tony:Everything except one thing.

Tony:He can't drive a cab.

Tony:Where do I rank on a 1-10 scale with Louie as 1 and Robert Redford as 10?

Elaine:I don't think the scale goes that low.

Bobby:That was one of the greatest nights of my whole life.

Tony:Yeah? Well, I had one of the greatest nights of my whole life too.

Tony:I'm calling Janet!

Bobby:No, I'm calling Janet!

Tony:Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! I'm calling her first!

Bobby:Oh yeah? Well, she likes me better!

Tony:Does not!

Bobby:Does too!

Tony:Your mother wears army boots!

Bobby:You know what, Tony? I'm gonna come down there and I'm gonna break both my legs!

Alex:The fact that Louie enjoys it proves how wrong it is.

Bobby:Go ahead, Tony, use the phone. I insist.

Tony:Really? Thanks, Bobby.

Bobby:Don't mention it. I'd use it myself, but I can't call anyway. My wife changed the locks on the phone booth.

Bobby:You know, Janet's a wonderful girl. Smart, beautiful, funny... But Tony, well, he's more of a... how do I put this delicately... a certain type of guy.

Louie:He's a mook. She's marrying a mook.

Tony:You can't hit him, he's a boxer.

Bobby:Yeah, and you're a cab driver.

Louie:And I'm a dispatcher. We all got our skills.

Tony:You called me stupid? I'm gonna hit you!

Bobby:Wait, wait. How about this - I'll hit myself instead.

Tony:You'll hit yourself?

Bobby:Yeah, that way you don't have to get in trouble.

Tony:You call that hitting yourself? Here, let me show you how it's done.

Louie:You know what your problem is, Bobby? You can't even hurt yourself right.

Alex:Wait, wait, wait. If I'm fighting with Bobby, then who am I fighting with?

Bobby:Me!

Alex:But I'm me. So I'm fighting with myself?

Louie:Look, Janet, you can't win here. You date one of us, the other guys get jealous. You don't date any of us, we all get depressed. Either way, somebody's miserable. So really, you're doing us a favor by dating me—at least I know what I'm getting into.

Alex:A divorce.

Latka:Wait a minute... Tony's girlfriend and Bobby's girlfriend, they have the same name?

Bobby:Yeah, well, it's not just the same name.

Bobby:It's the same girl.

Latka:You mean to tell me you both know the same woman? And she doesn't know about each other?

Latka:This is very strange. In my country, we have a saying: 'A man with two girlfriends is like a man with two heads.'

Latka:So... can I meet her?

Bobby:Alex, can I borrow—

Alex:No!

Bobby:We talk about the weather.

Tony:We talk about the weather.

Bobby:We talk about movies.

Tony:We talk about movies.

Bobby:We talk about her job.

Tony:We talk about her job.

Bobby:It's like we're dating the same woman.

Tony:We are dating the same woman.

Tony:Janet calls me her teddy bear.

Bobby:She calls me her teddy bear too.

Tony:Yeah, but she calls me that because I'm warm and cuddly.

Bobby:She calls me that because I'm stuffed.

Elaine:It's like the Archie/Betty/Veronica love triangle.

Louie:Hey, watch it. The last guy who hit himself like that ended up in the hospital.

Elaine:You can't go? Why not?

Alex:I have a dentist appointment.

Elaine:You're afraid of the dentist!

Alex:I am not afraid. I simply prefer to avoid unnecessary pain and suffering.

Louie:Hey, Tony, Bobby! You know what you guys remind me of? Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

Tony:What's that supposed to mean?

Louie:You're both stupid, but one of you is even stupider than the other.

Louie:Alex, you're always trying to give people advice. You're like Dear Abby.

Alex:Janet, I need to explain what's been happening.

Louie:Forget it. You're in trouble, you're gonna stay in trouble. That's life. Now get outta my office.

Louie:Janet, let me give you some advice. Dump Tony and Bobby.

Janet:Tony, I got you this engraved watch. It says 'To the next heavyweight champ.'

Tony:Janet, I appreciate it, but I'm a taxi driver, not a boxer.

Janet:I know, but I have faith in you!

Tony:Also, it's engraved with the wrong name. It says 'Tony Banta' but the date is from 1987.

Janet:So?

Tony:So that was three years ago! And it stopped working two years ago.

Alex:Janet, you can't date both of them at the same time!

Janet:Why not? One takes me to dinner on Friday, the other takes me to the movies on Saturday. What's the problem?

Alex:The problem is you're being unfaithful to both of them!

Janet:But I'm not lying to them. They both know about each other.

Alex:And they're okay with this?

Janet:Why wouldn't they be? One gets Friday nights, one gets Saturday nights. It's perfect.

Alex:You know what? I'd rather face my greatest fear than continue with this.

Tony:Take your time. Don't rush into anything.

Bobby:Yeah, this is a big decision. Sleep on it. Think it over.

Tony:Make it look hard. Make it look really hard.

Bobby:Take your time deciding.

Tony:Yeah, don't rush.

Bobby:Think about it carefully.

Tony:Weigh all the options.

Bobby:Sleep on it if you need to.

Tony:Take a week. Take two weeks.

Bobby:Consult with a lawyer.

Tony:Get a second opinion. A third opinion.

Bobby:This is a big decision.

Tony:The biggest.

Tony:Bobby, I just want you to know, I'm sorry for everything. You mean a lot to me.

Bobby:Tony, that means so much. I forgive you.

Tony:So... how'd I do? On a scale of one to ten, how was that apology?

Janet:You know what? You two are so busy making up that you didn't even ask me how I felt about being rejected by both of you.

Janet:You want to know what you're missing? The man I choose will get a woman who's intelligent, sophisticated, and cultured.

Janet:He'll get someone who can discuss Proust and Sartre, who knows fine wine, who appreciates modern art.

Janet:He'll get a woman who's adventurous in the kitchen, who can prepare a five-course French meal without breaking a sweat.

Janet:He'll get someone who's passionate, uninhibited, and completely devoted to his every need.

Janet:He'll get a woman who'll stand by him, support his dreams, and make him feel like the most important man in the world.

Janet:But you two? You get to sit here and watch me walk out that door.

Janet:Oh, it doesn't really matter who I would have chosen.

Janet:But if I'm being honest... I would have picked literally anyone else.

Alex:I gotta leave right now or I'll be late for my dentist appointment.

Alex:Wait a minute... I don't have any teeth.

Elaine:You know what? I give up. You're impossible.