Out Of Commission

Tony:So if it was over in one punch, there's nothing to remember.

Tony:Should I tip the paramedics?

Tony:I mean, they carried me out on a stretcher, they loaded me in the ambulance... that's gotta be worth at least 15 percent.

Opponent:Hey, you okay? I didn't mean to hit you that hard.

Tony:Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

Opponent:Listen, I feel terrible. Can I get you anything? Water? Towel?

Tony:No, no, I'm good. Thanks for asking though.

Opponent:Which way is the locker room? I've been wandering around here for ten minutes trying to find mine.

Tony:Twenty bucks? That's all I got for getting beaten up for three rounds?

Tony:Wait, wait... let me do the math here. Three rounds, three minutes each... that's nine minutes total.

Tony:Twenty dollars divided by nine minutes... that's two dollars and twenty-two cents a minute!

Tony:Hey, that's not bad! I make more per minute getting my face rearranged than I do driving a cab!

Doctor:How many times have you been knocked out?

Tony:Knocked out? I don't know, doc. I lost count after about... well, a lot of times.

Tony:But I don't think of it as being knocked out. I think of it as taking a rest.

Tony:The ref just counts real fast, so by the time I'm ready to get up, he's already at ten.

Tony Banta:Doc, what's wrong with me? I got this pain in my shoulder.

Dr. Webster:Well, let me see. You're dropping your right shoulder when you throw a punch. Keep it up, protect your chin.

Tony Banta:Doc, I'm not asking for boxing advice. I'm asking what's medically wrong with me!

Dr. Webster:That IS medically wrong with you, Tony. You've got a boxer's injury.

Dr. Webster:What's your name?

Tony:I don't know.

Dr. Webster:Tony Banta.

Tony:Yeah, that's it!

Tony:I'm not sure if they were doctors or just concerned spectators.

Tony:Wait a minute, wait a minute. This guy can't fight anymore?

Tony:I'll fight him.

Tony:I've been knocked out more times than I can remember.

Doctor:That proves my point.

Dr. Webster:Well, that certainly undermines your argument.

Louie:Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear crazy lady, happy birthday to you.

Elaine:So I'm driving in the cab, right? And I'm getting hit on constantly. Every red light, every stop sign. So I figure, I'll dress down. You know, make myself look less attractive.

Elaine:I put on this old sweatshirt, no makeup, hair in a mess. I look terrible.

Elaine:And you know what happens? It works! No more harassment. But now I'm getting a different kind of attention.

Elaine:Now the guys who stop by are way worse. Like, I'm getting hit on by guys who are missing teeth, guys with visible stains on their shirts, guys who smell like they bathed in cologne to cover up something worse.

Elaine:I went from being too attractive to being the perfect target for people I wouldn't have given a second look to before.

Random creep:Hey baby, where are you going looking like that?

Creep:Hey baby, what's your sign?

Jim:Thank you for calling the Sunshine Cab Company. If you'd like a cab, press 1. If you'd like to make a complaint, press 2.

Caller:[confused silence/unclear response]

Jim:You're a good listener.

Tony:Glamorous!

Tony:What are you talking about? That's the best part!

Bobby:I'm not really a cab driver. I'm just waiting for something better.

Bobby:I'm waiting for death.

Tony:I'm going to tie one on.

Jim:Oh great! I love Chinese food!

Tony:Louie, I lost my boxing license. I need your sympathy.

Louie:Sympathy? Tony, I made two hundred bucks betting you'd lose.

Louie:My mother's got female problems.

Louie:The problem is she's becoming masculine-looking.

Bobby:Well, yeah, but when I act, nobody gets brutalized.

Elaine:That's true. Unlike boxing.

Bobby:Well, actually, I brutalize playwrights and audiences.

Louie:Years? I've been waiting years to use that joke!

Louie:You know what I'm gonna do with you, Tony? I'm gonna have a fire sale. Everything must go!

Tony:A fire sale? Louie, come on—

Louie:Then I'm gonna buy you the worst suit in New York and make you wear it every day.

Tony:Louie, please—

Louie:And finally, I'm gonna put you in a glass case in the window of Macy's as a human display piece.

Bobby:Hey Tony, 'Kid Rodriguez'? That's a great name for a fighter.

Tony:Yeah, you like it?

Bobby:Sure. Say, whatever happened to 'Hola'?

Alex:You don't have to be a boxer to get brain damage. There's easier ways.

Alex:You could just drive a cab in New York.

Louie:Ma, how'd the operation go? ...Yeah? ...Uh huh... Oh that's wonderful, Ma. The doctor said you're gonna be fine? ...Oh, that's terrific news, Ma. I'm so relieved. ...What's that, Ma? ...The doctor said what? ...He said you looked like you could've been a linebacker? Ma, that's not funny. That's not funny at all!

Jim:Boxing is a savage blood sport. It's barbaric, it's brutal, it's everything that's wrong with civilization.

Jim:I'm talking about bullfighting.

Tony:Here, take fifty bucks.

Opponent:What's this for?

Tony:So you don't rearrange my face.

Opponent:Oh! You want to high-five!

Tony:No, I want to give you money so you don't hit me.

Opponent:Now I'm definitely gonna hit you.

Tony's opponent:I'll give you a thousand dollars if you don't hurt my face.

Tony Banta:Deal!

Tony's opponent:Wait, I meant dollars, not a high-five.

Jim:Tony, you've got to think about the overall look. Shoes before pants? That's not a fashion statement, that's a cry for help.

Tony:What are you talking about? I always do it this way.

Jim:That explains a lot.

Bobby:How many fights have you been in?

Alex:Well, I don't fight with people. I only fight with reality.

Tony:Weird? No, no, no. I'm not acting weird. I'm perfectly fine. Everything is normal.

Tony:¡Ay, Dios mío! ¿Qué está pasando aquí? Yo soy un hombre muy importante!

Ring announcer:In this corner, weighing 185 pounds, Tony Banta!

Ring announcer:Ladies and gentlemen, he's a real Latin fighter!

Announcer:162 pounds

Tony:Wait, wait, wait. That can't be right. I was 165 this morning.

Tony:I lost three pounds since I got here?

Tony:Twenty-three and eight? That's my record?

Tony:I didn't know I was that good!

Tony:Wait, whose record is that?

Opponent:Buena suerte.

Tony:Gracias. 'Besame Mucho'.

Tony:I'm trying to quit, okay? I'm telling him I want to stop fighting.

Tony:So I says to him, 'No más el fighting!'

Tony:After years of boxing, he can only afford one suit