Louie Bumps Into An Old Lady

Janine:You mean you'd actually take time out of your busy schedule to mentor me?

Louie:For you, sweetheart, I'd make the time.

Janine:Well, how could I possibly turn down an offer like that? A chance to be alone with Louie De Pesto, the man who makes women swoon wherever he goes.

Tony:Training? What kind of training?

Bobby:Yeah, Louie, what are you gonna teach her?

Tony:How to appreciate a guy who smells like cheap cigars and broken dreams?

Bobby:I think we all know what kind of 'training' this is.

Louie:What are you talking about? I'm a gentleman. I treat women with respect and dignity.

Janine:Louie, you just grabbed my—

Louie:Shh, shh, shh. A gentleman doesn't discuss such things. Now, how about we go back to my place? I promise I'll be a perfect gentleman.

Louie:I've been driving a cab for twenty years. I know every street in this city, every passenger, every situation.

Tony:That's great, Louie. How many times did you have to take third grade to learn all that?

Alex:We should treat Louie like a misbehaving dog.

Louie:What? A dog?

Alex:Yeah. When he misbehaves, you ignore him. No attention, no reward.

Louie:That's insulting!

Alex:It works on dogs, Louie.

Elaine:Louie, women have rights now. Sexism went out of style.

Louie:When?

Elaine:Last Tuesday.

Tony:Louie won't teach you to drive because he can't see your legs from his chair.

Jim:But that's perfect! He can't see my legs anyway, so how would he know if I'm doing it wrong?

Jim:You know Janine, when you're driving in heavy traffic, keep a pencil on your dashboard.

Janine:Why would I do that?

Jim:Because when the traffic gets really bad, you can watch the pencil slither across the dashboard. It's a good way to know how much you're swerving.

Janine:That's the most useless driving tip I've ever heard.

Jim:I've got the perfect solution to the pencil problem.

Jim:I'm just gonna staple it to my head.

Louie:What old lady? I didn't run over no old lady!

Louie:And if I did, there's no proof. Nobody got pictures, right?

Elaine:So Louie's been spending time with her?

Tony:Yeah, he visits her every day.

Elaine:That's sweet.

Latka:Sweet? The woman is already suffering!

Alex:Sue him for his eyeballs?

Louie:Yeah, that'll teach him.

Louie:Welcome to the Sunshine Cab Company, where safety is our number one priority.

Louie:Now if you'll excuse me, I need to move my cab. I think I just ran over a customer.

Louie:She's gonna be fine. The doctor said she just needs rest. In a few weeks, she'll be back to her old self.

Bobby:That's great news, Louie.

Louie:Yeah. The doc said the worst is over. She's not doddering anymore.

Louie:Watch your step there, Mrs. Bailehaus. These floors can be slippery. We don't want any accidents.

Edith:A little late for that concern, isn't it, Mr. De Palma?

Louie:Oh, thank you, Alex. Thank you for killing the conversation.

Louie:These are the finest drivers in the city, Edith. I handpicked every one of them.

Jim:Hey Louie, do you think it's possible to teach a chicken to yodel?

Edith:I don't know about the jelly beans.

Jim:Well, that's okay. We're trying to find out if people can actually taste the difference between red and pink jelly beans. It's very important research.

Louie:You know, Jim, I feel sorry for you. You're less fortunate than the rest of us.

Edith:Your mother passed away?

Louie:No, no, she's just napping.

Edith:You know, Louie, you've been such a good friend to me. We've had some wonderful times together.

Louie:Aw, Edith, that means a lot coming from you.

Edith:Of course, I'm still going to sue you for a million dollars, but other than that, you're a real pal.

Louie De Palma:I gotta pay for everything around here. The gas, the maintenance, the insurance, the registration, the inspections, the permits, the licenses, the tolls, the parking tickets, the traffic citations, the vehicle impound fees, the administrative surcharges, the equipment upgrades, the radio repairs, the seat replacements, the floor mats, the air fresheners, the wash and wax, the tire rotations, the oil changes, the filter replacements, the battery terminals, the alternator brushes, the spark plugs, the distributor caps, the fuel injector cleanings, the transmission fluid flushes, the coolant refills, the brake pad replacements, the rotor resurfacing, the suspension alignments, the shock absorber installations, the windshield wipers, the headlight bulbs, the taillight bulbs, the interior light bulbs, the cigarette lighter element, the horn replacements, the bumper repairs, the fender touch-ups, the door hinge lubrication, the lock cylinder replacements, and the overall deterioration of my will to live.

Louie:Let's see... twenty thousand dollars divided by... carry the one... at twenty bucks a week...

Louie:That's... that's... oh my God.

Louie:I'll be dead. I'll be long dead.

Tony:Two hundred years? That's not so bad. My father owed money for three hundred years, and he turned out fine.

Alex:Yeah, well, you're not alone.

Louie:I need a lawyer, but I can't afford much. Let me check the ads here...

Louie:Here's one: 'Injured? We'll fight for you! Reasonable rates.' That sounds good.

Louie:Wait, there's a guarantee here. It says 'We guarantee you'll stay out of jail... at least until the trial.'

Alex:You know, with her track record, I'd say Edith's got the kind of luck where the odds are she'll be hit by a cab next month too. She's not accident-prone, she's cab-prone. At this point, I'm surprised the insurance company doesn't just bill her monthly instead of waiting for the incidents.

Louie:I didn't hit her! I wouldn't hit a woman!

Louie:You gotta help me find Bergmeyer. You're the only one who can do it.

Alex:Why me?

Louie:Because you're so good at tracking people down. You've got that nose for it - like a bloodhound. A really persistent, annoying bloodhound that won't leave you alone.

Alex:You just insulted my nose and now you want me to help you? What is it with you, Louie? Do you think that's charm?

Louie:Hey Alex, I need a favor.

Alex:What is it, Louie?

Louie:I need you to do something for me, and you're gonna hate it.

Alex:Well, that's a great way to ask for help. You just told me I'm gonna hate it before you even asked.

Louie:So?

Alex:So? Louie, that's like saying, 'I have some really bad news for you.' You've already lost me.

Bobby:So you went to court for drug charges?

Jim:No, I went to court for drugs. I'm not charged, I'm a regular customer.

Bobby:We could pick up some legal secretaries.

Tony:Legal secretaries? What's the age of consent got to do with it?

Tom:Yeah, sure it is. And last week you had a herniated disc from lifting a feather.

Tom:The week before that, you couldn't move your neck because you sneezed too hard.

Tom:Edith, your injuries have better plot twists than a Hitchcock movie.

Tom:Well, I'll be damned. A real injury.

Jim:Louie, I gotta tell you something before I forget.

Jim:...What was I gonna say?

Alex:Bergmeyer's reaction was immediate. He literally recoiled—like his body was rejecting the very idea of helping Louie.

Louie:What's wrong with that?

Alex:Nothing. It's just... universal.

Alex:Bergmeyer said the old lady taking your money is justice being served.

Louie:Justice? What justice? I never did nothing to that old lady!

Alex:He said it's justice for all the times you've cheated passengers.

Louie:That's different! That's business!

Louie:What deal? I don't know nothing about no deal!

Alex:Louie, you just promised me—

Louie:And another thing, Reiger — that nose of yours could pick up HBO!

Louie:I'll cross-examine her myself. How hard can it be? I watch TV.

Louie:Alright, Ms. Edith, isn't it true that on the night of the incident, you were wearing a blue dress?

Edith:It was green.

Louie:Exactly! You're already confused. The jury will see right through you.

Louie:See? She's faking! Watch this!

Louie:Oh no... oh no no no... EDITH?!

Edith:LOUIEEEEE!

Louie:I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!

Louie:What? What'd I do? She wanted to go down the stairs!

Alex:Louie, she's in a wheelchair!

Louie:So? Wheelchairs have wheels, don't they?

Alex:Did anyone see where she landed?

Tony:I saw her hit the sidewalk three blocks away.

Louie:Your Honor, as you can see, I have successfully demonstrated to the jury the dangers of sudden, unexpected violence. I move that all charges against my client be dismissed.

Bobby:That judge was really mad, huh?

Louie:Mad? He tried to take a swing at me!

Bobby:No!

Louie:Yeah, I had to duck. The guy nearly clocked me right there in the courtroom.