Blind Date

Bobby:So most operators just say 'still nothing' when actors call in waiting for work.

Angela:But I give them other people's messages instead.

Bobby:It's actually very kind of her.

Bobby:And very desperate of me.

Bobby:You won't believe who just called Gene Shalit!

Gene:Who?

Bobby:Erma Bombeck!

Gene:Erma Bombeck?

Bobby:Yeah, the humor columnist.

Alex:Wait, you talked to Angela about your boxing career for five minutes? That's longer than any of your actual fights.

Bobby:Look, we had great conversations on the phone, but I could never ask her out. Every time I thought about it, I'd remember what she looks like.

Elaine:Bobby, you only date beautiful women. What if you met someone who wasn't conventionally attractive?

Bobby:Well, I'd have to be drunk.

Elaine:Drunk?

Bobby:Yeah, very drunk. I mean, I'd need several drinks before I could even consider it.

Elaine:Men are so shallow. You're all just focused on looks.

Bobby:Women are just as shallow. I mean, look at me - I'm short, I'm bald, I drive a cab. You think any woman would give me a second look?

Bobby:How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?

Louie:You want to know how popular short, pudgy, ugly men are? I'll tell you how popular they are. I'm gonna take you down to the docks, I'm gonna tie you to an anchor, and I'm gonna throw you in the river. Then I'm gonna wait for the tide to come in, and when it does, I'm gonna pull you out and feed you to the sharks. And you know what the sharks are gonna do? They're gonna spit you out!

Bobby:Any messages for me?

Louie:Yeah, you got a call from Gene Shalit.

Bobby:Gene Shalit? What did he want?

Louie:He didn't say. But he also left a message for you to check HIS messages.

Alex:Angela? Hi! It's Alex. Yeah, from the cab company. The yellow cabs. Well, they're not always yellow, some of them are a little more of a... ochre situation, but... anyway, I was thinking about you today. Actually, I was thinking about you yesterday too. And the day before. Not in a creepy way! More of a... mathematical way. Like, statistically speaking, you occupy a significant portion of my thoughts, which when you divide it by the total hours in a day, comes to... I'm not good with math. Do you like math? You seem like you'd be good at math. Or ballet. Do you do ballet? Anyway, would you maybe want to go out with me sometime?

Bobby:Hey Alex, you're really smooth with the ladies, aren't you? That's why Angela hung up on you.

Bobby:You know, most guys can at least get through a whole sentence without sounding like they're reading a ransom note.

Character:2,000 smackers.

Louie De Palma:Two thousand dollars. 'Smackers' is an informal colloquialism. The correct term is dollars.

Louie:I didn't lose two thousand bucks. I've been looking for money my whole life!

Louie:Ma, I'm gonna have to call you back. I got a cab waiting.

Elaine:What if I'm carrying it to donate to charity?

Elaine:What if I'm carrying it to help a friend in need?

Elaine:What if I'm carrying it because I'm a teacher and I'm going to use it for school supplies for underprivileged children?

Elaine:What if I'm carrying it because I just found out I have a terminal illness and I want to spend my last days doing good deeds?

Elaine:Well, you know, virtuous people carry cash. Like priests, nuns, Boy Scouts...

Tony:Yeah, and muggers, rapists, and murderers!

Tony:You go to Mario's, you get the clams oreganata with eggplant? Don't do it.

Tony:That's what killed my sister-in-law.

Angela:You could just lie about why you're here.

Alex:I can't lie. I'm honest. See, the thing is, I was looking for apartment 3B, but the '3' fell off the door, so I thought it said 'B', and I didn't know where 'B' was, so I tried all the apartments until I found one that looked like it might be 'B'.

Angela:That's worse than the truth.

Angela:Well, maybe it fell off because I have so many admirers searching for me.

Alex:I want to come into your apartment.

Angela:Oh, how courageous of you to stay.

Angela:You know, most guys stop smiling after they see me.

Angela:But you've been smiling the longest.

Angela:Congratulations.

Angela:Do you want to call your mother?

Alex:Why would I want to do that?

Angela:I don't know, maybe she'll say something that'll get you out of here.

Angela:You want to go somewhere else? What, you don't want to be seen with me in public?

Alex:No, no, that's not it at all.

Angela:Oh, so you're ashamed of me.

Alex:We could have drinks at your place.

Angela:Oh, so you want to hide me?

Angela:Italian food? That's what I need — to look like a meatball.

Alex:We don't have to go out if you don't want to.

Angela:Oh, I see what this is. You're looking for an easy way out of being seen with me in public.

Alex:Dinner will be fun, Angela. I promise.

Angela:Alex, the last time you promised me fun, I had such a fat chance of enjoying myself.

Alex:So what was that dish that killed Tony's sister-in-law?

Tony:Lasagna.

Alex:No, I mean what was it called?

Tony:It was called lasagna.

Angela:You know, I have a theory about rich people. They eat things like anchovies and caviar not because they like them, but because they're expensive and nobody else can afford them. It's just a way to show off.

Alex:Why do you still have your coat on?

Angela:The restaurant asked me to keep it on.

Angela:Aren't you having a good time?

Alex:Oh, it's medium.

Angela:Medium?

Alex:Yeah. I went out with a girl once who made me sit in the car while she went into a store. She was gone for three hours. When she came back, she didn't even apologize. She just said, 'I got distracted.' This is better than that, so I'd call it medium.

Angela:Do I match your mental picture of me?

Bobby:More or less.

Angela:More or less? What does that mean?

Bobby:More.

Latka:No, no, Bobby. I cannot ask Angela out.

Bobby:Why not? You like her, don't you?

Latka:Yes, but is not appropriate. She is too good for me.

Bobby:That's not true. Just ask her out.

Latka:No, Bobby. In my country, a man does not pursue a woman so forward. He must show respect.

Tony:We need you to hold the money, Alex.

Louie:You're the only one we can trust.

Bobby:Yeah, I'd spend it.

Danny:I'd lose it.

Elaine:I'd give it away.

Tony:And I'd steal it.

Tony:So, did you take care of everything?

Angela:You guys are laughing at me!

Alex:No, no, we're not laughing at you. Bobby just told us the funniest joke about a priest, a rabbi, and a penguin.

Angela:You know, you gave up that lie awfully fast. Most men would've stuck with it.

Angela:I don't need an escort home. Who's going to bother me? I've got a face that could stop traffic. Not because I'm beautiful — because drivers would swerve to avoid it.

Angela:Besides, no mugger would touch me. They'd be afraid I'd sue them for emotional damages after seeing me in the mirror.

Angela:Oh, so you buy a guy dinner and suddenly you owe him your body? That's the deal?

Angela:For a $12.95 meatloaf special, I'm supposed to let him see me in my slip?

Angela:What if he'd taken me to McDonald's? Would I owe him a hand job in the parking lot?

Latka:I am not dumb! I am very intelligent! I speak five languages!

Latka:You are the dumb one, Mr. De Palma. I have more brains in my little finger than you have in your whole head!

Latka:And another thing — I don't appreciate you calling me 'dumb foreigner.' It are very insulting!

Latka:You wanna piece of me?

Louie:Piece of you? I want the whole thing!

Latka:You know what? I accept your apology.

Louie:What apology? I didn't apologize!

Latka:I know. That's what I appreciate about you.

Bobby:So, did you get lucky?

Louie:So I went on this blind date, right? The woman takes one look at me and says, 'You're Louie?' I say, 'Yeah, what's wrong?' She says, 'Nothing, I just expected someone... taller.' I say, 'I AM tall! I'm five-foot-ten!' She says, 'In what? Heels?'

Louie:She wasn't my type.

Louie:My type is: female, and willing.

Elaine:Oh, that's beautiful, Louie. Really eloquent. You should write greeting cards.

Louie:Cholera? Are you kidding me? Do you know what this means? I paid forty bucks for dinner!

Elaine:Oh my God, that's disgusting!

Elaine:You know, I just realized something. Angela's been so quiet lately. I think she's finally figured out that the more she eats, the wider she gets. It's like watching a time-lapse of a balloon being inflated.

Alex:It's like when you pass an accident on the highway. You don't want to look, but you can't help yourself. You have to know if everyone's okay.

Tony:What do you need food for? You're always eating.

Louie:*clutches chest, staggers backward, eyes bulge*

Angela:Alex, what are you doing here again?

Alex:I just wanted to stop by and say hello.

Angela:You're hoping I won't be home, aren't you?

Angela:Well, based on my first date, I'd say dating is a lot of sitting around waiting for someone to tell you what to do.

Alex:I just want to forget about all that stupid stuff from last night.

Angela:You mean like having romantic feelings?

Angela:I'm not beautiful, I'm not good-looking, I'm not even plain.

Angela:Go ahead, contradict me.

Alex:I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Angela:I got a makeover today. The stylist said I needed to lose weight to really see the results.

Angela:She said I need to lose 10 pounds. Then she looked at me again and said, 'Actually, make that 70.'

Angela:Are you attracted to me?

Alex:Well, sure, but I'm working very hard at not doing anything about it.

Alex:I think you're a wonderful person, Angela. I'd like us to be friends.

Angela:Oh, I know that line. That's the 'Let's be friends' brush-off. Next you'll tell me it's not me, it's you.

Alex:You know what? This is great. We finally had a conversation where neither of us was uncomfortable.

Alex:How long has it been since you cried?

Angela:Thirty minutes ago.