Fantasy Borough 1

Tony:A celebrity? That's someone who went to school with someone famous.

Tony:You're not gonna believe who I just picked up! This is huge! Come on, guess who it is!

Tony:No, no, bigger than that! This is a real A-list celebrity!

Tony:Give up? It was... uh... you know, that guy. That famous guy. What's his name?

Latka:Boss... BOSS... Bawwwws... Boss?

Latka:Boss!

Latka:So, you like it?

Alex:Yeah, it's great, Latka. Almost as good as Tony's impersonation of Frank Sinatra.

Louie:What's wrong with you? You jealous of Tony meeting some celebrity?

Alex:No, Louie, I was just making a joke.

Louie:A joke? About being jealous? That ain't funny, Rieger. That's pathetic.

Latka:In my country, we have very popular show. Main character, he say to his wife, 'One of these days, Alice, one of these days... POW! Right in the kisser!'

Latka:Is very famous show in my country. The Drofnikis.

Latka:One of these days, Alice, one of these days, pow, right in the kisser!

Louie:Tony's not dumb at boxing. He's bad at boxing AND dumb in general.

Tony:G.O.S.G. Conference? What's that?

Eric Sevareid:It's a very important international summit on global issues.

Tony:Oh, you mean 'Guys On Some Golf' Conference?

Tony:You know, I've been trying to read some of that intellectual stuff you're always talking about. But I gotta be honest with you - thinking hurts my head.

Tony:You know what they should do? Instead of sending their countries to war, let the leaders fight each other. One on one.

Tony:Carter versus Castro. Let me tell you something - Castro's got about fifty pounds on him, he's got a reach advantage. But Carter, he's got speed, he's got youth on his side.

Tony:I'm telling you, Castro takes him in the third round.

Sevareid:What's your solution to world hunger?

Tony:Well, I figure if the President just threw a big dinner party at the White House every night, and invited a different country each time, everybody'd get fed.

Sevareid:Tony, that's... that's not how it works.

Tony:Why not? Free food, free entertainment. Problem solved.

Sevareid:You know, Tony, you have a very unique perspective on things.

Tony:Thank you. You know, I think you do too.

Tony:Can I bring a date?

Tony:Yeah, I'll debate 'em. I'll take on anybody. These intellectuals, they think they're so smart with their books and their theories. But you know what? I got something they don't got.

Tony:Common sense. Street smarts. I'll eat these guys alive.

Tony:We're gonna kick butt in this debate.

Sevareid:Indeed, we shall vanquish our opponents with intellectual rigor and rhetorical prowess.

Louie:So what do you think Tony fantasizes about?

Tony:I don't know, Louie. What do you think?

Louie:Well, knowing you, Tony... you probably fantasize about having a brain.

Tony:Really?

Louie:Yeah. That's how stupid you are, Tony. You fantasize about things normal people have.

Latka:In my fantasy, I am the boss. I say to my employee, 'You are a chip off the old block!' But I say it wrong. I say, 'You are a chip off the old... chicken!'

Latka:Everyone laughs. I am very clever boss.

Latka:Louie! You went to the bathroom? Again?

Louie:What? I gotta go sometimes.

Latka:Once a day is excessive!

Latka:You're fired, Louie!

Louie:What? You can't fire me!

Latka:Not only are you fired, you're banned from the garage!

Louie:This is outrageous!

Latka:And you're sentenced to death by firing squad.

Louie:A last cigarette? Sure, I'll take it.

Alex:Louie, you realize you're not actually being executed, right?

Latka:And then I say to Louie, 'You're fired!'

Louie:What?!

Latka:You heard me, Louie. You're—

Tony:I'm going to return these photos to the star.

Louie:You're bringing photos to a celebrity? They probably have someone who does that.

Tony:What do you mean?

Louie:I mean, they probably have a whole staff. A photo returner, a photo organizer, a guy who just stands around looking at photos.

Tony:Louie...

Louie:These people are rich, Tony. They got a guy whose only job is to decide which photos are worth keeping. And another guy whose only job is to tell the first guy he's doing a great job.

Louie:Nice?! You had a celebrity in your cab and you were nice?! Do you know how much you could've charged? Do you understand what a goldmine you had?!

Louie:Tony, you're killing me. You're actually killing me here.

Tony:I'm gonna do my Hervé Villechaize impression for Hervé Villechaize!

Alex:Don't do that impression of Mrs. Sunshine.

Elaine:Why not? You're laughing.

Alex:I'm not laughing at the impression. I'm laughing at how much trouble you're going to be in when she hears about it.

Bobby:Bobby Wheeler's fantasy as a famous singer performing 'City Boy'

Louie:Bobby, Bobby, please... just acknowledge me. Remember when we were kids? Remember?

Bobby:That'll be twenty bucks.

Louie:What?

Bobby:You want me to remember you? Twenty bucks. I don't do nostalgia for free.

Bobby:You know, I'll never forget my humble beginnings here at this garage.

Tony:Bobby, you drove a cab here for like two weeks.

Bobby:Yes, and now look at me. I've transcended all of this.

Louie:Hey Bobby, tell everyone you know me.

Bobby:That'll be fifty bucks.

Louie:Here's your fee. Now you have to admit you know me.

Bobby:I never saw you before in my life.

Bobby:That'll be a dollar.

Louie:A dollar? For what?

Bobby:For acknowledging you exist.

Louie:You're crazy!

Bobby:That'll be two dollars now.

Louie:Wait, wait... here. Here's a dollar. Just... just acknowledge me, okay?

Bobby:You exist.

Louie:Thank you.

Jim:Why do they want me?

Aliens:We appreciate your complete detachment from societal ambitions.

Alien:We want Jim because of his deliberate ignorance of current events.

Aliens:Aliens: 'You're wearing every piece of clothing you own.'

Jim:You know, I've been thinking about how people react when I talk to them.

Jim:They either nod politely and walk away, or they stare at me like I'm speaking in tongues.

Jim:I'm beginning to think my words have a special power over people.

Taxi Dispatcher/Other:The power to clear a room, Jim.

Jim Ignatowski:You know, when you really think about it, everything is miraculous. Like, why is there something instead of nothing? And why do we have five fingers instead of four? Or six? It's all so beautiful and strange.

Alien:I have catalogued all of Earth's life forms and their characteristics. I have observed your species' capacity for logic, reason, and complex thought. But there is one trait that stands above all others—one that defines humanity at its core.

Jim:What's that?

Alien:Your childlike wonder. Your ability to look at the world with fresh eyes, to find magic in simple things, to ask 'why?' without cynicism. It is the source of all your art, your innovation, your hope.

Jim:Gee, that's nice.

Jim:Oh, that's nice. Well, I gotta get back to the garage. I got a cab waiting.

Jim:Well, that's nice. You want some coffee?

Jim:You know, for an advanced civilization, you'd think you'd invest in a decent tailor.

Jim:You know, you guys look really funny.

Latka:So I do this impression, see? Like this: 'Dahhling, ze plane! Ze plane!'

Herve Villechaize:That's... that's my accent.

Latka:Yeah, I know. That's why I'm doing it for you.

Herve Villechaize:But now I'm just standing here watching you make fun of how I talk.

Latka:Is... is it working?

Herve Villechaize:Listen here, the big guy, you've been nothing but obnoxious since you walked in here.

Louie:Disgusting.