One Punch Banta

Louie:Hey! You! Yeah, you in the yellow cab. I got a special job for you. It's gonna be hot, it's gonna be sweaty, and nobody else wants it.

Driver:What is it, Louie?

Louie:I need you to go pick up a guy from the bus station, take him to the airport, then come back here and wash my car. And if you complain, I'll give the next three fares to Nardo.

Louie:Latka, I'm worried about you. You been working too hard lately.

Latka:Thank you, Louie. That's very kind.

Louie:Yeah, you need to take it easy. In fact, why don't you go home early today? Get some rest.

Latka:Really? You mean it?

Louie:Of course I mean it. I'd hate to see something happen to you. So just get out of here before I lose my temper and break your legs.

Latka:Why you hit me, Louie?

Louie:Because you're an easy target and it makes me feel better about my miserable life.

Tony:I booked $120.

Alex:That's great!

Tony:Well, actually it was $80.

Alex:Oh.

Tony:Okay, it was $40.

Alex:Tony...

Tony:Alright, $20.

Alex:And?

Tony:They gave me cab fare home.

Louie:Hey, Alex! Get over here!

Alex:What is it, Louie?

Louie:Have you noticed I've been nicer lately?

Alex:Nicer? Louie, you just yelled at me.

Louie:Yeah, but did you hear the tone? I didn't call you stupid.

Louie:I'll fire you nice, John. I'll call you a loser.

Louie:He's gonna quit. He's walking toward the door. He's got his hand on the doorknob. He's turning it. He's opening the door. He's walking through. He's closing the door. He's gone.

Alex:I'm back.

Louie:He's back. He's walking toward me. He's got a very angry look on his face.

Louie:That'll be five bucks.

Tony:Five bucks? For what?

Louie:For telling you something.

Tony:What'd you tell me?

Louie:That'll be another five bucks if you want to know what I told you.

Tony:This is ridiculous.

Louie:Ten bucks says you think so.

Tony:Okay, okay. What was the information?

Louie:That'll be fifteen bucks.

Tony:Fifteen?!

Louie:You want it specific, it costs more. There was no information.

Alex:Louie, you can't say that. The correct term is...

Louie:Yeah, yeah, I got it. So what I meant to say is...

Alex:I'm not myself today.

Bobby:Yeah, well, whoever you are, you're a real jerk.

Tony:I'm gonna spar with the champ! Can you believe it? Me and the champ, in the ring together!

Tony:He's gonna punch me, and I'm gonna punch him back. Well, I'm gonna try to punch him back. Mostly he's just gonna punch me.

Tony:But that's the exciting part - getting beaten up by the champ!

Bobby:You're buying Tony a robe? What for?

Bobby:Oh, I see. You assume he'll need it while recovering from injuries.

Alex:Tony, we all got together and got you a little something.

Tony:Oh wow, that's great! Who contributed?

Alex:Well, there's me, Jim, Marty, Elaine, Bobby, Carol, and Reverend Jim.

Tony:That's wonderful. Who didn't chip in?

Alex:Louie.

Tony:I only had a towel before.

Tony:Someone thought I was a hotel advertisement.

Manager:What would you like to be called?

Tony:How about 'Reverend'? I'm a cab driver, but I'd like to be called 'Reverend.'

Manager:Reverend? Why?

Tony:Because I'd rather be called 'Reverend' than what everybody else calls me.

Manager:What do they call you?

Tony:A cab driver.

Tony:I can't get this robe off! These boxing gloves won't let me!

Alex:Tony, why did you wear that robe in the first place if you knew you'd have trouble taking it off?

Tony:Because it makes me look like a real boxer!

Bobby:I don't improve, my partners do.

Tony:I'm sorry, I didn't mean to knock him down. I was just trying to... I mean, I wasn't expecting to actually...

Latka:So I tell her, 'You want to...?' and I do this with my hands.

Louie:What'd she say?

Latka:She say, 'Yes, yes!' So we go to her apartment and we... we do the thing with the... you know.

Louie:The thing?

Latka:The... the... I cannot find the words in English. Is like this... and then this... and then we both make the noise like 'Uhhhhh!'

Louie:Listen, Latka, there's a difference between love and lust. Love is when you care about someone's feelings, their happiness, their future. Lust is just physical attraction.

Latka:So which one do I feel?

Louie:Kid, if you gotta ask, it ain't love. It's lust. And if it lasts more than a week, it's indigestion.

Latka:I am happy! I am sad! I am angry! I am confused!

Alex:Yeah, it's only Tuesday.

Louie:The world's going crazy, I tell ya. Everybody's nuts. You know what's responsible for all this? Aerosol cans. That's right, aerosol cans. They're destroying the ozone layer, making people insane. I read it somewhere.

Tony:I'm gonna go out and buy myself a nice pair of headgear, a mouthpiece, and some good boxing gloves.

Tony:How good is this guy?

Alex:Well, he's recordable.

Tony:Recordable?

Alex:Yeah, if you're good enough to be recorded, you're legitimate.

Louie:A dollar? A dollar?! You're betting a dollar on Tony? What are you gonna do with your winnings, buy yourself a cup of coffee?

Alex:Louie, it's not about the money.

Louie:Not about the money? Kid, with you it's never about the money. It's about the principle. And the principle here is you're a cheapskate.

Louie:You're going to give up a Friday night... The busiest night of the week... To go watch the macaroni pony fight?

Louie:Where is everybody? It's Friday night, the garage should be packed!

Louie:They all went to Tony's fight.

Louie De Palma:You know, I've always wanted to sing. To perform. To get up on stage and really... really belt it out.

Tony:My TV broke during the Olympics. I had to listen to it on the radio.

Tony:Do you know how hard it is to watch the gymnastics on radio?

Bobby Benson:You know, I hate those graphic warnings they put on boxing matches. 'WARNING: This event may contain graphic violence.' I mean, come on, we know what we're getting into.

Bobby Benson:You know what I like? Theater. You go to a play, they don't warn you about anything. You just sit down and enjoy some culture.

Bobby:In the theater, they say 'places everyone' before the curtain goes up. In a fight, nobody says that. You just get socked.

Jerry:That was amazing, Tony. You knocked down the champion!

Louie:Yeah, kid. That was something special.

Tony:I told you I had it in me!

Louie:Tony, I gotta tell you something. That guy wasn't the real champion.

Tony:What do you mean he wasn't the real champion?

Louie:He was a fake. We hired him to take a dive.

Tony:You mean... I didn't actually knock down the champion?

Louie:That's right, kid.

Tony:Hey, excuse me, champ. Would you mind if I punched you in the face?

Champion:What? No!

Tony:Okay, thank you anyway.

Unknown fighter:What's wrong with Tony? Is he having a breakdown?

Tony Banta:No, I'm praying.

Tony Banta:Who is this guy?

Frankie Wallace:Oh, this is my friend Vince. He's gonna beat you up.

Alex:No, no, Louie. You won fair and square. I lost the bet, so I'm paying you.

Louie:Alex, Alex. Forget about it. What are friends for? Keep your money.

Alex:I insist, Louie. A bet's a bet.

Louie:How much was it?

Louie:Don't worry, Tony. You got my support. I'm behind you one hundred percent.

Tony:Thanks, Louie. That means a lot.

Louie:Yeah, well, as long as you keep making me money, I'll be behind you two hundred percent.

Louie:Tony, I'm behind you all the way. One hundred percent. You need anything, you just say the word.

Tony:Thanks, Louie. That means a lot.

Louie:Hey, forget about it. We're all rooting for you. Now, when you make your comeback and you're back on top, you're not gonna forget your old pal Louie, are ya?