Reverend Jim A Space Odyssey

Tony:Do I look like a loser to you? I just won a victory!

Tony:The opponent knocked himself out before the fight even started

Tony:Hey, a victory is a victory. The man threw a punch, he missed me, he hit himself. That's not my fault. I stood there, I didn't do anything wrong.

Alex:Jim, that was a beautiful ceremony. Thanks for doing the wedding.

Reverend Jim:Hey, anytime. Who are you?

Latka:I went to Harlem looking for a fight, so I tell people, 'I'm looking for a fight.' They say, 'We help you find a fight.' Next thing I know, I'm in a fight!

Latka:I go to Harlem, and the people there, they see me and they say, 'Hey, brother! Hey, brother!' I tell them, 'I am not your brother, I am from a different country.' But they keep saying, 'Brother, brother!' So I think, maybe in America, everyone is your brother. This is very nice country.

Alex:I'm telling you, those bathrooms are absolutely filthy. I've never seen anything so disgusting in my life.

Latka:Alex, you were in the kitchen.

Latka:Jim, remember when you said you'd help me move my stuff?

Reverend Jim:Move your stuff? Latka, are you... are you proposing to me?

Latka:No, no, I need help moving!

Reverend Jim:Well, I'm flattered, but I'm gonna have to say no. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment.

Reverend Jim:I do remember the wedding ceremony. I was there. At least, I think I was there. Or maybe I just dreamed I was there. Or maybe I dreamed I dreamed I was there. You know, at this point, I'm not even sure if I'm here now.

Alex:Wait, you mean you performed the ceremony naked?

Reverend Jim:No, no. Only I was naked. The couple had clothes on.

Alex:That's even worse!

Reverend Jim:Well, they said it was gonna be a nude wedding, so I showed up ready to go. But then they changed their minds and decided to wear clothes instead.

Reverend Jim:Nobody told me! There I am, standing at the altar in my birthday suit, and everybody's looking at me like I'm crazy.

Latka:In my country, we have an expression for a guy in Jim's situation.

Alex:What expression is that?

Latka:Poor guy.

Alex:Jim, we'd like you to join us.

Reverend Jim:You would? Well, I'm very flattered, but I'm not sure I'm ready for that kind of commitment.

Alex:Jim, we've already decided. You're in.

Reverend Jim:Oh, well that changes everything. When do we vote?

Reverend Jim:I'll join you guys.

Taxi Driver:Great! How long can you stay?

Reverend Jim:Oh, about three or four.

Elaine:Can I ask you a personal question?

Reverend Jim:Sure.

Elaine:How much money do you have in the bank?

Reverend Jim:Oh, you mean like, deeply personal. Well, I have seventeen dollars and thirty-two cents, but I keep it hidden in my shoe because I don't trust banks. They're run by a secret society of tall people.

Reverend Jim:You know, I've actually done a lot of chemistry. I've combined a lot of substances.

Reverend Jim:But I don't think that's the kind of chemistry they're looking for.

Latka:I gotta boogie on home.

Reverend Jim:Boogie? Man, that's so '70s. You gotta say 'let's get down and get funky.'

Latka:That's what I said - boogie on home.

Reverend Jim:No, no, no. Boogie is dead, my friend. Dead like the dinosaurs. Dead like my brain cells.

Latka:♪ Get on up ♪ ♪ Get on the scene ♪ ♪ I feel like a sex machine. ♪

Reverend Jim:I'll buy a round of drinks for everybody!

Reverend Jim:I got plenty of money.

Reverend Jim:See? I got food stamps, a Greyhound ticket, and a coupon for a free colonoscopy.

Reverend Jim:These are all legitimate prescriptions from doctors.

Reverend Jim:Well, okay, I see a lot of doctors. But they're all very qualified.

Reverend Jim:Sure, some of them have their licenses revoked, but that doesn't mean they weren't qualified when they wrote the prescriptions.

Reverend Jim:My commitment to the 60s was so complete, I participated without understanding.

Jim:I went with everything in the '60s. I didn't even need to understand things to follow them.

Reverend Jim:How many drugs do you think I did?

Elaine:I don't know... forty?

Reverend Jim:Forty! Exactly!

Reverend Jim:I made a macramé chair once. Took me three years. When I finally finished it, I sat down and it collapsed. Turns out you can't actually sit on macramé. So I made a macramé hammock to sit in while I looked at the chair. That took five years.

Reverend Jim:Yeah, I was at Woodstock. Half a million people were there.

Reverend Jim:I was stoned the whole time, so I figured I was at least 250,000 of 'em.

Reverend Jim:At Woodstock, man, there was this incredible peace and unity. Everybody was together, you know? It was beautiful.

Reverend Jim:But disco? Disco ain't gonna bring people together like that, man. All that 'Stayin' Alive' stuff... nah. You can't find enlightenment on the dance floor.

Reverend Jim:I spent the whole sixties looking for God. I found him twice.

Reverend Jim:Both times he was hitchhiking out of town.

Tony:You know what really gets me? All these protesters spitting on soldiers coming back from Vietnam. These guys risked their lives!

Reverend Jim:You're absolutely right, Tony. Thank you for saying that.

Tony:I mean, what kind of person disrespects a soldier like—wait, what?

Reverend Jim:Thank you. I was over there. It means a lot to hear you say that.

Tony:Jim, I... I didn't know you were...

Reverend Jim:Yeah. So thank you.

Reverend Jim:I was on my way to Nirvana, man. I could feel it. The gates were opening, the light was shining...

Reverend Jim:But then I saw Mickey Mouse. And he was doing the Charleston. And Goofy was reciting Shakespeare.

Reverend Jim:I said, 'This ain't Nirvana, brother. This is Disneyland on a bad acid trip.'

Alex:Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me you hallucinated that Mouseketeers were actually seedpods? That's... that's deeply disturbing.

Louie:You got a driver's license?

Jim:Yeah, I got a driver's license.

Tony:Well, there you go. You can drive a cab.

Bobby:Yeah, that's perfect for you, Jim.

Jim:Drive a cab? I never thought of that.

Reverend Jim:Wait, which way is forward?

Reverend Jim:I mean, in a car, is forward the way the front goes, or the way I'm facing?

Reverend Jim:Because I'm usually facing the back.

Louie:You know what? I'd have better luck with rickshaw pullers. At least they know how to pull in fares!

Reverend Jim:I put something in Louie's coffee.

Reverend Jim:He doesn't know if it was medicine or gum.

Alex:Louie, did Jim put something in your coffee?

Louie:No, no, nothing in the coffee.

Alex:Then why are you acting so strange?

Louie:I've been chewing this gum for three hours.

Alex:Well, that explains it then.

Louie:Neeeeow! Vroom vroom! Screeeech! Beep beep!

Louie:Come on everybody, let's all sing together!

Louie:Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day!

Alex:Louie, can I hire Jim?

Louie:Yeah, yeah, sure, anything you want.

Reverend Jim:What color are my eyes?

Elaine:Well, they're not blue.

Elaine:They're not green.

Elaine:They're not brown.

Elaine:They're not hazel.

Elaine:They're not gray.

Elaine:They're not violet.

Elaine:They're not... I don't know, Jim. What color are they?

Reverend Jim:I don't know either.

Reverend Jim:You know, in space, weight is relative. Nothing weighs anything.

Alex:Jim, you're already mentally in space.

Jim:My eyes are killing me. I've been staring at this form for three hours.

Jim:You know what? I just found out I have brown eyes.

Reverend Jim:I can't read this. The words keep moving around on the page.

Louie:That's because you're holding it upside down.

Reverend Jim:No wonder my eyes hurt. I thought they were blue.

Elaine:Have you ever experienced loss of consciousness, hallucinations, or any other strange symptoms?

Reverend Jim:Oh sure, all the time.

Elaine:You have?

Reverend Jim:Yeah, hasn't everybody?

Reverend Jim:Mental health or addiction? Well, I'm gonna have to go with addiction, because at least then I'd have an excuse.

Reverend Jim:I'm telling you, Annette Funicello is after me. She's been following me for three years. I saw her face in a bowl of soup last week.

Jim:They're coming. The Mouseketeers. I can feel it. They're out there somewhere, plotting.

Jim:But it's not all of them I'm worried about. It's Annette. Annette Funicello has it out for me. I know she does.

Jim:She's probably in a van right now, doing her hair, getting ready to strike. She's methodical like that.

Elaine:Well, if he passes, he'll think he's smart enough to do anything. And if he fails, he'll think he's too stupid to do anything.

Test Administrator:Slow down. You're going too fast.

Reverend Jim:Ohhhhhhh... kaaaaaaay...

Test Administrator:No, I mean on the test. Answer the questions more carefully.

Reverend Jim:Ohhhhhhhhh... kaaaaaaaaaay...

Reverend Jim:I passed my driving test!

Reverend Jim:Yeah, I only hit two cars and knocked down one street sign.

Reverend Jim:This is a meaningful moment. It reminds me of those intimate times I've shared in festival bathroom stalls.

Alex:So Jim, how does it feel to be a cabby?

Reverend Jim:It feels good, man. Real good.

Alex:Well, cabby, take me to the airport.

Alex:That'll be 30 cents.

Jim:30 cents? For a cab ride across the city?

Alex:Well, we've been driving for three hours and we're still in the garage.