Friends

Louie:So this guy goes to the dentist, right? He's got this problem. The dentist says, 'I'm gonna have to pull some teeth.' The guy says, 'Doc, you don't understand my problem.'

Louie:My wife, it's like pulling teeth with her, if you know what I mean.

Louie:The dentist says, 'Yeah, I think I do.'

Latka:So the joke... it help with my problem?

Louie:What? No, no. I was just bustin' your chops, pal. Wasting time. That's what I do.

Latka:Yakabye? Yakabye?! Oh no, oh no! We must find yakabye!

Latka:Is very serious emergency! Where is yakabye? Who has seen yakabye?

Latka:Okay, everyone! Yakabye drill! This is not a practice! Everyone to your stations!

Louie:Latka, what are you talking about?

Latka:Yakabye drill! You know, like fire drill! We do this every day now. Very important for safety!

Tony:Latka, yakabye isn't a real emergency procedure.

Latka:Not real? Not real?! You want to wait until real yakabye happens? Then what? Too late! Everyone line up! We practice the yakabye evacuation!

Tony:I never want to see her again.

Tony:She could beat me up in boxing.

Alex:Come on, Latka, come watch the game at my place.

Latka:No, no, Alex. I watch the game at home on my TV.

Alex:It's the same thing, Latka. You watch it at my place, it's the same game.

Latka:No, no, is different. At home, I watch TV at home. At your place, I watch TV at your place. Is not the same.

Alex:You're fighting the New Hampshire state champion? That's impressive.

Tony:Yeah, well, there are only three middleweights in the entire state.

Alex:Three? That's a pathetic dynasty.

Alex:A dynasty? Three guys punching each other isn't a dynasty, it's a bar fight.

Tony:I bought this fish with the prize money from my first big win.

Tony:My big win only paid three dollars.

Latka:Thank you, Louie. You know, people, they call me 'cheap' and 'mean' and 'cruel' and 'nasty,' but you... you are not like that.

Louie:Well, thank you, Latka.

Latka:No, no, no. I'm saying... they call you cheap and mean and cruel and nasty too!

Alex:Beer and toast? That's a meal?

Bobby:It's got carbohydrates and alcohol. It's balanced.

Alex:By what standard? A frat house?

Latka:I'm watching my babas instead of carbs.

Bobby:I went out with Dominique last night.

Bobby:She had to choose between me and Warren Beatty.

Bobby:She chose me.

Latka:Football is very confusing to me. The Giants, they should be bigger. The Eagles, they should have feathers. And the Dolphins, they should be in the water!

Latka:You know, I never understand American sports. The New York Knicks - all the players, they are black. But the name, 'Knicks' - this is not a black name. In my country, we would call them the New York Blacks, or the New York Tall Ones. But Knicks? This makes no sense.

Alex:Tony, you've got a lot of friends supporting you here.

Bobby:Yeah, I count at least twelve people.

Alex:Twelve? I count fifteen.

Tony:Wait, which is it?

Bobby:Now I'm getting twenty.

Alex:I just recounted — it's nine.

Tony:You guys are killing me here.

Bobby:Okay, okay, let me be systematic about this. One, two, three... I lost count.

Alex:Just last count I got was thirty-seven.

Latka:In my country, we don't have instant replay. If you miss a play, we just make the players do it again.

Bobby:The fish is dead.

Alex:You were supposed to feed it.

Bobby:I did feed it.

Latka:You fed it what?

Bobby:Food.

Bobby:I didn't kill the fish! It was already dead when I got here.

Bobby:Actually, I think it committed suicide. It was depressed about the tank being too small.

Bobby:Wait, no - it was a murder-suicide. The fish killed itself because it couldn't live with what it had done to the other fish.

Bobby:Or maybe... maybe the fish was a hitman, and this was a contract killing that went wrong. The fish got in over its head with the mob.

Bobby:You know what? The fish is fine. It's just resting. Fish do that. It's sleeping.

Louie:Hey Tony, your mother called. She said to tell you she's very disappointed in you.

Tony:I bought my fish a little castle while I was away.

Tony:They're dead.

Tony:These fish, they're not just fish to me. They're like... they're like my friends, you know? Every day I come in, I talk to them, I feed them, I watch them swim around. There's a connection there, a real connection.

Tony:But you know what? That's life, man. That's the whole thing about survival. You gotta keep swimming, keep moving forward, no matter what.

Tony:How'd my fish look yesterday?

Alex:Peaceful. Very peaceful.

Tony:Peaceful? What do you mean peaceful?

Alex:I mean he looked... at rest. Serene. Like he didn't have a care in the world.

Tony:Alex, what happened to my fish?

Alex:He's dead, Tony.

Bobby:Look, I found replacements! They're practically identical to the ones we lost.

Louie:Bobby, those aren't even the same species.

Bobby:Well, they're both fish, aren't they? In this light, who can tell the difference?

Tony:Where's my fish? The original ones?

Louie:They're in there, Tony.

Tony:No, they're not. These aren't the same fish. My fish had... character. These fish, they got no personality.

Louie:Tony, fish don't have personality.

Tony:My fish did.

Bobby:Tony, I have to tell you something. I... I killed your fish.

Tony:You what?

Bobby:I forgot to feed it. For like a week. I'm really sorry.

Tony:Bobby, that fish was a gift from my mother.

Bobby:I know, I know. I feel terrible. I don't know what else to say.

Bobby:They passed away peacefully in their sleep.

Tony:You killed my fish!

Bobby:Wait, wait! Not the face! I have an audition tomorrow!

Louie:Booked? The only thing Bobby ever books is a table at the fish market - under the name 'Smell.'

Louie:Hey Tony, wait! I got a guy who'll do a beautiful funeral service. Only fifty bucks.

Tony:Louie, my fish just died!

Louie:Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Fifty bucks, very tasteful, little urn, flowers...

Tony:I don't want a funeral for my fish!

Louie:Okay, okay, forty bucks then. Final offer.

Louie:You know, I've been keeping an exact count of the rejections. Tony's turned down 47 people today.

Alex:Tony, Bobby's been your best friend for twenty years. Don't you think you owe it to him to at least try to work things out?

Tony:Alex, I don't know...

Alex:Think about it this way — if you were a dead fish, wouldn't you want your friends to stick together?

Tony:What are you talking about, a dead fish?

Alex:Well, you're both acting dead in the water. At least a dead fish doesn't have the chance to fix its friendships. You do.

Tony:Even people he hates treat him better than his best friend.

Tony:You know what they say about a dog's life? Well, this fish is about to have a much shorter one.

Tony:I'm gonna destroy this shirt. I'm gonna rip it to shreds!

Bobby:No! Not my shirt! That's my most prized possession!

Tony:Well, guess what? This shirt is stolen. It's mine. I've been looking for this for years.

Tony:I couldn't destroy it because the shirt is part of me, and if I destroy the shirt, I destroy myself. But if I destroy myself, the shirt survives. So by not destroying the shirt, I preserve myself, which preserves the shirt, which preserves me.

Tony:Hey Bobby, I got some bad news. Your fish... he didn't make it.

Bobby:What? Mr. Whiskers is dead?

Tony:Yeah, sorry. Mr. Whiskers... he's gone.

Bobby:His name was Mr. Bubbles!

Tony:Oh, well, Mr. Bubbles is still dead.

Bobby:It's Mr. BUBBLES, Tony! How could you get that wrong?

Tony:You're telling me you named the fish Bobby?

Bobby:What's wrong with that? It's a good name!

Alex:Tony's right. You can't name a fish after a person. It's confusing.

Bobby:Fine, fine. I'll rename it.

Tony:Thank you. What are you going to call it?

Bobby:Bob.

Bobby:I promise I'll be more reliable from now on. You can count on me.

Bobby:Actually, never mind. Dominique just called. I gotta go.

Bobby:You know, a man's only as good as his word. If you make a commitment, you keep it. That's what separates us from the animals. That's what makes a man dependable, reliable, trustworthy.

Bobby:Hey fellas, you wanna grab a drink?

Tony:Still tries to feed the taxidermied fish

Bobby:I want to thank my best friend Tony for helping me with this mounted fish presentation.

Tony:Best friend? After everything?

Bobby:That's right, Tony. You're my best friend.