Bobby And The Critic

I didn't know ham could keep that long under hot lights.

Have you ever met, or do you know, anybody who's ever won one of those contests?

I do. Who? Me. I have won. I have a match. I won a complete men's wardrobe.

No, no. A fly swatter.

No, he was a good worker and a very nice man.

who got her cat's head stuck in her mouth?

[Awkward silence and topic change after Jim's bizarre story]

A 30-millimeter cannon fired at the stage during production could not hit anything worth saving.

Hey, I'd like to see that. What time do they shoot off the cannon?

it should henceforth be a felony to yell 'Patty Ganzel' in a crowded theater.

'Slime wad' is two words.

Purple. Not as close.

Fate.

Did the lady get the cat's head out of her mouth?

Well, I know a cat and a lady who care plenty.

Louie, how could you?

This fortress... He's going to get in. No way. This is hermetically sealed, this cage.

Hey, Bobby, it's your agent. My agent's calling me?! Okay, okay, Louie, you stay right there.

Now I'm a hero and great-looking.

Oh, God. Bing.

Hey, Bob, that was... A disaster. No, Bobby. The play stinks. I stink.

I don't know why everybody say it is too long and boring. You know, I enjoyed it and to me, I think it was just right. Well, there's a second act coming up, Latka. Not for me, there isn't.

Ha! You crazy guy. Charles Darwin, eh? Loony!

Yeah, I guess it feels that way, huh? No, Darwin is 40 years older in Act Two.

Uh, Jim, why don't you just keep it?

I mean, in that second act, you were sweating like a pig. I've never, never, never seen anybody sweat like that. That's what I call talent.

Mr. Carbuncle? My name's Jim Ignatowski.

Is he the playwright?

Are you insane? That play is an excellent argument for dying young.

you can keep on acting in church basements and supermarket openings, and your own mirror

No review will keep you anonymous and you can keep on acting in church basements and supermarket openings, and your own mirror for the rest of your life.

Thank you.

Right, and you thought you stunk!