Travels With My Dad

Louie:Iggy, I'm giving you a very important responsibility.

Iggy:Yeah? What is it, Louie?

Louie:I want you to do absolutely nothing.

Iggy:Nothing? That's it?

Louie:That's it. And don't screw it up.

Louie:Can you handle not answering the phone?

Iggy:I can do nothing with my eyes closed.

Jim:Wait, wait. Angie... Angie. Do I know you from somewhere?

Angie:Well, we've met a few times at the garage.

Jim:No, no, that's not it. Oh! You're that woman from Captain Kangaroo!

Angie:What? No!

Angie:He was unconscious drunk.

Jim:No thanks, Angie. I'm on an assignment.

Angie:What kind of assignment?

Jim:I'm not supposed to answer the phone.

Angie:Who gave you that assignment?

Jim:My mother. She said, 'Don't answer the phone, it might be a bill collector.' So I'm not answering it.

Jim:I did it! I finally did it!

Jim:I answered the phone before it rang.

Elaine:Oh, well go ahead.

Angie:Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

Elaine:I'd scream.

Angie:That's what I'm afraid of. You scream, the spider gets scared, he bites you.

Elaine:So what do I do?

Angie:You smile. The spider thinks you're friendly, he crawls off.

Angie:So what happened with the spider?

Tony:Well, I was sitting there, staring at it, getting more and more nervous...

Tony:My heart was pounding, my palms were sweating, I couldn't move...

Angie:And then?

Tony:I fell asleep.

Alex:A movie? Well, that's very kind of you to say, Angie. But let's be honest — it's more of a TV movie.

Angie:What's the difference?

Alex:About forty million dollars.

Alex:You know, there could have been more spiders crawling on my face.

Angie:Oh my God, I wasn't even thinking about that!

Louie:Hey Angie, how's Tony doing? Still as dumb as ever?

Angie:What's that supposed to mean?

Louie:I mean, you married him, didn't you? That says everything.

Angie:Hi, Louie!

Louie:Get away from me, you parasite! You're always hanging around here trying to mooch off me!

Louie:You know what you are, Angie? You're like the hull of a ship—crusty, full of barnacles, and nobody wants to scrape you!

Angie:You know, Louie really makes this job fun.

Alex:Fun? I'd take a dangerous spider over Louie any day.

Tony:What brings my dad to town?

Angie:He came to see what a bum you turned out to be.

Tony:He came to see what a bum I turned out to be?

Tony:That joke isn't funny.

Angie:You would have loved it if you were here.

Tony:Hey, look at this! They laminated it! You see how nice and shiny it is? This is quality work. They don't make permits like this anymore.

Angie:It's like living in a closet with a man who smells like fish and thinks he's Columbus.

Tony:I'm dumbfounded by this sudden opportunity.

Louie:Tony, speechless? This is a historic event. Someone call the newspapers!

Tony:I always wanted to be a merchant seaman.

Tony:For about twenty minutes when I was eight.

Tony:I can't leave. I finally got this coffee maker working.

Alex:You should learn to say no, Tony.

Tony:No.

Angie:Oh, he'll get used to it. Most people do pretty quick.

Angie:When I was on a boat once, I was sick for three weeks.

Angie:Course, that was a different kind of boat.

Angie:Let me know if you have any misgivings.

Tony:Kill me now.

Angie:We're crossing the equator! Can you believe it? This is so exciting!

Tony:Yeah, just like when we crossed it last year.

Angie:Tony, look! There's something in the water!

Tony:What? Where? That better not be another one of your 'sightings.' Last time you made us stop for a floating coconut!

Angie:No, seriously, I see something out there!

Tony:It's debris, Angie. Probably a log or garbage. Not everything in the ocean is a sea monster or a message from the universe!

Tony:Giant squid? Come on, there's no such thing as a giant squid.

Angie:No such thing? Tony, I've seen them. I've seen their tentacles wrap around a ship like they're playing with a toy. Their eyes are the size of dinner plates, just staring at you with this cold, dead intelligence. And the suckers on those tentacles — they leave marks on the hull big enough to drive a truck through.

Tony:So you believe in the giant squid because nobody's ever proven it doesn't exist?

Tony:Well, by that logic, I believe there's a woman out there who actually enjoys my company.

Angie:You know what I think about besides women? Lettuce. I'm serious! I dream about lettuce. I wake up at three in the morning thinking about crisp, cool, fresh lettuce. It's all I can think about sometimes.

Angie:You could sleep with women in every port.

Tony:Really?

Angie:Sure, as long as you're married to me.

Tony:How long will we be in port?

Angie:Three days.

Tony:Three days? That's not enough time!

Angie:Enough time for what?

Tony:To fall in love with you and break your heart.

Tony:I would understand if my father had been unfaithful.

Angie:Oh, Tony... I wish you hadn't said that.

Tony:We should have had these talks long ago.

Angie:Yeah, we should have.

Fergie:A sea chantey? That's a song sailors sing while they're working on the ship, right?

Tony:Yeah, that's right.

Fergie:Oh! Like 'What shall we do with a drunken sailor'?

Tony:Exactly.

Fergie:Man, those guys really knew how to party.

Tony:Sea chanteys are all about rum, women, and sailing.

Fergie:What about 'New York, New York'?

Tony:New York, New York? That's perfect! That's a great sea chantey!

Tony:Come on, let's sing together. I'll teach you the old songs.

Angie:Okay, Dad. Which one?

Tony:Santa Lucia. Ready? When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.

Angie:Dad, that's not Santa Lucia. That's 'That's Amore.'

Tony:What do you mean? Of course it's Santa Lucia!

Angie:No, it's not! Santa Lucia is completely different.

Tony:You think you know better than me? I'm Sicilian! I know my own songs!

Angie:Dad, just because you're Sicilian doesn't mean you know every Italian song!

Tony:I like Singapore bar.

Tony:You know, any place where they don't check if you're on parole, that's a good bar.

Angie:You're a hell of a sailor, Tony.

Tony:You think so? Maybe I should go for 'excellent sailor.' That's the next level up.

Drunk:You looking at me? You looking at me?

Tony:No, I'm not looking at you.

Drunk:Well, somebody's looking at me!

Angie:We're all looking at you now.

Drunk:That's right! All of you! Every one of you!

Angie:Tony, I feel terrible about missing your graduation.

Tony:Don't worry about it.

Angie:But I wanted to be there for you.

Tony:There's nothing to worry about. There was no graduation.

Angie:What do you mean there was no graduation?

Tony:I didn't graduate.

Angie:Oh, thank God!

Tony:You know what? I'll take this bar fight any day over going back to Brooklyn.

Tony:At least here nobody knows my mother.

Tony:Every time I drink, I wake up with a new tattoo. I've got so many now, I look like a biker bar threw up on me.

Tony:Cut me off before I do something stupid.

Tattoo Artist:You mean like getting a tattoo?

Tony:Yeah, exactly. Just don't let me—

Tattoo Artist:You're already in the chair, pal.

Tony:What if I fall in love with someone else? I'm gonna have to get her name tattooed right over it. By the time I'm thirty, my chest is gonna look like a roadmap of my life.

Angie:Should we sober up before we get tattoos?

Tony:No, no. If we sober up, we'll realize what a stupid idea this is.