Art Work

Unknown Character:How do you know you can't lose on a fight bet?

Tony:The only sure bet is if I'm fighting.

Latka:I'm betting on the horses?

Latka:The dogs?

Latka:The cock fighting?

Latka:The badminton?

Alex:Well, if I were Latka, I'd probably say something like: 'Oh, is very simple! In my country, we have saying: when life gives you problem, you make problem go away with big stick!' And then I'd look confused about why everyone is laughing.

Alex:I know people who actually talk that way.

Louie:No, no, no. I got a rule. I never bet with a guy who's got a losing record. And I never bet with a guy who knows a guy with a losing record. And I never bet with a guy who's ever been in the same room as a guy who knows a guy with a losing record.

Louie:Iggy, get these bums outta here!

Tony:Johnson's gonna win, I'm telling you. It's a sure thing.

Alex:Tony, both fighters are named Johnson.

Tony:We got two fighters with the same name. So no matter who wins, we win!

Louie:That doesn't make any sense.

Tony:Sure it does. If one of them wins, we got a winner named that. If the other one wins, we still got a winner with that name. It's a sure thing!

Louie:Tony, those are fifty-fifty odds on any fight.

Tony:Yeah, but this is a sure thing!

Louie:Alright, listen up. I'm gonna need to know every flight you people are taking. Every single one.

Louie:I'm gonna have my secretary mark 'em all down, and I'm gonna make damn sure I'm on a different plane. Different airline if I can help it.

Alex:Don't. Don't say it.

Elaine:I wasn't going to say anything.

Alex:I can see it written all over your face.

Elaine:Say what?

Alex:'I told you so.' I know. You told me so. You were right, I was wrong. Just... don't say it out loud.

Elaine:You know, I've been watching you guys, and I've noticed something. Every time you say something's a 'sure thing,' it's not.

Tony:Art? You want to invest in art? That's a good idea. You know, I had a cousin once, he invested in a painter.

Tony:The guy's name was Giuseppe. Every week, my cousin would go down to the track, you know, and he'd bet on Giuseppe.

Tony:Giuseppe was a beautiful painter. Fast. Real fast. The guy could paint a whole room in like an hour and a half.

Tony:But then one day, Giuseppe, he gets injured. Fell off a ladder. Never painted again. My cousin lost a fortune.

Alex:You know, Elaine, I'm starting to think you don't actually know anything about art.

Elaine:What? I know plenty about art!

Alex:Really? Because a real art expert would jump at the chance to help someone invest. The fact that you keep refusing makes me think you're not as knowledgeable as you claim.

Elaine:Fine! I'll help you!

Bobby:Come on, Elaine, give the guy a chance. What's the worst that could happen? You go out with him, you have a terrible time, and you never see him again. It's not like you're duffin' to lose!

Jim:How do I know that? I don't even like poetry.

Elaine:Well, his paintings will be worth a lot more when he... dies.

Louie:So how's he doing? The artist guy?

Louie:Is he gonna make it?

Louie:How much longer we talking here?

Louie:You know, if he's really suffering, we could always make it look like an accident.

Louie:You know what I'm investing in? Art. Fine art. It's a sure thing.

Louie:See, you buy a painting from some artist, and you just wait. Wait for what? For the artist to die. And when they die, the painting's worth ten times what you paid for it.

Louie:It's foolproof. You can't lose. Either the artist dies and you make a fortune, or they keep living and you break even. Either way, we win.

Bobby:I got an idea. Let's vote on it. All in favor of including Louie, spit on his shoes.

Louie:Privacy? Of course, you got it. I'm gonna go in my office, close the door, put on my headphones, turn up the radio real loud. You won't hear a peep outta me. I guarantee it.

Louie:Of course, I'll have the door open just a crack so I can hear if anybody needs me. And I'll position myself right here by the filing cabinet where I can see through the crack. And maybe I'll use this little mirror to get a better angle.

Tony:Privacy? Louie, you wouldn't know privacy if it moved in with you and paid half the rent.

Latka:I contribute 50,000 drachmas.

Alex:That translates to nothing in American money.

Jim:I can buy and sell you, Latka.

Latka:With what? You only have eighteen dollars!

Jim:Well, I could buy you for ten and sell you for fifteen.

Louie:You better vote for me, Jim.

Jim:Or what?

Louie:Or I'll tell everyone about that time you cried at the movie.

Bobby:This is incredible. I've never felt anything like this before. The colors, the composition... it's speaking to my soul.

Bobby:This artist really understands the human condition. This piece is worth thousands, maybe tens of thousands.

Gallery Employee:Actually, those are fifty-cent prints from a clearance bin.

Bobby:Oh.

Bobby:This is amazing! I'm looking at real masterpieces!

Elaine:Well, not exactly. They're copies.

Bobby:Copies? You mean these aren't originals?

Elaine:No, they're cheap reproductions from a department store.

Bobby:Oh.

Elaine:Where's Latka?

Alex:He said he wouldn't come back until he fixed that car.

Elaine:Well, he's here.

Alex:He fixed it?

Latka:I fixed it.

Alex:What's that?

Latka:I don't know.

Elaine:There's something wrong with cab 643. What is this part?

Latka:I don't know.

Elaine:Well, that's the problem!

Jim:We're the same tie size.

Louie:What's the title of this painting?

Artist:It doesn't have one.

Louie:No title? How much is it?

Artist:Five hundred dollars.

Louie:Five hundred? For a painting with no title? That's like buying a car with no name. You gotta charge extra for a title — that's a service!

Tony:There's only one seat left up front.

Louie:Then somebody's gonna have to give it up.

Tony:Who?

Louie:Whoever's in it.

Tony:Hey, Louie, how'd you get the front seat?

Louie:I told the guy if he didn't move, I'd break his legs.

Tony:That's beautiful, Louie. That's real beautiful.

Louie:I own a nursing home.

Other Character:That sounds like a legitimate investment.

Louie:Yeah, well, I own the building. The patients are paying me to let them stay there, but I don't actually provide any care or services. I just collect the money and let them fend for themselves.

Louie:You know what my problem is? These old people, they eat too much. So I figure, I serve them the same thing every day, but I tell them it's different. Monday it's chicken, Tuesday I tell them it's veal, Wednesday it's turkey. They can't remember anyway!

Alex:That's a great way to build character, Louie.

Jim:I know her! I know that woman!

Auctioneer:You do?

Jim:Yeah, she owes me money!

Tony:Look at that! It's hideous!

Bobby:Absolutely terrible. What were we thinking?

Louie:This is the worst painting I've ever seen in my life!

Tony:We paid good money for this garbage!

Bobby:I can't believe we thought this was art.

Louie:Nobody in their right mind would buy this thing!

Louie:Garbage!

Louie:$100!

Louie:Me? I'm not the problem here. You're the problem. You're up there with your little hammer, thinking you're so important, banging away like you own the place. Well, let me tell you something, pal — I've seen a lot of auctioneers in my day, and you're by far the loudest one.

Louie:You think you're smart, huh? You outbid me? I got news for you, pal. You keep this up, you're gonna end up in a nursing home. And I know people. I'll make sure they serve you prune juice for every meal.

Louie:I lost the auction! Me! Louie De Palma! To some Park Avenue penthouse dweller with more money than sense!

Louie:These rich people, they don't know the value of a dollar. They just throw money around like it grows on trees!

Louie:I worked hard for every nickel I got. Blood, sweat, and tears! And some trust fund baby waltz in and outbids me like it's nothing!

Louie:They got their fancy schools, their fancy clothes, their fancy everything. What do I got? This! A dispatcher's booth and a bad ulcer!

Louie:The system's rigged, I tell ya. Rigged against the working man. Against guys like me who came up from nothing!

Louie:And don't even get me started on their manners. Their etiquette. Their... their stupid monogrammed handkerchiefs!

Tony:Wait a minute! He died? Why didn't anybody tell me? I could've made a fortune!

Louie:You know what my problem is? I'm surrounded by losers. If these guys had been in World War II, we would've lost to the Germans.

Louie:I'm gonna buy some classy art. Show people I'm not a slob.

Louie:I'll get one of those Vincent Van Patten paintings.