Fledgling

Elaine:I don't think your reputation for being reclusive is really fair. You're actually quite sociable.

Craig:Get out of my apartment.

Craig:I... I can't open the door right now. I'm... I'm in the middle of something very important. Very important. I can't be disturbed.

Craig:Get out of here! Go away!

Alex:Well, thank you, Craig. That was a real fun experience.

Craig:Yeah, I got a real vicious dog at home. Meanest thing you ever saw.

Craig:One time a guy tried to break in, and that dog just tore him to shreds.

Craig:Another time, a cat came in the yard, and that dog...

Craig:Who am I kidding? I don't have a dog.

Craig:Sit!

Craig:Good boy.

Elaine:Craig, what are you doing?

Craig:Stay!

Craig:That's a good Craig.

Elaine:Oh my God. You've been talking to yourself this whole time, haven't you?

Craig:Down boy!

Alex:Craig, what is all this?

Craig:My paintings.

Alex:But these are... these are just pictures of your apartment. Your couch, your window, your kitchen table...

Craig:I paint what I know.

Alex:Craig, you've painted your radiator forty-seven times. Forty-seven!

Craig:Each one captures a different mood.

Craig:I'll take you all out for coffee.

Craig:You go ahead, I'll catch up with you later.

Alex:Agoraphobia is the fear of agora, which is a large open marketplace. So it's the fear of open spaces and crowds.

Craig:Actually, Alex, agoraphobia is more specifically the fear of open or crowded spaces where escape might be difficult, or the fear of having a panic attack in public. It's not just about marketplaces.

Alex:Oh.

Craig:I'm afraid of heights, crowds, and open spaces.

Craig:Also afraid of closed spaces, spiders, and needles.

Craig:Oh, and I have this terrible fear of British television personality David Niven.

Elaine:How are you even alive?

Craig:I don't know. I guess I'm just lucky.

Alex:You're psychotic.

Craig:Thank you.

Craig:I don't have a phobia of sex.

Elaine:Really? What kind of phobia do you have?

Craig:Well, it's sex... but only in open spaces. And only when other people might see me.

Elaine:That's not a phobia of sex. That's agoraphobia.

Craig:No, no. It's definitely a sex phobia. I'm fine with agoraphobia... as long as I'm alone.

Craig:I was just joking.

Craig:I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.

Elaine:You know, with all those duplicates, you're like Noah's ark. Except instead of two of every animal, you've got two of every thing.

Louie:Elaine! You're back! Welcome back!

Louie:You know, you remind me of Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Just as controlling, just as cold.

Louie:Oh sure, sure, healing powers. What are you gonna do next, walk on water?

Elaine:I'm telling you, Louie, I have a gift.

Louie:Yeah, a gift for separating people from their money. Ladies and gentlemen, I was blind, and this woman touched my head, and now I can see! Hallelujah!

Elaine:That's not funny.

Louie:I was lame, and she rubbed my legs, and now I can walk! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Elaine! I'm cured!

Louie De Palma:You know, Elaine, she comes in here, she's got all these problems, all these complaints. But let me tell you something - at least she's got the guts to say what she thinks. Me? I sit in this booth all day, I don't say nothing. I just watch. I watch all of you. And you know what I've learned? Life is like being a dispatcher. Everybody's going somewhere, nobody knows where they're going, and I'm the only one who knows what's really happening.

Louie:Alex and Elaine walked into the garage, and without saying a word to each other, they immediately started making out.

Louie:I watched them for a moment, then I walked over to the filing cabinet, opened the drawer, pulled out a bottle of scotch, and took a long drink.

Louie:You see? You've trained him just like a pet. Here, Craig, do a trick!

Louie:What do you mean there's no mail? How am I supposed to throw something away if there's nothing to throw away?

Elaine:I use a very effective therapeutic technique. I help people confront their fears directly.

Louie:You know, I got a real bad phobia. Maybe you could help me get over it?

Elaine:Of course. What's your phobia?

Louie:I'm afraid of women. Why don't you come back to my office and help me work through it?

Louie:I got this bottle of wine back in '62. Some guy left it in my cab. I been savin' it all these years for a special occasion.

Louie:This is a very expensive vintage. Very rare.

Louie:The guy who left it in my cab said it was worth a fortune.

Louie:I've been waiting for the right occasion to wear this suit.

Louie:I guess a minor traffic violation will do.

Louie:You trusted a woman? What are you, crazy? Listen to me, Alex. Women are like cabs in New York. Even if they're marked 'occupied,' they'll still stop for you.

Louie:This wine, it's got quite a history. Belonged to a very famous man once.

Louie:A real swashbuckler. A legend in his time.

Louie:Errol Flynn.

Louie:Flynn was with two beautiful women.

Louie:Well, let me rephrase that. Flynn was with two women.

Louie:Don't worry, I'll take care of Flynn. I'll make sure he gets upstairs safe and sound.

Louie:Yeah, I robbed him. Look at this watch, these cufflinks, this wallet. The guy's passed out cold and there's no doorman around. What am I, a saint?

Louie:Alright, ladies, we split everything fair and square. You each get your pick.

Woman 1:I'll take this watch.

Woman 2:And I'll take that ring.

Louie:Wait, what about my share?

Woman 1:Your share? Hand it over, Louie.

Louie:Hey! That's mine!

Louie:You know, Flynn and me, we've both been betrayed by women. It's a sad thing.

Louie:But at least Flynn's got an excuse. He looks like an anteater.

Louie:What's Alex's excuse?

Jim:Should we all rest or just him?

Craig:Driver! Driver, let me out! I'm locked in here!

Craig:Wait, wait... okay, okay. Just take me to 42nd and Park. And step on it!

Jim:Craig, calm down. You're working yourself into a state.

Craig:I can't help it, Jim! I'm freaking out!

Jim:Listen to me. You've paid good money for anxiety states before. You can handle this one for free.

Tony:You do that until your hand is like a raw cutlet.

Craig:Can I go back to Jim now?

Tony:You know what your problem is? You're not exercising enough. You need to take up handball.

Craig:I tried handball, Tony. It didn't help.

Tony:Handball? That's nothing. You need to take up squash. Now that's exercise!

Bobby:Peter O'Toole told me the secret to getting over stage fright. He said, 'Just remember, the people in the audience—they're nobody. They don't matter. Ignore them completely.'

Bobby:I said, 'Peter, that's not getting over stage fright. That's just becoming a jerk.'

Bobby:Peter O'Toole told me the secret to stage fright is to imagine the audience in their underwear.

Craig:Yeah, well I tried that once. Then I imagined Laurence Olivier in his underwear. Then I imagined Marlon Brando in his underwear. Then I imagined Spencer Tracy in his underwear. And suddenly I'm more nervous than ever!

Bobby:You can't let the audience get to you. Just dismiss their criticism.

Craig:Yeah, you're right. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? I could be performing in front of Laurence Olivier, Marlon Brando, and Tennessee Williams, and they could all walk out.

Craig:You're right. I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy!

Bobby:That's right, you're not.

Bobby:I can't do anything right. I'm a complete failure as a driver, as an actor, as a person. I don't know why anyone even bothers talking to me.

Craig:I'm fine. Just a little stressed.

Louie De Palma:Take care of yourself, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Customer:That doesn't leave much out, does it?

Louie De Palma:Nope!