Travels With My Dad

If this phone rings... Let someone else answer it. / It doesn't matter, as long as it's not you.

You think you can handle that? / With my eyes closed.

You're the kid from Lassie!

You were passed out on the floor.

I'm working on a very important assignment for the boss.

Whew! I did it.

I've been on a boat for three long, lonely months. / That's okay, I understand. / Oh, great. Uh, once.

What would you have done? / I'd have screamed. / Uh-uh. It would've fallen in your mouth.

I don't know. I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was gone.

I don't think that would make a movie. / You don't? / No, maybe something for television.

Gee, oh, I'm glad I didn't think of that.

Pea Brain Senior.

Back off, Banta. There's no tellin' what parasites you got crawling on you.

Did you fall overboard, or are you coming to get the barnacles scraped off your butt?

We'd trade him for that spider in a minute.

I just came in to have the barnacles scraped off my butt. / Oh, no, Dad, what happened?

It's not funny. / You had to be here. / You'd have roared.

I don't know, but it's laminated.

It's like being in prison with a chance of drowning.

I've got to mark this on my calendar... 'The Day Banta was Dumbfounded.'

Ever since I was five... till I was 11.

I just learned how to use my Mr. Coffee.

That's my father, Alex. You don't say no to your father.

Of course, on my first trip, I fed the fish from here to Fiji.

Would you kill me?

It's also going to look a lot like the international date line you made me get up to see.

What the hell are you looking at?

Some of those squid are 150 feet long. I've heard tell of them dragging a man down screaming into the sea.

That's the way I'm starting to feel about women.

I also think about fresh produce. / Boy, what I wouldn't give for a nice, fresh, crispy head of lettuce right now.

That is, if you fall in love with her first.

Six hours.

I might've even understood. / No kidding? / Hmm. / You're telling me.

You're telling me.

I don't even know what a sea chantey is. / It's a song about the sea. / 'New York, New York'? / Perfect.

New York, New York? Perfect.

Perfect.

No, that comes later. What's the matter with you? / No, no, we did vagabond shoes.

There's nothing floating in my drink.

But I tell you, I never thought I could make 'hell of a sailor.'

I ain't good enough to drink with you? / I suppose nobody here's good enough to drink with him.

I didn't graduate. / Oh, good.

This is better than Brooklyn.

You know how I know when I've had too much to drink? / When's that? / I always wind up in a tattoo parlor.

So tonight, I want you to cut me off before I... uh-oh. We're in a tattoo parlor.

Go live in a cave?

If we sober up, we won't do it.