I Wanna Be Around

Tony:This coffee is terrible!

Unknown character:Yeah, that'll happen when you beat it to death like that.

Jim:A screwdriver? Which vending machine has that?

Character:Don't worry, I won't tell anyone why the tool room is locked.

Character:It's because Bobby set the socket wrench collection on fire.

Unknown character:I wish your survival could be voted on.

Louie:What's wrong with wheat? It's got fiber, it's got carbs. You want I should eat salami all day? This is healthier!

Louie:Judas! You're Judas!

Louie:Even Donahue was scared. You know what scared him most? The guy said when the end comes, there won't be a twinkle in the sky. No twinkle.

Louie:Donahue said, 'What do you mean no twinkle?' The guy said, 'No twinkle. Just darkness.' Donahue turned white as a ghost.

Louie:I said, 'Donahue, what are you worried about? You ain't never had a twinkle in the sky.' He said, 'Yeah, but at least I knew it was there.'

Louie:You know what? You're just like Donahue. You ain't got a twinkle neither. But then again, you ain't got much of a brain either.

Louie De Palma:Nuclear holocaust, class warfare, overpopulation...

Unknown character:Boo hoo.

Louie:Oh, sure, Confucius!

Louie:I call it my Doom Room.

Other Character:Doom Room? Why not call it a Safe Room or something positive?

Louie:Because that's what it is—a room for when doom comes.

Louie:These Irish and Italian laborers, they built this garage with their own two hands. Hardworking people, you know? Real Americans.

Louie:But nowadays? All these foreigners coming in, taking jobs. It's not the same anymore.

Nardo:Louie, do you know how much you spent on survival supplies?

Louie:How much?

Nardo:Three hundred dollars!

Louie:So? When that nuclear bomb goes off, I'm gonna be the only one left. And you know what I'm gonna be? A radioactive pretzel.

Louie:I need him to convince the black hordes I'm cool.

Jeff:Yeah, sure, Louie. I'll just tell them, 'Hey, fellas, Mr. De Palma says it's okay if you don't rob the garage tonight.'

Louie:You're gonna need me, Nardo. When the big one hits, you're gonna need shelter. And I got a nice little place in the basement.

Nardo:Louie, I can take care of myself.

Louie:Oh sure, sure. But when the earthquakes come and the buildings are crashing down all around you, you're gonna wish you had a nice, safe place. A place with strong walls. Where you could stay close to me. Real close. Just you and me in that basement, your pretty, dimpled cheeks pressed up against...

Nardo:Louie!

Louie:Yeah, it's disgusting. But you're not gonna forget it.

Nardo:Nothing would happen.

Nardo:Because nothing ever happens between us.

Nardo:And nothing ever will happen between us.

Nardo:Because we're not that kind of people.

Nardo:And even if we were that kind of people, nothing would still happen.

Nardo:Because nothing ever does.

Louie:Thinking of you? That's like stepping on a snail.

Iggy:I don't want to die.

Louie:Don't worry, you won't notice.

Louie:Alex, you can't work for the survival squad. You don't have what it takes to be a leader.

Alex:What do you mean? I'm perfectly capable of leading people.

Louie:That's not the point. The real problem is you breathe too much oxygen.

Louie:I need someone who's a combination of muscle and single-digit IQ.

Tony:Hey!

Louie:You're perfect.

Tony:Get out of here!

Tony:You know what, Louie? That actually sounds like fun.

Louie:It does?

Louie:It's got pictures.

Tony:Pictures?

Louie:Yeah, pictures. You know, little drawings?

Alex:Yeah?

Louie:Yeah!

Alex:Yeah?

Louie:Yeah!

Alex:Yeah?

Louie:YEAH!

Louie:Alright, listen up. We're gonna simulate a disaster. But not just one disaster. We're gonna do 'em all at once.

Louie:Picture this: A earthquake hits, right? But at the same time, a tornado touches down. And there's a flood. And a fire. All happening in this garage.

Louie:Plus, a swarm of locusts. And the power goes out. And somehow, a shark swims through here.

Louie:Now that's a disaster worth simulatin'.

Louie:An adorable little muppet begging for food? That's not a tragedy, that's a dinner and a show!

Louie:Golden ringlets, a hint of a lisp...

Louie:Starving little girl? I'd tell her to get a job.

Tony:You go down to the Army surplus store. You try on the uniform. You look in the mirror. You see yourself as you were twenty years ago. You start sweating. Your hands shake. You remember things you spent two decades trying to forget. You buy the uniform and leave without saying a word to the cashier.

Louie:Any questions about the survival drill?

Alex:Yeah, I got one. On Gilligan's Island, what was the name of the boat?

Louie:Say goodbye to the world. Say goodbye to your loved ones. This is it. The end is near.

Louie:Figure of speech.

Alex:Wait a minute... if this is humanity's last hope, we're in real trouble.

Louie:These are the finest legumes money can buy. High in protein, low in fat, packed with essential vitamins and minerals.

Louie:One bowl of these beans and you'll have the energy of a Olympic athlete, the mental clarity of a genius, and the complexion of a movie star.

Louie:I'm telling ya, these legumes are better than any multivitamin on the market. You eat these every day, you'll live to be a hundred.

Tony:Alright, let's count the votes. Ice cream... ice cream... ice cream... and Iggy votes for legumes.

Tony:That's four votes for ice cream, one for legumes. Ice cream wins!

Iggy:Wait, you counted my vote?

Tony:Sure, why not?

Jim:Casually reveals he's been secretly living there for days, treating it like a hotel

Louie:Jim's so dumb, he makes a rock look like a genius.

Louie:You know what? I got news for you people. We're the faculty of Harvard.

Jeff:I'll give Jim the lentils.

Louie:Tony, you gotta throw Jim out of here. It's a jungle out there!

Tony:What are you talking about, Louie?

Louie:It's not just a jungle, it's a concrete jungle. There are predators on every corner. Muggers, thieves, people who double-park!

Tony:So you think Jim should stay here?

Louie:Stay here? The man can't even cross the street without dodging buses, cabs, and yellow cabs driven by lunatics! Out there, it's madness, Tony. Pure madness. The weak don't survive. Only the strong, the cunning, the ruthless.

Louie:You're gonna have to fire Jim. I don't care if he's your best friend.

Tony:No, Louie. I'm not doing it.

Louie:You're telling me no? Me?

Tony:That's right. Jim stays.

Jim:Before you throw me out into that devastation, could I ask for one last thing?

Other Character:What is it?

Jim:A hug.

Tony:You know what the problem is with this drill? Nobody's actually afraid of a fire. They're all just afraid of missing their lunch break.

Alex:Well, that was Armageddonette.

Louie:You know what my problem was? I had a survival plan, it was foolproof. But then I got compassionate. Can you believe that? Me, compassionate. That's what did me in.

Louie:I've tried to be tough, I've tried to be ruthless, but I just can't do it. You know what I'd be after a nuclear war? A charcoal briquette.

Alex:You know, Louie, I've been thinking about what really matters in this world. It's not money or success. It's hope, it's compassion, it's treating people with dignity and respect.

Louie:Yeah, yeah, I wasn't listening. I was thinking about lunch.

Alex:You weren't listening?

Louie:Not a word. But whatever you said, it was beautiful. Really moved me.

Louie:That was beautiful, Alex. You know, you're alright for a guy who drives a cab.

Louie:Come here, you little weasel, and give me a hug!