Nardo Loses Her Marbles

Louie:How much money did you make today?

Latka:Thirty-six dollars and seventy-five cents.

Louie:That's not bad.

Latka:Yeah, but twenty-five cents of that is Canadian.

Louie:Empty your pockets. I want to see everything.

Latka:You know, in my country, we have a saying: 'When the little man with the big mouth tells you to empty your pockets, you empty your pockets.'

Latka:Look, I got myself a nice sandwich here.

Louie:Latka, what are you doing?

Latka:I'm eating my sandwich!

Louie:You're eating it out of your pocket!

Louie:Hey! That's my windshield wiper!

Latka:Your windshield wiper? How is this your windshield wiper?

Louie:I don't know, but if it's here, it's mine!

Latka:This is my cat, Simka. Simka, this is Louie De Palma. He's very mean to everybody.

Latka:But don't worry, he's not going to hurt you. He's just going to yell and scream and make your life miserable.

Tony:Oh, he knocked me out in the first round.

Alex:Well, I've been keeping busy. Tony got beaten up, and Bobby's play closed. So I've had the unique experience of watching my friends fail in two completely different ways.

Alex:You call that relaxing?

Elaine:This could be my big break! A whole gallery exhibit of my work!

Alex:Elaine, it's a nice opportunity, but let's be realistic. You're still going to be working here at the garage.

Louie:She called me a creep! That's a pet name. We're getting closer.

Louie:Next week, she'll probably call me a pervert. The week after that, we'll be engaged.

Bobby:Oh, maybe two or three cups.

Bobby:Okay, fine, five or six.

Bobby:Alright, I'll be honest - I've had about twelve cups.

Bobby:Maybe more like twenty.

Bobby:I lost count after thirty.

Elaine:I have to go, there's a crisis at the gallery. Just deal me out.

Tony:Okay, we'll finish without you.

Elaine:No, no, just hold my hand. I'll be right back.

Louie:Alright, we're holding it.

Elaine:Gin!

Tony:Wait, you haven't even left yet!

Elaine:I know. I won. You all have points.

Elaine:Don't stuff food in your pockets like last time.

Tony:Don't worry, I came prepared. I've got foil-lined pockets.

Tony:Yeah, well I've seen her work. It's pretty good, but nothing compared to what I can do with a little Turtle Wax and a buffer.

Phillip:Tony, these paintings aren't finished! They shouldn't be displayed yet!

Tony:Are you kidding? They're beautiful! You know what your problem is? You're too much of a perfectionist. These paintings have real energy, real passion. You should be proud of them.

Phillip:Tony, you don't understand art—

Tony:Don't understand art? I know art. My mother had a picture of dogs playing poker in her living room for thirty years. Now that's art.

Gallery Owner:This champagne is flat. Where are the bubbles?

Alex:No problem.

Alex:Here you go.

Gallery Owner:This champagne is flat. There are no bubbles.

Alex:No problem.

Alex:Here, let me help you with that.

Alex:There. Now you've got bubbles.

Gallery Owner:This is bubble solution? It looks like champagne.

Alex:It is champagne. I'm an optimist.

Alex:Watch your head.

Gallery Owner:What?

Alex:There's a low bridge ahead.

Alex:Elaine, I've been observing you, and I think you need to see a psychiatrist.

Elaine:What? Why would I need a psychiatrist?

Alex:Well, it's clear to me that you're suffering from a severe case of... reverse paranoia.

Elaine:Reverse paranoia? What is that?

Alex:You think everyone is out to help you.

Alex:Well, there was this one time you wore that yellow dress with the little flowers on it, and you bent over to pick up a file, and I thought, 'Boy, I could really go for a tuna sandwich right about now.'

Dr. Collins:I painted it.

Elaine:Oh my God.

Dr. Collins:You see, Miss Bates, that painting was intentionally bad.

Dr. Collins:It's a psychological test. I wanted to see how you'd react to something objectively terrible.

Elaine:So you were testing me?

Dr. Collins:Precisely. And you passed with flying colors. Your honest reaction shows a healthy, unfiltered personality.

Elaine:I insulted your art.

Dr. Collins:Yes, and that's exactly what I needed to know about you.

Dr. Collins:You're sitting quite far from my chair. At this rate, this will have to be a long-distance call.

Elaine:I'm only here to prove I'm fine. Therapy will be effortless since I'm healthy.

Dr. Collins:Well, Elaine, this letter certainly declares you mentally healthy. But I have to say, the little hearts you drew around the border are a nice touch.

Dr. Collins:Well, you see, Elaine, I find you infinitely more interesting than my alternative reading material.

Elaine:Really? What do you usually read?

Dr. Collins:The phone book.

Doctor:What radical therapy approach would work for you?

Elaine:A date.

Elaine:I'm very organized. I have a system for everything.

Dr. Collins:Oh yes, I can tell. Your apartment is immaculate.

Elaine:Thank you! I'm glad someone notices.

Dr. Collins:Well, I'm a psychiatrist. I'm trained to see things that aren't there.

Elaine:I can't give up the gallery, and I can't give up driving a cab. I need both incomes.

Elaine:So I guess I'll have to give up eating.

Elaine:Thank you for having the wisdom to avoid a romantic relationship.

Alex:Yeah, well, I guess I missed out on something wonderful.

Latka:You go to psychiatrist? Is good, is good. My cousin Nicu, he go to podiatrist too.

Elaine:A podiatrist is a foot doctor, Latka.

Latka:Yes, yes, same thing! He sit in chair, he tell doctor his problems, doctor he fix the feet.

Latka:I go to see a psychologist about my nightmares.

Louie:A psychologist? That's good, Latka.

Latka:No, no. Is not psychologist. Is podiatrist.

Louie:A podiatrist? What's a podiatrist gonna do about your nightmares?

Latka:He say, 'Don't step on crack before going to bed.'

Latka:You know, in my country, we don't have foot doctors. But here in America, they have specialist for everything! Is wonderful!

Latka:This doctor, he tell me, 'Latka, you have very bad bunion.' I say, 'No, no, I have very good life!' He say, 'No, is foot problem.' I say, 'How you know my life?'

Latka:But you see, this is what I love about America. Only here they have man who spend his whole life looking at feet. Only in America!