Jim The Psychic

Latka:In my country, hockey players, they don't need padding. American hockey players, they wear all this padding, but in my country, no padding.

Tony:No padding? That's tough.

Latka:That's nothing. In my country, they don't wear clothes.

Tony:No clothes?

Latka:And no skates.

Tony:No skates? How do they play hockey without skates?

Latka:And no ice. Just gravel.

Tony:That's not hockey, that's insanity!

Tony:Not just no skates, but playing on gravel instead of ice

Latka:But Tony, is not stupid! Is true story! My cousin, he play hockey in Old Country, he fall through ice, but he okay because he wearing heavy coat!

Tony:Latka, that's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Latka:No, no, Tony! You not understand! The stupid thing is not the story — the stupid thing is the ice! The ice is stupid for breaking! My cousin, he not stupid. The coat, it not stupid. Only the ice is stupid!

Tony:Latka...

Latka:So you see, Tony, you say my story stupid, but really, only the ice is stupid. And if only the ice is stupid, then my story cannot be stupid, because my story is about stupid ice, not stupid story! So the stupid story is your story that my story is stupid!

Tony:I'm gonna knock you out.

Latka:Oh no, Tony, please don't hit me. I have a very weak stomach.

Tony:So?

Latka:And I'm very cute when I cry.

Latka:I win! I win! You see, I tell you to shut up, you tell me to shut up, but I tell you to shut up last, so I win the argument!

Latka:You know, Tony, I been thinking about this bet we made. I realize now that staying quiet for a week, it's not so easy for a man like me.

Tony:Latka, you lost the bet. You're supposed to be quiet.

Latka:Yes, yes, I know this. But Tony, I got so much to say! My feelings, they are very deep, you understand? A man cannot just keep everything inside for seven whole days.

Tony:That was the deal.

Latka:I know, I know! But Tony, you see, the bet it was not fair because nobody told me that being silent would be so difficult for someone with my personality and my culture. In my country, we express ourselves always!

Bobby:How you doing?

Jim:Well, that's a complex question. Let me think about that for a minute.

Jim:Physically, I'm doing okay. Emotionally, I'm a little confused. Financially, don't ask.

Jim:Spiritually, I'm searching. Mentally, I'm exhausted from answering this question.

Jim:So overall, I'd say I'm doing... fine.

Jim:I'm psychic.

Louie:You're psychic?

Jim:Yeah, I can read minds, see the future.

Bobby:That's amazing!

Jim:Well, I was worried about telling you guys. I didn't want to seem offbeat.

Tony:Offbeat? Jim, you're already the strangest person we know.

Jim:I had this dream last night about Alex. He was wearing a blue suit, standing in front of a building I'd never seen before. There was a woman with red hair next to him, and she kept laughing at something he said. Then a car pulled up—it was a '67 Cadillac, cherry red. The license plate had the numbers 3-4-7 on it.

Jim:And get this—there was a hot dog stand right across the street, and the vendor was wearing a Yankees cap. Backwards. Alex bought a hot dog with extra mustard, but no ketchup. The woman ordered a pretzel.

Jim:And the crazy part? Alex died.

Jim:The worst part is, it's actually a romantic fantasy most men would want.

Alex:Come on, my lady.

Jim:Very funny.

Louie:To you, he gave smarts. Banta's got muscle. Nardo's got knobs.

Louie:God gave me a special gift.

Louie:I can tell things about people just by looking at them.

Louie:Like, I can tell you're a woman. I can tell he's a man. I can tell that's a cab.

Louie:Jim seems simple, you know? I think God was having an off day when he made him.

Louie:Here, let me give you a blessing for protection.

Louie:May the spirits of the north, south, east, and west protect you. Abracadabra, hocus pocus, shazam!

Alex:Louie, what kind of blessing is that?

Louie:The best kind! Now you're blessed.

Bobby:I'm the sexy blonde.

Latka:...

Tony:What's wrong with you, Latka? Cat got your tongue?

Latka:*makes exaggerated zipping motion across lips, then pretends to swallow the key*

Alex:Is he okay?

Tony:He lost a bet. He's gotta stay quiet for a week.

Latka:*starts doing an elaborate charade, pantomiming driving a taxi, picking up passengers, then suddenly clutches chest and falls to the floor*

Tony:What is he doing now?

Alex:I think he's dying.

Latka:*jumps up and starts writing frantically in the air with an invisible pen, then points desperately at his mouth, shakes his head vigorously*

Tony:This is killing me more than it's killing him.

Latka:*climbs on a chair, dangles from the light fixture, swings back and forth while making silent screaming faces*

Jim:Alex, I want to treat you to an expensive dinner. I've saved up all my money from quitting drugs.

Alex:That's wonderful, Jim! How much have you saved?

Jim:$1.35

Bobby:Wait a minute. If Jim can see the future, how come he can't see what's right in front of him?

Woman:Oh, I'm so sorry! I fell right into you.

Alex:That's okay. We were expecting you.

Latka:Meeka meeka moo, meeka meeka moo.

Latka:Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow leather.

Latka:Unique New York, unique New York, you need New York, you knead New York.

Latka:So Bobby, how is your career going?

Bobby:It's going really well, actually.

Latka:Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

Louie:Taxi garage.

Louie:You think that's bad? I went out with a woman once who told me she had to leave early because she was coming down with something. You know what it turned out to be? A husband.

Alex:That's nothing, Louie. I once dated a woman who said she couldn't see me anymore because she was dying.

Louie:So?

Alex:She wasn't.

Phone caller:Is Mary there?

Alex:There's no Mary here.

Phone caller:Mary Ricoletti?

Alex:No, you've got the wrong number.

Phone caller:Is this 555-4782?

Alex:Yes, but there's no Mary here.

Phone caller:Oh, well you sound just like her!

Louie:Wait a minute... this is really happening. Alex actually looks like a girl!

Louie:Oh my God, the prediction was right!

Alex:You know what? I'm not going to worry about this prediction. I'm going to embrace it. And you want to know why? Because this ridiculous costume represents exactly how I've always lived my life.

Louie:Get outta here.

Alex:Superstitions are stupid.

Louie:You can't say that! That's bad luck!

Alex:Louie, superstitions aren't real.

Louie:I was about to apologize to you. Thank God I didn't. That was a close one.

Louie:What is that hideous thing?

Little Girl:Girl Scout cookies!

Louie:Oh thank God, I thought it was death.

Louie:A girl? You're telling me you went out with a girl like that?

Alex:What do you mean, 'a girl like that'?

Louie:I mean she's hideous! She's got a face like a mud fence!

Alex:Louie, that's my mother.

Louie:Your mother? I thought you said you went out with a girl!

Alex:I did. We went to dinner. She's my favorite girl in the whole world.

Jim:Alex? You're... you're a ghost!

Alex:I'm not a ghost, Jim.

Jim:No, no, it's okay. I can see right through you... well, not literally, but—look, you're walking around, you're talking. That's amazing for a ghost!

Alex:Jim, I'm alive.

Jim:And now you're contradicting me? Ghosts can do that? Boy, ghosts have really upgraded their skill set.

Jim:Okay, so you're a ghost. That explains a lot. But I gotta say, for a supernatural entity, you're remarkably ordinary. You complain about your feet hurting, you're worried about your electric bill, you keep asking me if I've seen your keys.

Jim:I expected chains, moaning, maybe some ectoplasm. Instead, you're just... regular. You're like the most boring haunting in history.