Louie Sees The Light

Louie:There is one word I never want to hear in this garage. One word that will get you fired on the spot.

Louie:I don't care if the building is burning down around us. I don't care if there's a meteor headed for Earth.

Louie:You will never, EVER say this word to me. Do you understand?

Goodwin:What word is it, Louie?

Louie:Accident.

Louie:Listen to me. You guys can do whatever you want - rob, steal, deal drugs, murder - I don't care. But you have an accident in one of my cabs, you're fired!

Louie:You report an accident, you're gonna have a real problem. I'm gonna take a blowtorch and weld your head to the steering wheel. Then I'm gonna remove all the gears from your transmission and make you swallow them one by one.

Louie:Yeah, I got it figured out. Nobody wants to ride with you because you're too nice. You smile, you're polite, you actually know where you're going. Passengers hate that!

Louie:You're fired, Bobby. Look at that face - you couldn't sell a ride to someone who's lost in the desert. And these earnings? Pathetically small. Pathetically small!

Louie:A doctor? For what? I'm fine. It's just a little pain in my chest, my left arm is numb, I can't catch my breath, and I see spots in front of my eyes. That's nothing!

Louie:You know what, Bobby? I was too harsh on you before.

Bobby:Really, Louie? That means a lot.

Louie:Yeah. From now on, I'm gonna break both your legs.

Louie:Dear Friends, I may not survive this operation. If I don't, I want you to know that you've meant everything to me. You've been my family, my reason for living. I love each and every one of you.

Tony:It's just a hernia, Louie.

Louie:A hernia today, a coffin tomorrow!

Louie:I was born at home. Never been in a hospital in my life.

Louie:My mother delivered me herself. In the kitchen. On a Tuesday.

Louie:There was a full moon that night. A doctor wasn't needed.

Louie:My father was in the other room playing cards. He didn't even know I was born until Wednesday.

Louie:So the wife goes into labor, right? We're at the hospital, the doctor says 'It's time!' And I'm sitting there in the waiting room with a pastrami sandwich.

Louie:The nurse comes running out: 'Mr. DePalma, you have a son!' And I say, 'That's nice, bring me some mustard.'

Louie:My wife's screaming, the doctors are yelling, the baby's coming, and I'm finishing my cole slaw. Priorities, you know?

Louie:My mother thinks I'm watching you box.

Tony:Well, aren't you?

Louie:No, you're losing to a guy who doesn't even exist.

Louie:Natural things? I only eat natural things. Just yesterday I had a bowl of dirt.

Louie:Jim, you ate all my chocolates!

Jim:I didn't eat your chocolates, Louie.

Louie:There's chocolate all over your face!

Jim:Oh, that? I was fixing the candy machine in the garage. I got chocolate on me from working on it.

Louie:Alex, I want to discuss life, death, and God.

Alex:I'll get my coat.

Louie:Come on, bow your head. We're gonna say a little prayer.

Alex:Louie, I don't think—

Louie:Shh! Bow your head.

Louie:Dear Lord, this is my friend Alex. Alex, this is the Lord.

Louie:Now shake hands and get to know each other. I'll be in the kitchen.

Alex:Well, God, Louie is... he's a man of many talents. He's resourceful, he's determined, he's got a certain... charm about him.

Alex:But he's also petty, he's vindictive, he's cheap, and he treats people badly.

Alex:However, deep down, I think there's a good person in there somewhere. You just have to dig really, really deep.

Louie:God, if you want me to do this, give me a sign. Send me lightning.

Louie:Okay, I guess it's fine with you.

Louie:If I die, don't tell my mother.

Alex:What do you mean, don't tell your mother? Of course I'll tell your mother.

Louie:No, no, Alex. My mother's not well. She can't take the shock.

Alex:Louie, how long do you think you can hide it from her?

Louie:Oh, I don't know... a couple of weeks?

Tony:Wait a minute. If they took out one of his gallstones, how is he gonna reproduce?

Bobby:Come on, Alex. What's the worst that could happen? God's busy. He's not gonna notice one little bet.

Alex:No, no, no. Louie made a promise to God. We can't bet against that.

Bobby:Alright, alright. Tell you what - I'll give you three-to-one odds.

Alex:You're on!

John:Louie, I had the worst night ever for bookings. Nobody wanted to go anywhere.

Louie:So? You think I care about money?

Louie:You bring those kids down to the garage, we'll teach them the value of hard work, discipline, and respect for their elders.

Louie:We'll show them that life is about being honest, treating people right, and always doing the decent thing.

Louie:They'll learn that money isn't everything, and that a man's word is his bond.

Jim:You're a real humanitarian, Louie.

Louie:Thank you, Jim. I do what I can.

Latka:My cousin, he tells me a joke in the old country language. Very funny joke.

Latka:*laughs alone* Ah! Ah! Very funny! You see, in my country, this is hilarious!

Latka:You no laugh? You must hear this one already!

Bobby:Louie, I gotta tell you something. I've been dreading this all day.

Louie:What is it, Bobby?

Bobby:I... I said the word. The forbidden word you banned.

Louie:You didn't.

Bobby:I did. I'm sorry. I said... *cockroach*.

Louie:An accident? Oh, that's too bad.

Bobby:It wasn't somebody else's fault. It was my fault.

Bobby:I was speeding.

Bobby:I wasn't paying attention.

Bobby:I was drinking.

Bobby:I was driving on the wrong side of the road.

Bobby:I didn't have a license.

Bobby:I was driving a stolen car.

Bobby:I was just testing you, Louie. There was no accident.

Louie:You were... testing me?

Louie:Wait a minute...

Louie:You mean to tell me I got all worked up over nothing?

Louie:I actually showed concern... for someone else?

Louie:You mean to tell me you've been lying to me this whole time? About everything?

Louie:Do you have any idea what I've been betting on? My money, my reputation, my sanity!

Louie:I was betting against the odds that you people were actually honest for once in your miserable lives.

Louie:Alright, here's your winnings. One, two, three, four, five...

Louie:Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty...

Louie:One hundred, two hundred, three hundred...

Louie:One thousand! TWO thousand! THREE thousand!

Louie:FOUR THOUSAND! FIVE THOUSAND! SIX THOUSAND!

Louie De Palma:You know what? I've had it! I've been nice, I've been patient, I've smiled through all your incompetence and stupidity! But no more! You're all a bunch of no-good, lazy, bottom-feeding, two-bit losers who couldn't find your way out of a paper bag if it had an exit sign on it! And another thing—you stink! You all stink! Your breath stinks, your attitudes stink, your cab-driving stinks! I wouldn't trust any of you to parallel park a bicycle! Now get out of my sight before I really lose my temper!

Louie:You better watch yourself, Bobby. You mess with me, I'll make sure every cab you drive is filthy. I'm talking dirt, grime, mud—I'll personally go out there and dirty them myself just to get back at you.

Louie:Bobby will be the second most miserable driver.

Louie:And if you help him, you'll be the most miserable.

Alex:Well, what did you expect? You made a promise to Louie.

Louie:You believe in hell?

Alex:Yeah, I work there. It's called a garage.

Louie:God is waiting outside for me.

Louie:He's got his sleeves rolled up, he's bouncing on his toes, he's ready to rumble.

Alex:You didn't break your promise, Louie. You're just reverting to your natural state.

Louie:My natural state?

Alex:Yeah. Maybe that's what God intended.

Alex:God created different creatures for different purposes. The lion for courage, the owl for wisdom, the ant for industry...

Alex:And Louie, he created as a punishment to the rest of us.

Louie:Hey, thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Louie:Where am I going? I'm not going back to that garage. I'm embarking on a grand adventure, a noble quest to return to my sacred post as dispatcher of the Yellow Cab Company!

Louie:I'm not clocking in - I'm answering the call of destiny itself!