Tonys Sister And Jim

You want me to fan you? I don't think so, Louie. You see, I left my palm leaf back at the hut this morning.

Go ahead. Make it racial right away.

Now, you know that I'm not the kind of mother who comes in with boring stories about her kids, right? [Everyone enthusiastically agrees]

Oh, I forgot. We're only allowed to talk about hangovers and the Jets.

Hey, did you see the Jet game this weekend? No. I was hung over.

You know, when I was five and a half and I was just so high and I was so cute, you could eat me up alive... Wait, wait, wait. You're telling me a kid story about yourself? Yes, because you know, I am a bachelor. I am the only kid I've got.

Bobby, I'd rather you wouldn't. Why not? Well, I mean, if you had a sister you wouldn't want a guy like you to meet her, would ya?

Oh, yeah, I'll hang around the back till she leaves.

I doubt she's even a virgin anymore.

I want you to know I thought about it and it's okay with me if you want to go to bed with Monica.

I better warn you, this might lead to dinner.

I'm beginning to get a crush on myself here.

Listen, who are you fooling? I would marry the wench.

A big nose and a Green Card.

I don't allow no family get-togethers in my garage. Well, I just want to talk to him for two minutes. Give me a buck.

One was good-looking, one was smart, and one was you.

Well, meow.

Oh, I'm in luck... a human being.

Well, do you know that you and I are forbidden to love? It's a shame, it's a big shame. Because we would have made beautiful babies together.

I never thought I'd say this, but don't go away.

I was born there.

It's been a long time since I've seen a dress from Spokane.

Smooth, Iggy. Real smooth.

Except for the gong. You mean the gonnnnng? Yeah. You know it.

[Extended Vivaldi humming duet between Jim and Monica]

No Vivaldi in the garage.

One of these days I got to get it together and go to the symphony. I'm pretty sure New York has one.

Well, you don't have to tag along. Maybe we could go together. Huh... I just got a rush.

In fact, at one point Alex said, 'I can't get a pause in edgewise.'

Ah! What an icebreaker.

Your husband was your type. An Electrolux salesman with every allergy in the book who painted turtles for relaxation. You know, you always make so much of that one time he painted the turtle.

We all got our faults. I'm messy around the house. You fall for garbage.

The last girl Jim went out with lived in a forest and ate bark.

No, it doesn't have anything to do with wooden shoes.

Is this the bill already?

We can't have dinner together. Why not? I don't know. You didn't go into it.

My face grows hair very fast. I shave, and it seems like only a matter of days before it's back.

I don't have much hair on my body at all. Compared to my face, my skin is like a smooth baby pumpkin.

I didn't mean to talk erotic.

No. I just learned what I should order. Took me all day.

The hard part was phoning all over town trying to find a restaurant that serves that.

You're turning my head.

When I think of me, I smile, too. We're both thinking of me.

Thanks, Tony. I do feel a little better.

You don't think enough of me to go to bed with my sister.

Of course, we have a lot of room here. We'll need a bathroom schedule.

It's Chicago '68 all over again.

Well, my shorts are riding a little high. Otherwise...

We're on threads of hope, trying to weave us a basket.

No, I bat about .500. That's all right, honey. I don't get 'em all, either.

And I think I've learned the most important thing of all: I love being lifted.