Mr Personalities

Tony:Carry the seven? Three sixty-five times two... carry the seven.

Tony:You think they're gonna let me in? I can't even add! What if they ask me on the application, 'What is two plus two?' I'm gonna write down five and they're gonna know right away I'm not college material.

Tony:Tommy, help me out here. What's 15 plus 7?

Tommy:22.

Tony:See, that's why you went to college.

Louie De Palma:Yeah, well one of his personalities owes me fifty bucks.

Alex:I don't believe in psychiatry. I believe in practical solutions to life's problems.

Alex:For instance, whenever I feel depressed, I just go take a shower.

Alex:If I'm still depressed after one shower, I take another one.

Alex:I've taken as many as fifteen showers in a day.

Elaine:What? It was a perfectly legitimate funeral. Do you know how many rubber duckies never get proper closure? They just sit in bathtubs, emotionally abandoned. At least my daughter's toy got to say goodbye to the world with dignity.

Alex:Are you finished with that?

Latka:Well now, partner, I'll tell ya - it's like when the buckaroo's been ridin' all day long, his horse is all tuckered out, the sun's beatin' down on his weathered brow, and he's got dust in places he didn't know he had places... that there's when you know you're finished, you see? Finished like a tumbleweed blowin' across the desert, finished like the last drop of whiskey in the saloon, finished like a cowpoke's dreams of strikin' gold in them there hills!

Louie De Palma:I'm giving up a lot of bad habits. I'm quitting smoking, I'm quitting drinking, I'm quitting gambling.

Louie De Palma:And I'm giving out your phone number.

Latka:What is this? Why I am dressed like a poop-kicker?

Alex:Latka, about your split personality disorder...

Latka:Was just a joke, man. I was pulling your leg the whole time.

Latka:Shut up, you idiot! He's lying!

Latka:No I'm not!

Latka:Yes you are!

Latka:This is a stick-up! Reach for the sky or I'll pump you full of... bullets? No wait, that doesn't make sense. If you reach for the sky, how can I pump you full of bullets?

Latka:You're already reaching for the sky, so you can't reach for anything else!

Therapist:Latka, why are you crying so hard? What trauma are you reliving?

Latka:Is not trauma... is Prince Charles and Lady Di wedding. Was so beautiful, I cannot help myself!

Doctor:Tell me about your childhood.

Latka:Well, we were very poor. So poor, my father, he had to share his shoes with my mother. He wear them on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. She wear them on Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. On Sunday, nobody go nowhere.

Latka:The 'improvement' was simply moving indoors

Vic Tayback:What's with all this western stuff? The saddle, the wanted posters...

Dr. Matthau:It helps patients relax. Creates a calming environment.

Vic Tayback:Calming? This looks like it came from the clearance bin at Sears.

Vic:A psychiatrist? You mean like a head shrinker?

Psychiatrist:Yes, I help people with their emotional problems.

Vic:Well, I got problems alright. I'm gonna need 'I'm OK, You're OK... at High Noon.'

Vic:This guy, he's like a donut.

Psychiatrist:A donut?

Vic:Yeah, all soft on the outside, but completely hollow in the middle.

Doctor:Can I speak with Uncle Bobka?

Latka:No, he's dead.

Latka:My Uncle Bobka, he raise me like his own son. Every day he take me to the woods, tie me to a tree, and we play a game.

Latka:He hide, and I try to find him before the bears do.

Doctor:I can see how terrible that must have been for you.

Latka:Yes, but you know, it wasn't all bad. My father, he beat me every day, but at least I knew he cared.

Doctor:You're a taxi driver?

Alex:Yes, I drive a taxi. So what? Is something wrong with that? I am a professional driver. I take pride in my work. Many people, they depend on me to get them where they need to go safely. This is honest work.

Dr. Jeffries:He reminds me of you.

Alex:Me? What do you mean?

Dr. Jeffries:I mean Latka has become you.

Tony:I gotta take this college aptitude test.

Tony:Aptitude? What's that, like algebra?

Louie:No, Tony. Aptitude means your ability to learn things.

Tony:Oh. So I gotta study aptitude? Like, how many chapters is that?

Tony:Hey, you know what was printed under my picture in my high school yearbook?

Tony:"Not everyone should go to college."

Alex:You'd be perfect as a boxing referee, Tony. You'd stand in the middle of the ring, you'd separate the fighters when they clinch, you'd count when someone goes down, you'd make sure they follow the rules.

Tony:That sounds like a lot of work.

Alex:It's actually very simple. You never have to throw a punch.

Louie:Alex, you had a great night! You made a lot of money for this cab.

Alex:Well, I tried my best.

Louie:You know what it was? That mental breakdown you had. Customers love it. Keep it up!

Alex:Louie, what's your opinion of humanity?

Louie:Humanity? It's terrible. People are selfish, dishonest, and cruel.

Alex:Well, that's a pretty dim view.

Louie:It's realistic.

Alex:I suppose you'd know — you're not really part of it anyway.

Alex:What do you think about humanity, Louie?

Louie:The human race? It's funnier than you, Reiger.

Alex Rieger:A penny for your thoughts?

Unknown character:A penny? In this economy? Make it a nickel.

Dispatcher:We need Alex on the radio.

Alex Reiger:This is Alex.

Dispatcher:No, the OTHER Alex.

Alex Rieger:Wait, there's another Alex?

Louie:Yeah, Alex from accounting called in sick.

Elaine:So which Alex is picking up the fare?

Tony:The Alex that's here!

Bobby:But WHICH Alex is here?

Latka:Alex, I have something to say to you. You are my best friend, and I want to show you how much you mean to me.

Latka:I have written you a poem. Would you like to hear it?

Alex:A poem? Latka, that's... that's really sweet.

Latka:Your eyes are like the stars in the night sky. Your smile warms my heart like the sun. You are the most wonderful friend a man could have.

Alex:Latka, I... I don't know what to say. That's beautiful.

Latka:And now I will sing you a song I wrote.

Alex:Wait, wait, wait. Latka, this is incredible. Why can't I ever think of stuff like this? Why can't I be this romantic, this thoughtful?

Latka:Is easy, Alex. You have no personality.

Alex:Wait a minute. Latka's doing my job better than I am. He's more organized, more efficient, and the passengers actually like him.

Alex:He's better at being a taxi driver than I am.

Alex:He's better at being me than I am.

Alex:Oh my God. What if he's better at everything I do?

Alex:What if I'm just... not good at being me?

Louie:What are you talking about? Those aren't the odds. The odds of that happening are 10,000 to 1.

Alex:Dr. Jeffries, I'm very worried about Latka. He seems to be getting worse.

Dr. Jeffries:Worse? Alex, this is wonderful! Do you know how rare his condition is? I'm thinking of publishing a paper. 'A Case Study in Acute Dissociative Episodes.' It could make my career!

Alex:But what about Latka?

Dr. Jeffries:What about him? He's fine. Well, he's not fine, but he's fascinating!

Alex:Well, doctor, if Latka needs therapy too, we'll have to work something out. I mean, I get Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. He can have Tuesdays and Thursdays. We'll split Saturday.

Doctor:Mr. Rieger, that's not how therapy works.

Alex:Look, I paid for this hour. If he wants in, he's gotta buy his own time slot or we timeshare it like a condo.

Alex:My daughter, she's so affectionate with me. You know why? Because she didn't inherit my looks.

Doctor:Are you self-conscious about your nose?

Alex:Self-conscious? I'm not self-conscious about my nose. I'm conscious about my nose. I'm very conscious about my nose. I'm acutely, painfully, excruciatingly conscious about my nose.

Alex:You know, I've been thinking about my relationship with existence, and I realized something profound. We're all just... passengers in a taxi we didn't call, going to a destination we don't understand, with a driver who won't tell us the fare.

Alex:I've figured it all out. The answer to everything is—

Latka:Oh, hello, everyone! Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, everything that's wonderful is what I've been told!

Latka:I find these tickets in my pocket. I don't remember putting them there.

Latka:Someone must have put them there without me knowing.

Latka:That's not a pickpocket... that's a putpocket!