The Unkindest Cut

Elaine:Fred Collins is the most wonderful man I've ever met. His eyes are like two pools of melted chocolate, and when he smiles, it's like the sun breaking through the clouds. He's so thoughtful, so kind, so—

Alex:Elaine, you've known him for two days.

Elaine:I was trying to impress Fred at dinner, so I called the Dance of the Seven Veils 'subtle.'

Elaine:Oh my God. It does look the same.

Elaine:I paid twenty-five dollars for this haircut and it looks exactly the same as before!

Jim:Vincenzo Seneca? Is that near the Statue of Liberty?

Tony:No, no, it's further out. Very isolated. You go there, you don't come back for three days.

Jim:Three days? What happens there?

Tony:Spiders. Big ones. They nest in your hair.

Tony:A cowlick?

Jim:Yeah, yeah, that's it. A cowlick.

Tony:Is it a new car?

Tony:Is it a boat?

Tony:Is it a new refrigerator?

Tony:Volleyball!

Louie:Close.

Louie:It's Pac-Man.

Louie:Alright, listen up. I'm putting the Pac-Man game in the garage, and I'm deciding who gets first crack at it.

Louie:I'm giving it to Jim.

Louie:Why? Because the guy's compulsive. He'll play it till his fingers bleed. That's exactly the kind of person you want on an addictive game like this.

Jim:That was the greatest thrill of my life!

Elaine:I got the appointment! I got it, I got it, I got it!

Elaine:Okay, now I need a new outfit. Something professional but also fabulous.

Elaine:But that dress is four hundred dollars!

Elaine:So what? You deserve it! This is a big moment!

Elaine:I can't spend that kind of money on a dress. What about rent?

Elaine:You'll figure it out. You always do. Besides, you'll make such an impression they'll probably give you a raise!

Elaine:That's insane. I'm being ridiculous.

Elaine:No, you're not! You're being confident!

Receptionist:He says he's got to wash his car.

Elaine:Two hundred and twenty-five dollars?!

Elaine:Well, that's... that's reasonable.

Client:How can I ever thank you?

Vincenzo:Well, you could bring me a kimono.

Client:A kimono?

Vincenzo:A nice one. And then tomorrow, bring me a geisha.

Client:A geisha?

Vincenzo:And the day after that, bring me a security guard to protect my kimono and geisha.

Vincenzo:You know, when Michelangelo, he paint the Sistine Chapel, he look at the ceiling and he see the face of God. When I look at your hair, I see the same thing.

Elaine:You see the face of God in my hair?

Vincenzo:No, no. I see what I can create. I am like Michelangelo. Except instead of marble, I work with hair. Instead of a chapel, I work with a head. But the vision, it is the same. The genius, it is the same.

Vincenzo:A cab driver? You were a cab driver?

Elaine:Yes, for a while.

Vincenzo:And now look at you - you've gone from driver to passenger. That's what I call moving up in the world!

Elaine:I'm comfortable with my hair color.

Vincenzo:You should be. It's not like you're trying to be Lucy or something.

Vincenzo:Elaine, I'm gonna need to use the green hair dye on you today.

Elaine:Green?!

Vincenzo:Yeah, it's the only way to get the look you want.

Elaine:I never said I wanted green hair!

Vincenzo:Just kidding. I'm just messing with you.

Elaine:What do you think?

Vincenzo:It's... very nice. You look like a different person.

Elaine:Really?

Vincenzo:Yes. A person I don't know.

Vincenzo:She's upset because they said her hair looked nice? What is she, from the suburbs?

Jim:Yeah, well, I went down to the arcade this morning, and I couldn't stop. I was out of quarters, so I had to go to the bank and get cash. Then I ran out of cash, so I had to go home and get my checkbook. Then I ran out of checks, so I had to go to my apartment and get my credit cards. Then I maxed out my credit cards, so I had to go stand on the corner with a sign that said 'Will work for quarters.'

Louie:Making eating sounds while enjoying Jim's financial suffering

Elaine:My hair's so bad, it could be used as a serving tray at the Met.

Elaine:If I do anything to my hair, it'll fall out in clumps.

Tony:So? It'd be an improvement.

Elaine:My hair looks like spoiled coleslaw.

Jim:What happened to your hair?

Elaine:I got it cut.

Jim:You got it cut? That's not a haircut, that's a cry for help.

Elaine:It's not that bad.

Jim:Not that bad? Elaine, you look like you stuck your finger in a socket. But hey, it's just a little thing.

Louie:What happened to your hair? It looks like someone put a firecracker in a poodle!

Louie:I wasn't insulting her! I loved that parrot. When it exploded, I cried like a baby.

Louie:You see, Elaine, I appreciate your beauty the way simple people appreciate sunrises.

Louie:They don't understand the mechanics of it, the rotation of the earth, the refraction of light.

Louie:They just know it's beautiful and it makes them happy.

Louie:So when you mess with that beauty, you're messing with my sunrise.

Louie:You see, what Vincenzo did was assault! It was vandalism! It was desecration of a work of art!

Elaine:My hair is not a work of art.

Louie:That's what I'm trying to tell you!

Louie:You're worried about Tony? The guy's a professional boxer with a record of 2 and 47. He's not dangerous, he's a punching bag with legs.

Louie:You can take him, Tony. He's just a hairdresser.

Tony:Yeah, but how big is he?

Elaine:And then, to top it all off, the hairdresser looks at me and says, 'Well, what do you expect? You're a waitress.'

Louie:The kids laugh at you. The police horses are afraid of you.

Alex:Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Customer:You're blocking the sink.

Alex Reiger:I work with Elaine.

Salon Customer:Oh, how nice.

Alex Reiger:Yeah, we're cab drivers.

Salon Customer:Cab drivers? Oh my God.

Louie:Beautiful hair. You know who else had beautiful hair like that? A cocker spaniel I saw hit by a bus.

Vincenzo:Mamma mia! Look at them - Alex, Louie, and Elaine together. They're like a secret cell! A sleeper unit! They could be planning anything!

Vincenzo:One wrong move and boom - they overthrow the whole garage! I'm telling you, we're looking at a full-scale insurgency right here!

Louie:What happened to you? You look like you stuck your finger in a socket!

Elaine:I spent three hours at the salon getting ready for my date tonight.

Louie:Three hours? For that? They should pay you to leave!

Alex:Louie, sit.

Louie:What?

Alex:Sit, boy. Good boy.

Louie:Alex, what are you doing?

Alex:Stay. Stay right there. Now roll over.

Louie:I'm gonna kill you.

Elaine:My hair is ruined! Do you know what it's like to have your hair destroyed? To walk around looking like this?

Vincenzo:Yeah, I know. I've been doing it for years.

Elaine:I'm leaving with my dignity intact.

Louie:Hey! You owe me thirty bucks!

Jim Ignatowski:You know, I play Pac-Man because in that game, you know what you're doing. You're just trying to eat the dots and avoid the ghosts. It's simple. It's clear.

Jim Ignatowski:But then I realized... my real life is exactly like that. I'm just trying to get through the day, eating up whatever comes my way, and there's always ghosts chasing me. The only difference is, in Pac-Man, you get extra lives.