Of Mice And Tony

Tony:Alex, I need to talk to you about something serious. Something that's been weighing on me.

Alex:Yeah, yeah, of course, Tony. What is it?

Tony:Well, it's about my personal life, and I really need your advice because—

Alex:Uh-huh, uh-huh... Sorry, what? I just found out I won two hundred dollars on a scratch-off ticket!

Tony:Alex, I'm trying to tell you something important here.

Alex:Right, right, I'm listening. Go ahead.

Tony:It's really serious and I—

Alex:Two hundred dollars! Can you believe it? I never win anything!

Alex:I promise I'll stop grinning.

Alex:Did I stop?

Alex:Louie, you lost every single football bet you made this season.

Louie:Yeah, so?

Alex:So? Do you realize what you've accomplished? That's perfect! You went zero for the entire season. That's a record!

Louie:I guess you're right. I'm actually pretty good at something.

Alex:I feel terrible about what happened to Louie.

Alex:But not sorry enough to do anything about it.

Louie:Hey, you guys know Jim Ignatowski? What do you think of him?

Louie:And if anybody says anything bad about him, I'm gonna turn you all into dogs.

Jim:No pain, no gain? That's not how it works for me. I got no pain AND no gain!

Louie:Come on, Alex, guys' code. You gotta take the bet.

Elaine:Don't listen to him, Alex. It's a sucker bet.

Louie:Stay out of this, Elaine. You're not guys.

Louie:Okay, okay, I'm going with the Yankees.

Louie:No wait, the Red Sox. The Red Sox are hot right now.

Louie:Actually, you know what? The Yankees. I'm feeling the Yankees.

Louie:No, no, no - Red Sox. Final answer, Red Sox.

Louie:That's it! I want to bet on both teams!

Louie:What do you mean I can't? Just put the money on both!

Louie:Hut! Hut! Hike!

Tony:The judges were communist! That's why my fighter lost. They didn't judge him fair. Communist judges, what do you expect?

Alex:That's silly, Tony.

Tony:You think so?

Alex:You bet.

Tony:*hits Alex*

Tony:Tommy, make the place look classy.

Tommy:I'll wash my hair.

Tony:That's nice of you to offer, but no thanks.

Tony:I appreciate it, I really do. But I gotta draw the line somewhere.

Tony:Yeah, well, thank you, Tommy. That's very nice of you.

Tony:But you can stop now.

Tommy:Hey Tony, you're gonna love this. I'm gonna make you look like a real big shot.

Tommy:See, I got you this phone. Now when people call, you can answer it and they'll think you're important.

Tony:Tommy, that's a good idea.

Tommy:Yeah, and whenever you're sitting around, you just hold it up to your ear like you're talking to somebody important.

Tommy:Maybe pace around a little bit, you know? Look concerned about whatever it is you're talking about.

Tony:It was personal.

Tommy:You know, Terry wasn't very articulate during that conversation.

Jim:I know when to stop drinking. My indicator is when the pretzels start dancing.

Jim:They do the fox-trot.

Jim:I'll have a pint, if you please.

Jim:Hey, can we change the channel? I want to watch something with a little more intellectual substance.

Bobby:Are you out of your mind? The game's on!

Jim:I know, but there's a BBC adaptation of 'Pride and Prejudice' coming on. It's highbrow British literature.

Bobby:Jim, we're watching football.

Jim:But it's art, Bobby. Pure art.

Jim:Did you see the waistcoat on that fellow? Absolutely exquisite. The way it complements his doublet... simply divine.

Latka:Look at that fellow on the television. His wardrobe is most peculiar.

Latka:The way he wears that garment, it is as though he believes himself to be some sort of fashion royalty.

Latka:In my country, we would never dress in such an absurdly pretentious manner.

Latka:Though I must admit, his socks are impeccable.

Jim:Louie, you can't just change the channel like that. That's not how we do things here.

Jim:There's a protocol. A code of conduct. You don't just waltz in and commandeer the remote.

Jim:This is a serious violation of etiquette. We need to have a formal discussion about boundaries.

Louie:Go back to 'nutland' instead of England

Louie:You want to complain? Listen, Latka, if you're gonna do this British thing, you gotta commit to it. You can't just put on an accent and expect people to buy it. You gotta BE British.

Latka:What do you mean, Louie? I am being British!

Louie:Yeah? Well, congratulations. You're doing a great job. You're merry, you're old, and you're definitely in England... because you're completely out of your mind.

Jim:That's it, Louie! I'm writing a letter to the newspaper!

Louie:A letter to the newspaper?

Jim:That's right. And I'm gonna tell them exactly what I think of you.

Terry's Mother:We're worried boxing might hurt your hands.

Terry's Father:Yes, you need your hands for your other job.

Terry:My other job is construction work.

Elaine:You're a construction worker? Terry, you drive a cab.

Louie:That bum! He couldn't kick a field goal if his life depended on it! You know what his problem is? He's got no guts, no heart! My grandmother could kick better than that, and she's been dead for five years!

Louie:My whole life is manure!

Jim:Louie, I'm going to give you the money you lost.

Louie:You are?

Jim:Yeah, I'm going to give it to you... in my will.

Jim:Louie, there's a difference between pulling my ear and pulling my leg!

Terry:The waiter, he comes over and he starts explaining everything on the menu. I'm thinking, 'They can't afford to print these things?'

Tony:What did you tell the syndicate about signing with them?

Terry:I told them I wanted it with extra onions.

Tony:I don't want the syndicate at the fight.

Terry:Too late. I already bought them tickets.

Alex:The difference between seconding for Tony and seconding for Terry is that when you second for Tony, you spend the whole fight yelling 'Get up! Get up!' When you second for Terry, you spend the whole fight yelling 'Stay down! Stay down!'

Tony:I'm telling you, I'm jinxed. I got an albatross around my neck.

Bobby:You mean an albatross? Like the bird?

Tony:No, no, an albacore. You know, the tuna fish. I'm so unlucky, even my bad luck is a seafood.

Louie:See this? I got five hundred in my left shoe, three hundred in my right shoe, two hundred taped to my chest, one hundred in my sock, fifty in my hat, and twenty-five in my mouth.

Alex:Louie, that's crazy. What if someone mugs you?

Louie:They're gonna have to work for it.

Alex:Louie, Tony's fighter is really good. You should be worried.

Louie:How long has Tony been training him?

Alex:A few weeks.

Louie:A few weeks? Ah, forget about it. He's no threat.

Louie:Dear God, I know I haven't always been a good man, but I'm asking you to help me win this fight. Guide my fists, strengthen my spirit—

Louie:Oh, and God? If you could see your way clear to letting me win twenty bucks on the side, I'd really appreciate it.

Tony:Come on, keep your guard up! Float like a butterfly, sting like a— *makes weird sound* —I mean, sting like a bee!

Dr. Harden:In my professional experience as an anesthesiologist, I must say I'm impressed. It usually takes me a full dose of sodium pentothal to achieve that level of unconsciousness.

Tony:My dreams are priceless. Nobody can put a price tag on my dreams.

Dr. Frazier:I'll give you fifty dollars for them.

Tony:Sold!

Louie:Here's your money, Alex.

Louie:You know, I hope a truck hits me on the way home.

Louie:I hope it hits me twice.

Louie:I hope when I'm lying in the street, a bus comes along and finishes the job.

Louie:I hope they don't find my body for three weeks.

Louie:I hope when they do find me, I'm unidentifiable.

Tony:That's what I love about Terry. He's loyal. He's honest. He's got integrity. You know what I mean? He's a good guy. A really good guy.

Alex:Tony, we've got $10,000! We could go anywhere - that fancy French place, the steakhouse uptown...

Tony:Nah, let's go to Sal's.

Alex:Sal's? Tony, we can afford better now!

Tony:I know, but the food's good there.