Tonys Lady

Latka/Vic:You know what they say — young, gifted, and Vic.

Bobby Baccalieri:'Slimy lounge lizard' perfectly captures Vic's essence

Vic:You know what? I'm sick of this guy. He's always making my life miserable, contradicting everything I say, making stupid decisions...

Vic (other personality):Oh, here we go again with the complaints. Maybe if you weren't such a jerk, people would actually like you!

Vic:See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! He never listens to reason!

Vic:Listen, I need your help dealing with Latka.

Vic:That Captain Crud can't even operate a rag.

Louie:A new job? That's great, Tony. What is it, professional accident?

Tony:I'm tired of driving a cab all day.

Alex:So what are you gonna do?

Tony:Become a chauffeur.

Alex:Tony, that's still driving.

Tony:Yeah, but in a nicer car.

Alex:So Tony, you're going from being a cab driver to a chauffeur. That's quite a career move.

Tony:Yeah, it's a whole new life for me.

Alex:Right. Because the only difference is one guy yells at you through the partition, and the other one yells at you through the intercom.

Louie:You're walking poodles? What are you, some kind of dog walker now?

Tony:It's a job, Louie.

Louie:A job? I've seen lower life forms. In fact, I have dinner with them every night — they're called my family. But you, you're eating WITH the dogs now?

Alex:Latka, your engine is really dirty.

Latka:Dirty? What do you mean dirty? I look inside and what do I find? Normal engine parts! Can you believe it?

Latka:Oh, Vic is always complaining. You know what his problem is? He's a putz!

Latka:No, no, no - I mean, my OTHER self, he's the real putz!

Latka:Ah, go take a mud bath, you meshuga drek!

Christina:Hi, I'm Christina. I'm new here.

Tony:Oh wow, hi! Welcome! I'm Tony. I'm... I'm the dispatcher here. Welcome to Taxi.

Tony:Can I get you anything? Coffee? Donut? My phone number?

Christina:Is something wrong?

Tony:Wrong? No, nothing's wrong. I'm too smitten to notice.

Tony:You know, some people, they don't like to be called by their nicknames. They prefer their real names.

Christina:That's very considerate of you, Tony.

Tony:Yeah, well, I figure if somebody's name is Robert, and they want to be called Robert, not Bob, you gotta respect that.

Christina:Absolutely.

Tony:So I says to this guy, 'What do you want me to call you?' And he says, 'My name is Robert.' So I say, 'Okay, but what's your real name?'

Christina:Everyone calls me Christina except my brother.

Christina:He calls me collect.

Tony:Hey, watch where you're going, you moron!

Tony:I mean... kindly exercise more caution in your vehicular navigation, sir.

Tony:I went to this real classy party, you know, met all these important people.

Tony:Turns out they were all chauffeurs.

Passenger:You think you're tough? I could take you with one hand!

Tony:Yeah? Well, I could take you with both hands tied behind my back.

Passenger:Oh yeah?

Tony:Yeah. But I wouldn't need 'em.

Tony:That's what I like about Doug. He listens.

Tony:His boxing experience is getting beaten up by smaller opponents

Tony:I won the fight, see? The ref raised my hand, the crowd went wild. Next day, the sportswriter says, 'Bianchi looked so bad, the crowd was nauseous.'

Tony:So I'm telling this to the guys, and they don't get it. I gotta explain — he wasn't saying I made 'em sick from the fight, he was saying I'm so ugly, looking at my face made 'em nauseous!

Tony:So I'm in the ring, right? This guy, he used to be a champion. But now he's all washed up, you know? I mean, the guy can barely stand.

Tony:I'm throwing punches, I'm moving around, I'm doing everything right. And you know what? I might have won that fight.

Tony:The only benefit from years of boxing is having stories to tell

Tony:You know, Christina and I, we could never work out. We're just too different.

Tony:I mean, think about it. If we went on a perfect date — she'd be happy, I'd be happy, we'd have a great time together — that would prove we're completely incompatible!

Alex:I was trying to tell Tony how much I sympathized with him, you know, how I really felt for the guy.

Latka:I didn't understand a word you said.

Alex:You didn't?

Latka:No, but I could tell by the way you were talking that you really meant it, so I felt bad too.

Tony:She takes this class, you know, to learn how to be more refined. They teach her how to walk, how to talk, how to dress. By the end of the course, she's supposed to be this elegant, sophisticated woman.

Tony:So I ask her, 'How's the class going?' She says, 'Great! I learned how to be a debutante, then a socialite, then a fashion model, then a showgirl in Vegas.'

Tony:You think she sees me as just help? That's because I am the help. I'm not her friend, I'm not her peer - I work for her. She pays me, I do what she says. That's the practical reality of an employer-employee relationship.

Jim:Love creeps up on you. You don't even realize it's happening.

Jim:One day you wake up and you're in love with someone.

Jim:Hell, I didn't even realize I was living with someone for three months.

Jim:I'm thinking about marrying this woman.

Alex:Jim, you just met her last week.

Jim:I know, but she's perfect. We're gonna be so happy together.

Alex:How do you know that?

Jim:Because I'm gonna marry her, and I only marry women I'm happy with.

Tony Banta:Boxing? That's a great idea for a date!

Other Character:Just be careful not to hurt her.

Tony Banta:Don't worry, I'll take it easy on her.

Elaine · Tony:Oh, it was a beautiful spring day. I fell in love with him that afternoon. Yeah? How'd it turn out? Oh, not so good. I married him.

Louie:You know, Tony, I may be a lot of things - a cheap boss, a ladies' man, a man of questionable moral character - but I got a heart.

Tony:Sophisticated? Louie, the last woman you were with thought a bidet was a new kind of soft drink.

Louie:She's a dancer, you know? A real ballerina. And I been reading up on all the technical stuff - the pirouettes, the arabesques, the whole nine yards.

Louie:I even went to see her perform last night. And let me tell you, watching her move across that stage... it was poetry in motion.

Louie:That's why I'm being so sensitive about the whole thing. I know how important her art is to her. So I told her, 'Baby, you go out there and kill it with your grand jetés and your pas de deux, and I'll be in the audience giving you a standing ovation.'

Louie:You want to know the secret to romance? You gotta be direct. You see a broad you like, you go right up to her and you say, 'Hey, you. Yeah, you. How'd you like to go out with me?' None of this fancy talk, none of this flowers and candy. Just lay it on the line.

Louie:And if she says no, you say, 'Your loss, sweetheart.' Then you move on to the next one. That's how you do it. Simple. Effective. No games.

Alex:You're telling me you actually seduced all those women?

Louie:Well, not exactly seduced. More like... I offered them a ride and they said yes.

Alex:That's not seduction, Louie.

Louie:I know. That's why I don't have any success. I'm a cab driver. Where am I gonna take 'em? To the airport?

Louie:See, there's a spot on every woman. You find that spot, they're yours.

Elaine:Oh really? And where's my spot?

Louie:Right here.

Elaine:No!

Louie:See? I told you I'd find it.

Tony:So when's a good time to drop by your luau?

Jim:Oh, anytime. I'm having a luau.

Tony:You're always having a luau?

Jim:Yeah, I'm always having a luau. It never stops. I just keep it going.

Character entering:Here I come to save the day! I'm gonna help you with your dating problems, Tony!

Tony:Great, because I really need it.

Louie De Palma:Tony, I'm gonna give you a pickup line that never fails. You walk up to a beautiful woman and you say, 'If you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.'

Tony Banta:That's terrible!

Louie De Palma:Terrible? I've used that line a hundred times. First she laughs, then you buy her a drink, then you suggest dinner, then you invite her back to your place to see your etchings, then you show her your bedroom, then you show her your... collection of rare coins.

Alex:Tony doesn't need pickup lines. He's a very attractive man.

Character:Yeah, well neither do you, Alex. You need a pickup truck.

Tony:This doesn't rhyme.

Jim:I know. I was hoping it would.

Jim:Okay, let me fix this to rhyme. 'Roses are red, violets are blue, I eat Frosted Flakes and so do you.'

Jim:Wait, that doesn't work. How about... 'Roses are red, violets are Froot Loops, my love for you makes me do loop-de-loops.'

Jim:No, no... 'Roses are red, violets are Grape-Nuts, without you my heart is totally empty of cereal nuts.'

Tony:Christina, I need to tell you something. I've been wanting to say this for a long time...

Christina:Oh Tony, that's so sweet, but I have something to tell you too.

Man:Christina, will you marry me?

Christina:Yes! Yes, I will!

Tony:...I was just going to say your hair looks nice today.

Alex Reiger:Romance only works in fiction. I'd settle for even comic strip romance.

Tony:He only got over his ninth-grade heartbreak recently

Jim:I've got this great date planned. We're going to go out, spend some quality time together, really get to know each other.

Alex:What are you doing?

Jim:We're collecting aluminum cans.

Alex:Oh.