Louie Goes Too Far

Elaine:Are you kidding? Did you see how he looked at me? Nobody's looked at me like that since... well, since never.

Alex:Did you make a date with this guy?

Elaine:No, no, no. Well, we're having dinner.

Louie:Hey, how's it going?

Jim:Well, it was going fine until you walked in and sucked all the charm out of the room.

Louie:Jogging? Jim, next thing you know you'll be eating granola, wearing a warm-up suit, and talking about your cholesterol.

Louie:I've got one word for you that's gonna make your body say merci beaucoup. Jazzercise.

Jim:You're taking jazzercise?

Louie:Yeah, I figured I'd get in shape.

Jim:That's great, Louie.

Louie:Yeah, and the instructor is this beautiful blonde in a leotard.

Louie:You need three things for jazzercise: a leotard, leg warmers, and a friend who won't laugh at you.

Jim:So you'll do it with me?

Louie:No.

Louie:I'm not doing this for you, Jim. I'm doing this for me. Every time I help you out, I get to see the look on your face when you realize I'm a better man than you. It's the only thing that gets me through the day.

Alex:Where'd you get that?

Jim:It's Byron. I found it on the bathroom wall at Grand Central.

Elaine:There was an eye! A human eye looking through the hole!

Alex:It could be a rat with an eye.

Louie:♪ I'm just a peeping Tom, doing what I love to do... ♪

Elaine:I'm going to change clothes now. I'll be completely naked and vulnerable in my apartment.

Louie:Huh? What'd you say?

Elaine:I said I'm changing clothes. Going to be right by the window.

Elaine:Why are your eyes tearing?

Louie:I was just thinking about my mother. She's been dead for fifteen years, and I still miss her every single day. She was the most wonderful woman in the world - so kind, so generous, so full of life. And now she's gone, and I'll never see her again. It tears me up just thinking about it.

Louie:I'm crying because I'm so moved by your beauty.

Elaine:Then why is only one eye tearing up?

Louie:I wasn't peeping! I was just praying at the window!

Vic:Louie, your filing system is like your love life - everything's in the wrong drawer and nobody knows where to find anything!

Iggy:I believe in Louie. I believe in him like I believe in Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, and Charo.

Iggy:Look me in the eye and deny it.

Louie:I can't look you in the eye right now.

Louie:I got something in my contact lens.

Jazzercise Instructor:Alright everyone, now we're going to work on your buns. Really focus on those buns. Tighten up those buns. Feel the burn in your buns. Come on, buns, buns, buns!

Jim:I've been taking this acting class, and I'm really excited about it. The teacher says I have real potential.

Jim:So I showed him my monologue, and he said, 'That's the worst thing I've ever seen. Don't ever do that again.'

Louie:Hey there, beautiful. What's your name?

Andrea Stewart:I'm Andrea Stewart, from the National Organization for Women.

Louie:NOW? Never heard of it. But I like the way you NOW, baby.

Louie:Hey, gorgeous! You're looking at the new owner of this cab company.

NOW Representative:Mr. De Palma, I'm here to discuss discriminatory hiring practices.

Louie:Discriminatory? I discriminate in favor of beauty, sweetheart. And you just won the jackpot.

NOW Representative:This is exactly the kind of behavior we're investigating.

Louie:Listen, doll, how about we settle this over dinner? My place. I'll even let you keep your shoes on.

Louie:Sexual punishment? That's not a punishment, that's a fringe benefit!

Tony:You know, Louie, I appreciate the gesture, but I can't accept this cab.

Louie:What are you talking about? It's yours. Consider it a gift.

Tony:That's exactly the problem. You're trying to bribe me, and I won't be part of it.

Louie:Bribe? I'm just being generous to my best driver.

Tony:Louie, we both know why you're doing this. And I have to be honest about it.

Louie:Your honesty. That's what I hate about you, Tony.

Louie:Fine. Give the cab to Elaine.

Iggy:I'm telling you, I heard these two guys talking about a bank robbery!

Louie:What did they say?

Iggy:They said it was going down Friday night at the First National on 42nd Street. One guy had a gun, the other had the blueprints. And get this — they were drinking coffee with Sweet'n Low!

Louie:A banana would be more intelligent than you, Iggy.

Louie:I won! I won the dispute! You're fired!

Alex:No, Louie. You're fired.

Alex:He's like a broken toilet.

Louie:What's that supposed to mean?

Alex:Nobody wants to go near him, and when they do, they always feel like washing their hands afterward.

Louie De Palma:You think I'm bad now? Wait till you see what I got planned. I'm gonna be so terrible, so rotten, so despicable, you're all gonna wish you never met me. And that's a promise.

Jim:Boy, I'm really going to miss him.

Louie:Elaine, please, I'm begging you. I need my job back. I'll do anything.

Elaine:Louie, get up off the floor.

Louie:No. Not until you say I can come back to work.

Louie:I'm gonna kill myself.

Elaine:Oh, please do.

Louie:She's not ready yet.

Robert:How long is this going to take?

Louie:I don't know. She's been in there for two hours already.

Robert:Two hours? What's she doing in there?

Louie:I don't know, but whatever it is, it's not working.

Louie:You know what they call people without jobs? Bums. Lazy bums. Deadbeats. Parasites on society. Good-for-nothing loafers who can't hold down a job to save their lives.

Louie:Wait a minute... I'm unemployed.

Robert:What's wrong with Louie?

Elaine:He's sick.

Robert:Sick? What do you mean sick?

Elaine:I mean he's a jerk.

Robert:You have no compassion, Elaine. No warmth.

Elaine:That's not true! I'm very warm! I'm incredibly warm! I'm the warmest person you know! I have so much warmth!

Robert:He's not a bad man. He's just... he's just a little confused about boundaries.

Elaine:Robert, he's a peeping tom!

Robert:I know, I know. But deep down, there's a good person in there. You just have to look past the obvious character flaws and see the potential for growth.

Louie:What's he so mad about? I'm the one who should be mad. He liked me better than her!

Louie:Why is peeping wrong? I'm just looking!

Bobby:Because people have a right to privacy, Louie.

Louie:Privacy? What's the big deal? I'm not touching anything!

Bobby:It's about respect. You wouldn't want someone looking at you that way.

Louie:Sure I would. At least somebody'd be looking at me!

Elaine:Louie, you don't even understand what you did wrong.

Louie:What do you mean I don't understand? Of course I understand.

Elaine:No, you don't. You're not even listening to what I'm saying.

Louie:I'm listening, I'm listening. You want me to apologize, I'll apologize. You want me to get down on my knees, I'll get down on my knees. What do you want from me?

Elaine:I want you to understand why what you did was wrong.

Louie:Alright, alright. So what's in it for me if I understand?

Louie:I understand objectification. I watch that women's lib show on TV. But come on, these broads are really overreacting.

Louie:I felt violated. You know what happened to me? I had to go shopping in the children's section for 'husky' sizes.

Louie:You think you know what it's like to feel violated? I went to buy a suit at a store, and the tailor, he measured my inseam. My INSEAM! Right there in front of everybody. Then he wrote down the number on a little card and showed it to another tailor. I felt like a piece of meat!

Mother at store:Those pants are too small for him.

Louie De Palma:Lady, mind your own business.

Mother at store:I'm just saying, he's a big boy.

Louie De Palma:Yeah, well he's still growing.

Elaine:Did you respond to what he said?

Louie:You're damn right I did. I told him his mother dresses him funny.

Louie:You know what the worst part is? I'm walking around in these corduroy pants, and every step I take, they go "squeak squeak squeak." I sound like a toy. A grown man shouldn't squeak when he walks.

Louie:I walk out of the store in my new clothes, feeling like a million bucks. This woman looks at me and says, 'Mister, your fly is down.' I look down, zip it up, feel great. Then a guy taps me on the shoulder and says, 'Your shirt's on backwards.' I turn it around. Then another person says, 'Those aren't your shoes.' Turns out I grabbed someone else's shoes. So I'm standing there in the middle of the street looking like an idiot, and finally this little kid points at me and says to his mother, 'Mommy, is that man retarded?'

Louie:You know, I think I understand what you've been going through.

Elaine:Kind of.

Louie:So you're telling me you were parked in a No Parking zone?

Elaine:Yeah.