Jim And The Kid

Louie:Do you like baseball?

Terry:Yeah, I like baseball.

Louie:Do you like going to the movies?

Terry:Yeah, I like going to the movies.

Louie:Do you like jail?

Terry:What? No!

Louie:Oh, then you won't mind if I call the cops.

Louie:You're as dumb as Banta.

Louie:Sure, I called the cops on him. The kid was making noise at 2 in the morning. You know what I did? I called the police.

Louie:First I tried talking to him. That didn't work. Then I tried the rack. That didn't work either.

Louie:So I moved on to the iron maiden, the stocks, and the pillory. Nothing worked.

Louie:Finally, I called the cops. And that's when he stopped.

Jim:Now, the key to a good card trick is misdirection. You have to make them look where you want them to look.

Jim:Once you master that, you can move on to the next level: making them look where they're not even thinking about looking.

Jim:Eventually, you won't need cards at all. You'll just stand there, and they'll see whatever card you're thinking of.

Jim:Finally, you transcend the physical plane entirely. The cards become one with the universe, and you become the cards.

Jim:I use it for parallel parking.

Jim:You know, if my mother hadn't brought me back home that day when I ran away, I might've turned out completely different. I could've been a bum on the street, a drifter, a lost soul wandering the city with nothing to my name.

Jim:Instead, here I am now — a taxi driver in New York City.

Louie:You see what happens to your brain if you don't talk? It'll sprout fungus. Look at Jim.

Terry:What do you mean?

Louie:I mean, the guy sits around all day thinking about life, philosophy, the meaning of existence. His brain's probably covered in mold by now.

Alex:I'll handle Terry. Don't worry about it.

Louie:What are you gonna do?

Alex:I'm just going to talk to him. Treat him like a decent human being.

Louie:A decent human being? What is that, some kind of rare species or something?

Elaine:He gives me the silent treatment when he's upset. Which is fine, except then I start talking about things I shouldn't. Like, I'll be in the grocery store and I'll say to the cashier, 'My son won't talk to me because I told his girlfriend about his eczema.' Or I'll bump into someone at the dry cleaner and I'm like, 'Yeah, he's mad at me because I mentioned his ingrown toenail to my book club.'

Alex:Terry, where do your parents live?

Terry:Why do you want to know?

Alex:No reason. Just making conversation.

Terry:Alex, you've been trying to get me to tell you where my parents live for the last five minutes. What's going on?

Alex:Okay, okay. You got me.

Jim:I'm not going back either.

Police Officer:You keep this up, I'm gonna cite you for failure to maintain a single lane, improper use of horn, and operating a vehicle with an expired inspection sticker. Then I'm gonna impound your cab, and I'm gonna make sure you spend the next six months in traffic court.

Louie:He's got a gun, I don't have a gun. He's got a badge, I don't have a badge. He's got authority, I don't have authority. He's bigger than me, he's stronger than me, he's meaner than me. What do I got? Nothing. I'm doomed.

Jim:Oh yes, the kid from the garage. We had a very brief but meaningful relationship.

Jim:How did you escape police custody?

Terry:I just walked out.

Jim:You just walked out? Terry, didn't anyone try to stop you?

Terry:No, nobody was paying attention.

Jim:Well, did anyone get hurt in the process?

Terry:Not that I know of.

Jim:Good. That's the important thing.

Terry:I looked you up in the phone book.

Jim:You found me in the phone book? There's only one Jim Ignatowski listed?

Terry:Yeah.

Jim:Far out.

Terry:A trampoline, a Nintendo, a tropical fish tank, a pinball machine, and a life-size cardboard cutout of Farrah Fawcett.

Jim:See? See? That's exactly what I'm talking about!

Jim:And most importantly, I don't have an Atari.

Terry:My parents won't let me go out after dark, they make me wear a seatbelt, and they insist I look both ways before crossing the street.

Jim:That's terrible! Those are completely reasonable safety rules!

Jim:A hellhole! That's a hellhole!

Terry:What's for breakfast?

Jim:Chili.

Terry:Chili?

Jim:Okay, SpaghettiOs.

Jim:You know, that's actually a smart move. Most people don't realize that a bowl of Lucky Charms and a Tab for breakfast gives you all four basic food groups: sugar, caffeine, food coloring, and gum arabic.

Jim:Yeah, my parents wouldn't allow it either.

Jim:But I do it anyway.

Jim:You know, I think my mother might have had a point about that.

Jim:Well, you know, quality over quantity. We had a beautiful moment there, even if it was brief.

Jim Ignatowski:You gotta stay in school. Education is important.

Jim Ignatowski:How else was I gonna learn enough to drop out?

Jim:You want to learn from me? Alright. I am like a Jedi master, and you are my young apprentice. I will teach you the ways of the Force.

Terry:Really? That's great!

Jim:Yes. And like all Jedi masters, I am wise, patient, and completely broke.

Jim:If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Jim:Yeah, it does. It makes a big crashing sound. The tree hits the ground, it's gonna make noise whether anybody's there or not.

Jim:My mother needed a new dress for her bridge game, and The Kinks were in town. I had to make a choice.

Jim:I went to The Kinks concert.

Jim:We'll focus on the '60s. I was there.

Jim:Hey Terry, I need you to re-grout the bathroom tiles for me.

Terry:Jim, I don't know anything about re-grouting.

Jim:Are you kidding? I asked my 10-year-old to do it last weekend and he did a great job.

Jim:I had this big fight with my kid about washing behind his ears.

Jim:Turns out I was talking about my own ears.

Jim:I made the adoption legal.

Jim:Here's my proof.

Jim:A library card.

Louie:A kid is missing? Missing?! We gotta organize search parties, call the police, check hospitals!

Louie:Wait a minute... how much is the reward?

Jim:His parents send him to summer camp.

Jim:As if he was a camper.

Alex:Terry has a puppy. A puppy, Jim. With big eyes. Sad eyes. Eyes that have never known love.

Alex:A puppy born in a cold, dark place. No mother to comfort it. Just... alone. So very alone.

Alex:And that puppy thinks about you, Jim. It dreams about you. It prays you'll come home and pet it just once.

Jim:You're manipulating me with the puppy dog eyes.

Alex:Well, his name is Sparky, and he hasn't eaten in three days, and he's got this little limp...

Jim:Wait, wait. You can't un-adopt someone who was never adopted in the first place.

Terry:I knew SpaghettiOs were your favorite, Jim.

Jim:How could you possibly know that?

Terry:I've seen your apartment. There's enough empty cans under your sink to build a life-size statue of you made entirely of SpaghettiOs.

Jim:Well, according to all those parenting books you gave me, the worst thing you can do is let your kid out of your sight for more than five minutes. So he's probably fine.

Jim:You're going to miss me, right? You're going to feel the same way I do?

Terry:Oh sure, Jim. I'm really going to miss you.

Jim:Well, good. I'm glad we understand each other.

Terry:Wait, did you say something about a puppy?

Jim:Yeah, your father got you a puppy.

Terry:A puppy?! Goodbye, Jim!

Jim:Wait, where's Terry going? I thought he was happy here!

Louie:He went home with his parents, you dummy.

Jim:But... but I thought he liked working at the garage.

Jim:I don't chase after people. When I was a kid, my dog ran away. My father said, 'Don't go after him, Jim. Let him go.' So I stood there and watched Rusty disappear down the street. That was the last time I ever saw him.

Jim:Now whenever someone leaves, I just... let them go.

Jim:Alex, I need to say goodbye to you. I couldn't say goodbye to Terry.

Alex:Jim, I'm just going to the bathroom.

Jim:I know, but I need to say this. You've meant so much to me. I'll never forget the time we shared together in this garage. When you come back, things will be different. We'll never be the same.

Alex:I'll be back in five minutes.

Jim:Godspeed, my friend.

Alex:Jim, that was... that was beautiful.

Alex:I can't just walk out of here now.

Alex:What are you having for lunch?

Jim:SpaghettiOs with marshmallows and anchovies.

Jim:They're gone. Both of them. The apartment is so quiet now.

Jim:I guess this is what empty-nesters feel like. One minute they're here, the next... nothing.

Jim:What am I supposed to do with myself now?