Going Home

Jim:Is the fuzz still here?

Louie:The only fuzz around here is on your brain.

Jim:I've just been in the bathroom.

Jim:It was the seventies.

Jim:Say 'Ignatowski' backwards.

Reverend Jim:ItskcowgnI.

Jim:Never mind.

Jim:Look at this handwriting. It's like trying to decipher an alien language. I can't read a single word!

Jim:You didn't intrude. I didn't hear you come in.

Jim:My brothers Little Joe and Hoss are coming to visit.

Unknown character:Jim, those are characters from Bonanza.

Jim:Oh yeah, right. Well, my real brothers are coming to visit then.

Jim:It's terrible to forget the kind of people you come from.

Jim:That's why I call my father every week and hang up on him. Keeps me connected to my roots.

Jim:Hey, who wants to come with me to the hardware store?

Bobby:Not me.

Elaine:I can't.

Tony:No thanks.

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Guys, guys! One at a time! There's only room for one of you!

Jim:Ten? You all picked ten? What are the odds? That's incredible! What a coincidence!

Bobby:Jim, you were thinking of three.

Jim:I know, but still—ten? All of you? That's got to be one in a million!

Louie:You have a father? I thought you reproduced asexually!

Elaine:That's the butler.

Jim:My father?

Elaine:No, the butler.

Jim:Well, I don't care about the job anyway.

Tom:Hi, I'm Tom. Jim's brother. Or at least I was until he moved to New York.

Jim:This is my sister Lila. Lila, this is Tom.

Lila:Nice to meet you, Tom.

Tom:Nice to meet you too.

Jim:So Tom-Jim, what do you think of my sister?

Tom:It's just Tom.

Jim:Right, Tom-Jim.

Lila:Want some meatloaf?

Alex:Jim, I've seen your family. I understand now. Please, I'm begging you—whatever it takes, just don't let them reproduce.

Jim:I don't remember my mother much.

Jim:But I do remember her white gloves. She wore them everywhere. Even to the grocery store.

Jim:My nanny used to call me Miss Scarlett.

Alex:That's from Gone with the Wind.

Jim:Yeah, I know.

Jim:What's the difference? It's all the same thing anyway. We're all just floating through space on a rock.

Alex:Jim, that's a movie plot.

Jim:Exactly my point.

Jim:You could be anybody's father.

Jim:Dad! It's so good to see you after all these years.

Jim:You've lost your hair.

Jim:Dad, I've been meaning to talk to you about something serious. About our past, about us.

Father:Finally. I've wanted to have this conversation for years.

Jim:Yeah, well, you know what I've been thinking about? That toupee you're wearing. When did you start losing your hair?

Father:Jim, that's not what I wanted to—

Jim:Because I'm telling you, it doesn't look natural. You should try a different piece. Maybe something with more volume.

Alex:You know, baldness can be very distinguished. A lot of distinguished-looking men are bald.

Jim:Yeah, my father's a distinguished-looking man. He's also a fat man.

Jim's Father:I'm the same size I was when you left.

Jim:Dad, that's not possible. Everyone in this family was overweight.

Jim's Father:Wrong numbers? All these years, you've been calling wrong numbers?

Jim:Yeah, I kept getting disconnected or someone else would answer...

Jim's Father:So we've been estranged because of wrong numbers. Wrong numbers! Do you know what the odds are?

Jim:Pretty high, I guess.

Jim's Father:We've wasted years. Years! And it was just... a wrong number.

Jim's Father:Your toys are still in your room. Well, except for the airplane glue.

Jim:What happened to it?

Jim's Father:You used it all.

Jim:I don't love my brother.

Alex:What? Why not?

Jim:Because he's almost as fat as my dad.

Carl:Well, we're having roast chicken, mashed potatoes, string beans...

Carl:But absolutely no parsnips.

Lila:Would you like some food?

Jim's Father:Cheap? This is cheap? Look at this place! The crystal, the linens, the waiters in their tuxedos! And you call offering food cheap?

Jim:Well, it's a legitimate medium. Picasso used it.

Father:Picasso didn't go to Harvard.

Jim:No, but he probably would have if they'd let him use finger paint.

Jim:Don't make it sound so terrible.

Father:I'm just stating the facts. You dropped out of college, you're driving a cab, you live in a single room, you have no savings, no prospects, and no girlfriend.

Jim:Well, when you say it like that... I dropped out of college, I'm driving a cab, I live in a single room, I have no savings, no prospects, and no girlfriend. See? Sounds great!

Father:What do you feel?

Jim:I feel... nauseous.

Jim's Father:Jim, I'm cutting you off. You're getting nothing. Not a penny. You're disinherited.

Jim:That's okay, Dad. I wasn't counting on it anyway.

Jim:See, Alex, I came home because I was contemplating the nature of existence and—

Alex:Jim, you said you'd be back by nine.

Jim:But that's exactly my point! What is nine? A number, sure, but who decided? And more importantly, why do we call a banana a banana?

Alex:Because that's its name?

Jim:But why THAT name? Why not call it a yellow stick? Or a curve-pod? Think about it—the apple doesn't look like its name at all!

Alex:Jim, you're not making any sense.

Jim:That's because sense is a construct, Alex! An orange is called an orange, but what if we called oranges 'apples' and apples 'oranges'? Would the fruit taste different? Would we BE different?

Alex:You're late. That's different.

Father:You really don't care about the money?

Jim:No, give it to my brother.

Father:Your brother? Which one?

Jim:I can't remember his name.

Jim's Father:Jim, come home. Get yourself a proper education, live a normal life like your brothers and sisters.

Jim:No thanks, Pop. I'm doing fine here.

Jim's Father:But son, this is your chance. A real future.

Jim:I said no.

Jim:Alex, when my father calls, make sure you get the right number this time.

Alex:What do you mean?

Jim:Well, the last time he called, you gave him the wrong number and he ended up at a pizza place.