Alex and Elaine decide to take a vacation together through Europe. However, Alex feels it necessary to tell Elaine in no uncertain terms that they are going together as platonic friends, so there's no resentment if he meets and wants to spend time with any other ladies on vacation. Elaine agrees to this and they decide to do things mostly separately during the days, but to meet up once a day to write post cards together. During the trip, it turns out that Elaine is getting all the action, while Alex is lonely and unhappy. The last night, however, Elaine takes pity on Alex (more or less) and propositions him, suggesting that their friendship is strong enough to endure one night of ""love."" They then go off together...
Absurdist character comedy sustains a middling 73—forty gags lean on Danny DeVito's physical oddity more than setup.
Directed by Howard Storm · Written by Ken Estin
WAR
31.4
Wins Above Replacement
“Vienna Waits” ranks #89 of 114 Taxi episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 73.9 — Solid. The episode packs 40 scored jokes at 2.1 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.6 on impact, with Alex landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Alex: Well, actually, taxi driving is a very prestigious profession in New York. Very selective. They only take the best and the brightest.
Alex: In fact, I'm not just a taxi driver. I'm also a doctor.
Alex: A doctor of taxi driving. I have my PhD from the University of the Streets.
Alex: And I'm also a real doctor. I perform surgery. On cars.
Alex: Last week I saved a man's life. His transmission was failing, and I fixed it right there on the FDR Drive.
Alex: The Hippocratic Oath applies to both medicine and taxi cabs, you know.
Alex Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Alex: I went to Europe once. You know what I learned? There's a big difference between the Europe you see in the movies and the real Europe.
Alex: In the movies, you've got Venice at sunset, a beautiful woman, a gondola... In real Europe, you've got Venice at sunset, a beautiful woman, a gondola, and a guy named Bruno hitting you up for forty bucks.
Alex Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Alex: And then there was the monk in the monastery in Austria who broke his vow of silence for her.
Alex: He said, 'I love you,' but he said it in Portuguese.
Alex Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Alex: We could go to Paris, rent a small apartment, spend our days in cafés, our nights walking along the Seine...
Louie: Yeah, yeah, that sounds great.
Alex: We'd watch the sunset from Montmartre, share wine in candlelit restaurants, fall in love all over again...
Louie: Absolutely. It would be perfect.
Louie: BOBBY! Get your feet off my desk! And somebody tell Latka his hack is double-parked in front of a hydrant again!
Alex: And yet...
Tony: I want to show you Rome the way it was meant to be seen. The Sistine Chapel, just the way Michelangelo saw it.
Elaine: Without the ceiling painted?
Tony: Exactly.
Tony Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 40 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Louie: Europe? She's going to Europe? Nobody told me she was going to Europe. I'm the dispatcher here. I should be the first to know about these things.
Louie: Oh, so now I'm not important enough to be told in person? I gotta hear it from the rest of you bums?
Louie: Fine. FINE. You go to Europe, Elaine. Have a great time. Don't worry about Louie. I'll just be here, doing my job, thinking about how you didn't care enough to tell me yourself.
Louie Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Tony: I want to show you Rome the way it was meant to be seen. The Sistine Chapel, just the way Michelangelo saw it.
Elaine: Without the ceiling painted?
Tony: Exactly.
Tony Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Alex: I can't go to Europe with you, Elaine. You know why? Because you're especially attracted to me, and I don't want to take advantage of that.
Alex Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Alex: I mean, what if she thinks I'm just some American stud who's only interested in one thing?
Elaine: You know what would be the perfect vacation? Just lying on a beach somewhere, no responsibilities, no worries, just complete and total relaxation.
Alex: Yeah, and while you're lying there, your wife's gonna run off with a lifeguard, your kids are gonna forget who you are, and when you get back, you're gonna find out you've been fired.
Alex Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Alex: We could go to Paris, rent a small apartment, spend our days in cafés, our nights walking along the Seine...
Louie: Yeah, yeah, that sounds great.
Alex: We'd watch the sunset from Montmartre, share wine in candlelit restaurants, fall in love all over again...
Louie: Absolutely. It would be perfect.
Louie: BOBBY! Get your feet off my desk! And somebody tell Latka his hack is double-parked in front of a hydrant again!
Alex: And yet...
Unknown character: Can you speak French?
Alex Reiger: Just fine.
Unknown character: No, I mean can you speak French?
Alex Reiger: Just fine.
Alex: Only in a sort of stunning way.
Alex Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Alex: Hi, I'm Alex. Can I buy you a drink?
Woman: No, thank you.
Alex: Yeah, that's what I was afraid of. Do you know how far away I'm parked?
Alex Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Alex: Look, I know you don't want me to sit here, but I'm asking you as a man to a woman—just let me sit down for one minute.
Woman: No.
Alex: Okay, fine. I'm asking you as a human being to another human being.
Woman: No.
Alex: As a mammal to another mammal?
Woman: No.
Alex: Two carbon-based life forms sharing the same space?
Woman: This is mace! Back off!
Alex: That's not mace, that's breath spray.
Alex: Although, I gotta say, it still stings.
Elaine: So she said no?
Alex: Well, she said no, but I'm not giving up. I think there's still a chance.
Alex: I'm not that much older than you!
Todd: Alex, you're 12 years older than me.
Alex: So? My father was 15 years older than my mother.
Todd: Yeah, and look how that turned out.
Alex: What do you mean? They had a great marriage!
Todd: They got divorced.
Alex: See? The age difference had nothing to do with it. It was the murder.
Alex Escalation Character Comedy Alex: I'm not that much older than you, Todd.
Todd: Alex, you have a grandson.
Alex: Well, yes, but he's very mature for his age.
Todd: Hey, you know what? I'm gonna jog to Germany!
Elaine: Jog to Germany? Todd, that's insane.
Todd: Why not? I'm in great shape. I could totally do it.
Elaine Absurdist Character Comedy Alex: I was stuck on a train in Switzerland for three hours. Three hours! In America, we'd have a lawsuit.
Elaine: Alex, you're on a budget vacation. You're lucky they didn't make you push the train.
Alex: Look at this postcard from London. I'm gonna write: 'Greetings from England. We met the most delightful couple at our hotel—the Queen and the Duke of Edinburgh. Such a nice couple.'
Elaine: Alex, you can't just describe the Queen and the Duke as 'a nice couple we met at the hotel.'
Alex: Why not? That's exactly what they were.
James: So you're Alex. Nice to meet you.
James: You know what? I can already tell we're going to be great platonic friends.
James Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Alex: You want me to join you two on a romantic date?
Alex Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Alex: Yeah, I'm just gonna head out, maybe catch a movie, grab some drinks. You know, live a little.
James: Oh yeah, sure. Go ahead, you wild man. Live dangerously. Maybe you'll even stay out past ten o'clock.
Alex: I'm telling you, I've got the moves. Watch this.
Alex: Ow! Ow! My back!
Alex: I meant to do that.
Alex Physical/Slapstick Cringe/Discomfort Alex: What is all this? What's going on here?
Louie: It's a Greek wedding celebration! They're doing traditional dances!
Alex: Oh, that's nice. I love cultural—
Greek Man 1: OPA!
Alex: Ow! Watch it with that plate!
Greek Man 2: Come on, join in! Break a plate!
Alex: I don't think I—WHOA!
Louie: He got kicked in the shin.
Alex: Why does breaking plates require kicking people?!
Elaine: The Greek islands, Alex. The atmosphere, the romance, the bouzouki music drifting across the water at sunset...
Alex: That sounds great. Who's paying for this trip?
Elaine: Oh, don't be so practical.
Alex: You know, looking at these ancient ruins, I feel like I should clarify something.
Elaine: What's that?
Alex: We weren't responsible for this destruction.
Alex: Not my type? Elaine, you are operating under the assumption that I have a 'type.' I transcend such pedestrian categorizations. As Aristotle would say... well, actually, as I would say in the manner of Aristotle... 'The soul recognizes only the soul.' Oumas possesses a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain... ineffable quality that appeals to the higher faculties of my consciousness.
Alex Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Alex: Oh my God, there she is! Look at her... the way the light catches her hair, it's absolutely shimmering. The fabric of her dress, shimmering. Even her smile has this ethereal, shimmering quality to it.
Alex Character Comedy Escalation Alex: Well, actually, taxi driving is a very prestigious profession in New York. Very selective. They only take the best and the brightest.
Alex: In fact, I'm not just a taxi driver. I'm also a doctor.
Alex: A doctor of taxi driving. I have my PhD from the University of the Streets.
Alex: And I'm also a real doctor. I perform surgery. On cars.
Alex: Last week I saved a man's life. His transmission was failing, and I fixed it right there on the FDR Drive.
Alex: The Hippocratic Oath applies to both medicine and taxi cabs, you know.
Alex Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Alex: You know what's wrong with this world? Everyone's so concerned with material possessions, with money and status symbols. Nobody cares about what really matters anymore—art, culture, the human spirit!
Desiree: French.
Alex: Yeah, well, I'd rather be dead.
Alex Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Alex: Do you have meatloaf?
Waiter: No, sir. This is a Viennese restaurant.
Alex: Well, could you substitute the meatloaf for the parsley garnish?
Alex: I'll have the clear broth.
Waiter: Would you like parsley garnish?
Alex: No, could you substitute the meatloaf instead?
Elaine: I can loan you the money, Alex.
Alex: You'd do that for me?
Elaine: Of course.
Alex: You're a lifesaver. Thank you so much.
Alex: And then there was the monk in the monastery in Austria who broke his vow of silence for her.
Alex: He said, 'I love you,' but he said it in Portuguese.
Alex Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Elaine: Why would you think I haven't enjoyed Europe?
Alex: Well, you've been crying yourself to sleep every night.
Elaine: That's not because I'm unhappy with Europe, Alex. That's just my way of saying goodnight.
Elaine Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Alex: I went to Europe once. You know what I learned? There's a big difference between the Europe you see in the movies and the real Europe.
Alex: In the movies, you've got Venice at sunset, a beautiful woman, a gondola... In real Europe, you've got Venice at sunset, a beautiful woman, a gondola, and a guy named Bruno hitting you up for forty bucks.
Alex Observational Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Alex: I went to Paris expecting romance, you know? I thought I'd meet some beautiful French woman in a café, we'd fall in love...
Alex: Instead, I spent three days arguing with a waiter about my soup.
Alex Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Elaine: Alex, that's amazing! You solved it so fast!
Alex: Well, actually... I have a confession to make.
Alex: I didn't really solve it. I just peeled off the stickers and put them back the right way.
Elaine: You cheated?!
Alex: I prefer to think of it as creative problem-solving.
Alex: Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here. Actually, wish I were here.
Alex Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Callback Elaine: Four years I've known this person. Four years! And you know what I've learned? Nothing good.
Elaine: First year, I thought they were just quiet. Second year, I realized they were rude. Third year, I discovered they were cheap. And this year? This year I found out they're a liar, a cheat, and they have terrible taste in music.
Elaine Character Comedy Escalation Alex: You know, I've been thinking about my whole trip to Europe. All those romantic encounters, all those beautiful women, and nothing really worked out the way I hoped.
Alex: But you know what? I finally got what I wanted. I got a date with Elaine.
Elaine: Alex, we're just getting coffee.
Alex: I know. But it's a date.
Alex Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback