The Lighter Side Of Angela Matusa

Tony:The day shift puts their pants on one leg at a time just like us.

Alex:So we challenge them to a contest and see who can do it faster.

Tony:Come on, Alex, play softball with us.

Alex:Only if it doesn't interfere with my work.

Tony:It won't, I promise.

Alex:Only if we play on a weeknight.

Tony:Okay, weeknight. Done.

Alex:Only if it rains first, so the field is wet.

Tony:Why would you want that?

Alex:Only if I can play shortstop and I get to bat last.

Tony:This is getting ridiculous.

Alex:Only if my team is losing by at least ten runs when I come up to bat, and the bases are empty.

Alex:What do you mean? I don't understand.

Louie:That'll be another five bucks.

Alex:Louie, what does this message mean?

Louie:That'll be five bucks.

Alex:Five bucks? For an explanation?

Louie:That's the price. You want to know or not?

Alex:Fine, fine. Here's five bucks.

Louie:Oh, I just realized—that wasn't even your message. I gave you the wrong one by mistake.

Louie:That'll be five dollars for the correct message.

Louie:But don't worry, I'm putting it on your tab.

Alex:Angela is intelligent, she's kind, she's generous, she's got a great sense of humor... she's fat.

Louie:Angela, you know what you remind me of? A six-story walk-up in the Bronx.

Angela:What's that supposed to mean?

Louie:Well, nobody wants to go up, but everybody's willing to take the basement.

Louie:Angela could cover shortstop.

Louie:She could cover left field.

Louie:She could cover the whole infield.

Louie:She could cover the outfield too.

Louie:She could cover the bleachers.

Louie:She could cover the parking lot.

Louie:She could cover the concession stand.

Louie:She could cover the entire stadium and most of New Jersey.

Louie:Alright, listen up! Angela's coming in, so I'm gonna treat this place like a cargo delivery.

Louie:First, I gotta inspect the merchandise, check for any damage in shipping.

Louie:Then I'll need to sign for it, fill out the paperwork.

Louie:And if she arrives damaged or defective, I'm filing a claim with the carrier!

Louie:There are three types of men in this world: those who climb mountains, those who watch mountains, and those who avoid mountains altogether.

Louie:Dating Angela is like mountain climbing - it's dangerous, it's exhausting, and when you finally reach the top, you realize you've made a terrible mistake.

Louie:You know, I've got a real gift for the bon mot. A bon mot is a clever saying, you understand? It's French.

Angela:I know what a bon mot is, Louie.

Louie:Well, not everybody does. But I do. I'm very sophisticated that way. That's why my jokes about you are so devastatingly witty—they're bon mots.

Alex:Okay, Louie, I promise. No more wisecracks until Angela gets here.

Louie:You know what? That's a good idea. Let's keep things civil.

Alex:...

Louie:So, uh, how long has it been since you've seen the bottom of your plate?

Alex:Why do you still have your coat on?

Angela:The restaurant asked me to keep it on.

Alex:I'll see you home safely.

Angela:That's sweet, but don't worry. Nobody's going to bother me. Have you seen me?

Alex:I insist on walking you home.

Angela:You know what the problem with men is? You think one cup of coffee entitles you to walk a woman home. Next thing you know, you expect her to invite you up, then you expect her to sleep with you, then you expect her to have your children, and then you expect her to spend the rest of her life picking up your socks.

Alex:I just want to walk you home.

Angela:See? That's how it starts.

Alex:Angela, you look... you look different. Did you do something with your hair?

Angela:No, Alex.

Alex:New outfit?

Angela:No.

Alex:You've lost weight!

Alex:Angela, you look amazing! How much weight did you lose?

Angela:Twenty pounds.

Alex:Twenty pounds? That's incredible! You must feel wonderful!

Angela:I do. The only thing that could upstage this moment is if Cheryl Tiegs walked through that door.

Angela:I eat nothing but grapefruit and egg whites for two weeks, then I eat nothing but pizza and ice cream for two weeks. My body gets so confused, it doesn't know whether to gain weight or lose weight, so it just stays the same.

Angela:Years? I thought you said pounds!

Angela:No, I keep it because it makes a perfect car cover. It's so big, I just throw it over the hood and it covers the whole thing!

Louie:Ahoy, there! Has anyone seen anything of the great white whale?

Louie:Wait till you see her. She's absolutely stunning. A total knockout. You won't believe your eyes.

Louie:Well? What do you think?

Louie:Yeah, she looks nice.

Louie:You know, you're looking terrific. You lost weight, didn't you? You look great.

Louie:But if you ever gain it back, you come see me. I know a guy.

Alex:I'll have the filet mignon, the lobster tail, and... no, no, wait. Just coffee.

Angela:What happened? You ran out of money?

Alex:No, I ran out of Thousand Island dressing.

Angela:Well, you've still got Hundred Island left.

Angela:Embarrassed? I was frustrated! I chased the guy and lost him.

Alex:Ten years ago I quit smoking. It was the hardest thing I ever did.

Alex:I tried everything - patches, gum, willpower. Nothing worked.

Alex:But I kept at it. Day after day, fighting the cravings, fighting the urge.

Alex:And you know what? It took me seven years before I actually stopped wanting a cigarette.

Alex:Seven years of hell just to get to the point where I didn't think about it every waking moment.

Angela:Men were my key motivation.

Alex:You mean you needed a man to unlock your potential?

Alex:

Alex:

Alex:Feelings? I... well, I mean, feelings are complicated, you know? I have feelings, sure, everyone has feelings. But do I have *those* feelings? That's a different question. I mean, it's not that I don't have feelings, it's just that... well, feelings are a lot of things, aren't they? Some feelings are big, some are small. Some feelings you notice right away, and some feelings sneak up on you. So the question isn't really whether I have feelings, it's more about what kind of feelings, and how much of those particular feelings, and whether those feelings are the type of feelings that would lead to... I mean, feelings are strange that way. You can have a feeling about something, but that doesn't mean the feeling means what you think it means. So no, I mean yes, I mean... it's complicated.

Angela:Are you just being polite?

Alex:Yeah.

Angela:That's okay, Alex. I understand. You know, I've always said that a man with your nose has to be selective about these things.

Angela:You know, every time we go out to dinner, something goes wrong. The waiter spills soup on me, the kitchen burns the food, someone gets sick... I'm starting to think maybe the universe is trying to tell us something.

Elaine:My grandparents are visiting.

Tony:How old are they?

Elaine:My grandfather is 87 and my grandmother is 84.

Tony:Perfect! We need a catcher and a left fielder.

Tony:You know, Bobby, you may not be able to catch, you may not be able to throw, and you may not be able to hit, but one thing I gotta say — you can run in a straight line like nobody's business.

Louie:Wayne's looking for Alex? What, he's got a date? That's gotta be a first for somebody that fat.

Louie:Wait, wait, I got something for this. I got a whole routine about fat guys.

Louie:Hey Wayne, you're looking a little hefty. You been hitting the donuts pretty hard?

Wayne:Mr. De Palma, I'll have you know I am a man of considerable girth and substantial circumference.

Wayne:I'm a portly man.

Louie:Portly? I thought you said you were a poorly man!

Louie:Wayne wants to talk to you.

Alex:What about?

Louie:He didn't say. But he's madder than a wet hen.

Alex:Well, what did I do?

Louie:I don't know, but whatever it is, he's ready to sink you like a battleship.

Alex:A battleship? Louie, that's 'un barco de guerra' in Spanish.

Louie:I know what a battleship is in Spanish, ya mook!

Wayne:Hello, is there an Angela Bongo dining there tonight?

Wayne:No? How about Angela Smith? Angela Jones? Angela Murphy?

Wayne:Well, would you check under 'Phyllis Diller'?

Alex:Have you seen Wayne? He's wearing a car like clothing.

Angela:I had to stand on a garbage can to see over the windowsill.

Angela:I was so devastated after prom that I went home and ate an entire turkey by myself.

Angela:Wayne? Are you kidding? The man's a walking cliché. He's got the personality of a DMV form and the charm of a parking ticket.

Angela:Besides, he's too short, too broke, and too boring. Why would I waste my time?

Alex:So you turned down Wayne because of his weight?

Angela:No, he's married with children.

Alex:That's cute.

Alex:That's really cute.

Alex:Oh, that's cute.

Alex:You know what? I'm sick of myself! I say 'cute' one more time, I'm gonna scream!

Bobby:Yeah, well I stole second base backwards — went from third to second.

Bobby:Tony, you only throw two things - balls and home runs.

Bobby Boriello:We've been here for three hours and we're still in the first inning.

Tony Banta:Yeah, well at least we're winning.

Bobby Boriello:Winning? We're losing 14 to nothing!

Tony Banta:I know, but the way these guys are playing, I'm just amazed we scored.