A Taxi Celebration 1

Louie De Palma:Welcome to Taxi, for those of you who haven't seen the show before—you people are real— I mean, we're so glad you could join us!

Elaine:Hi, I'm Elaine Nardo. I'm the new driver.

Louie:Oh, so you're polite to me now? What's the angle?

Elaine:There's no angle. I'm just trying to be friendly.

Louie:Friendly? Nobody's friendly to Louie De Palma. You want something.

Unknown driver:Louie? He's a nice guy. He'd give you the shirt off his... scales.

Alex:Everybody works part-time here. Bobby's a boxer, Tony's a prize fighter, Latka's got his own thing going.

Alex:Even I've got my own little situation — I'm writing a novel.

Louie:Yeah, and you're doing a great job. You're working 60 hours a week driving a cab.

Alex:That's part-time!

Alex:The only honest one about being a cabdriver in a taxi company

Elaine:I wouldn't call that a little angry.

Jim Ignatowski:I'm not just a taxi driver. I'm a philosopher behind the wheel, a modern-day Socrates navigating the streets of New York, dispensing wisdom to passengers who are lost not just in the city, but in the labyrinth of their own existence.

Jim:Back in the '60s, I was really into all that philosophy stuff. I read everything - Marx, Sartre, Camus. I was totally committed to the movement.

Jim:The thing is, I didn't understand a single word of it. I just nodded along at parties and repeated what everyone else said.

Tony:You're gonna stand there and tell me you were protesting the war? My brother was over there!

Jim:I know, Tony. And I'm grateful for what he did. I really am.

Tony:You're welcome.

Tony:We gotta find him a job. What can an old guy with no skills do?

Bobby:He could be a night watchman.

Louie:A security guard.

Alex:Work in a warehouse.

Tony:Come on, fellas. There's one job nobody wants to say.

Elaine:What?

Tony:A taxi driver.

Old man:Loss of consciousness? I had that once. Woke up in a hospital bed.

Old man:Hallucinations? Sure, everyone sees things that aren't there sometimes.

Old man:Memory loss? Happens to the best of us. Can't remember what I had for breakfast.

Old man:It's all part of life, kid. Nothing to worry about.

Old man:Is it mental illness or narcotic addiction?

Louie De Palma:Why does it have to be one or the other? Why can't it be both?

Examiner:What do you do at a red light?

Bobby:You stop.

Examiner:What do you do at a yellow light?

Bobby:You slow down.

Examiner:What do you do at a green light?

Bobby:You go.

Examiner:Okay, let me ask you again. What do you do at a red light?

Bobby:You stop.

Examiner:What do you do at a yellow light?

Bobby:You slow down.

Examiner:What do you do at a green light?

Bobby:You go.

Examiner:One more time. What... do... you... do... at... a... red... light?

Bobby:You... stop.

Alex:He's not going to pass.

Angela:You were looking for me specifically?

Alex:Yes.

Angela:Well, if anyone asks, you were looking for me to discuss the Simmons account.

Angela:Well, there goes my fan club.

Alex:What happened to that nice girl on the phone?

Elaine:Maybe she got hungry and ate herself.

Angela:I mean, look at me. I'm too tall, I'm too thin, my hair is too curly, my nose is too big...

Alex:Angela, come on. You're not too tall.

Angela:See? You couldn't even get past the first one.

Alex:I'm no Robert Redford.

Angela:No, you're not. But for a man, you're attractive.

Angela:If I lost weight, I could wear anything.

Tony:Yeah, a tent and a parachute.

Angela:Would you find me attractive if I weren't a nun?

Alex:Well, I... that's a tough question.

Angela:I could always take off the habit.

Alex:That won't be necessary.

Alex:You know, I've been celibate for six months now.

Elaine:That's great, Alex.

Alex:Yeah, I'm thinking of going for a year. Maybe make it a personal best.

Alex:Angela, you need to open up more. Let people in.

Angela:Why? So they can see what a mess I am?

Alex:No, so they can help you. I want to help you.

Angela:You just want to feel good about yourself doing charity work.

Alex:Look, Angela, I want us to be friends. So I brought you this peace offering.

Angela:A box of chocolates? How original. Next you'll be asking me to go for coffee and complaining about your ex-wife.

Alex:Did you see that? We just had a conversation. A real conversation. No one cried, no one yelled, no one stormed out. This is it. This is what I'm gonna tell my therapist about for the next six months.

Alex:How long has it been since you cried?

Angela:Oh, I cry all the time. I cried this morning, I cried at lunch, I cried on the way here.

Alex:What's wrong?

Angela:Nothing. I just have very sensitive tear ducts.

Latka:What do you call it when the man and woman go to the bedroom after the wedding? I'll tell you what we call it in my country... schibooble!

Simka:You know, Alex, in life we have only two choices.

Simka:We can do the right thing...

Simka:...or we can do what makes us happy.

Alex:Do you want to talk about it?

Simka:No.

Simka:Alex, I give you my body. You take what you want.

Simka:You want the legs? The legs are very good. Or maybe you prefer the arms? The arms are strong.

Alex:Simka, I appreciate the offer, but—

Simka:Wait, wait! I not finish! I also have the chest, very nice chest. And for you, special price on the whole package!

Alex:Your religion is barbaric.

Simka:Barbaric? You have kosher laws!

Simka:You want to know why I believe in God? Because the apple falls from the tree, and it doesn't fall up!

Simka:This is philosophy. The apple, it proves everything.

Jim:Why don't you two just talk to each other? Work it out?

Tony:You like Elaine? That's great! What's the problem?

Alex:I've been thinking about this all wrong. I thought I was interested in Elaine, but the truth is, I've had my eye on someone else this whole time.

Tony:Who?

Alex:You, Tony.

Tony:Wait a minute... Alex likes me? Like that?

Tony:No, no, that's crazy. Alex is just being friendly.

Tony:But he did say... and the way he looked at me...

Tony:Oh my God. Oh my God, he really does.

Tony:Alex Rieger... likes me.

Tony:I can't be alone with Kirk. Every time I am, he starts telling me how much he loves me, how I'm the only one who understands him, how he'd do anything for me.

Tony:The guy's got it bad for me.

Alex:He said that?

Alex:Did Kirk actually say that?

Tony:No, I made it up.

Tony:You want to dance? Sure, go ahead, you have my permission.

Tony:But I gotta tell you, Alex — you're gonna need a lot more than my permission. You're gonna need a miracle.

Tony:Alex, what are you doing in here?

Alex:I'm having a good time, Tony.

Tony:Yeah, but you're not gay.

Alex:I know, but these guys buy better drinks.