Blind Date

Still nothing. You know, an actor doesn't like to hear that but Angela... nobody called me... She gives me other people's messages.

Sometimes she gives me Gene Shalit's messages. Yeah. Gene and me we use the same service, you know. A lot of stars call him. You know who called him yesterday? Who? Erma Bombeck.

That's longer than most of your fights last.

She might turn out to be a dog.

Sure, I would. If I was real drunk or something.

How popular are short, pudgy, ugly men?

I hope someone slams a door on your nose and you sneeze and your head explodes.

Anything for Shalit?

Yeah, I remember your voice, too even though I knew it was you. I mean, even if I didn't know it was you and I heard your voice, I would know it was you. You want to go out with me?

Smooth, Alex.

Not smackers. Bucks.

I didn't say I lost it. I just said I was looking for it. I've been looking for 2,000 bucks all my life.

Tell her I'll get back to her.

A priest who collected it for underprivileged crippled children. Or a nun on her way to send it to starving natives.

Or a hooker.

It killed my sister-in-law.

You could have said you were looking for another apartment. No. I was looking for this one, 3-D. It fell off when I knocked on... door.

Well, my admirers will just have to wander the halls looking for me.

You got guts.

Most guys drop it ten seconds after they see me. You can stop now. You've got the record.

To call your mother. Maybe you'll be lucky and she'll be sick and you'll have to run over and see her.

You must know a really dark bar where no one will see us.

Sure, why take any chance on anyone seeing you with me.

As you can see, I eat anything.

I was just trying to make it easy on you.

Fat chance.

Do you like clams oreganata with eggplant?

Rich people probably like them. Rich people like anything that's small that tastes weird.

The management requested it.

I once went out with a girl who pulled a knife on me, robbed me and threw me out of her car on the New Jersey turnpike. I have to think about that now as a medium date.

Am I what you pictured, Bobby? Yeah, more or less. More.

Maybe Alex will give you her number. You could call her up for tomorrow night. Oh, no. Thank you very much.

'cause nobody trusts nobody. Except you. Everybody trusts you.

Everything go all right in the ladies' room?

One of the guys told a joke.

You could have held out. I was almost ready to believe you.

I'm one of the few women in New York who's safe on the streets.

They give you a little dinner, they think they own you.

Did you said foreigner?

You better smile when you do that, buddy.

I accept your apology.

Hey, Alex, did you score?

Looking good, per usual...

I prefer my women 'H and H'... Homely and hot.

You're really a poet, you know?

I tried to take her blouse off. It's not my fault she feels sick so why shouldn't one of us have a good time, right?

Every time I talk to you, Louie I feel grateful that I haven't eaten yet.

Maybe Angela ate her.

I feel like I'm walking away from a car wreck with a person trapped inside.

Yeah, he'll probably just blow it on rent or food or something.

You want to pop the veins in my head?

What are you doing this time praying nobody will be home?

Good, so far it looks like I haven't been missing anything.

You mean falling in love?

Now, feel free to jump in and stop me anytime.

and dropped ten or 70 pounds.

I haven't been romantically involved in eight years and I'm not about to break my streak right now.

I can't believe you came all the way back here just because you forgot to give me the 'let's be friends' speech.

Hey, Angela, I think we had a normal moment there.

No. A half an hour.