Like Father Like Son

Tony:Jury duty? They're gonna lock me up with twelve strangers and expect me to decide somebody's fate? I can't even decide what to have for lunch!

Tony:What if I gotta sit next to some guy who clips his fingernails? What if the bathroom's occupied when I need it?

Tony:And they only give you a sandwich for lunch. A sandwich! I need a hot meal, I need a nap, I need to know where the exits are!

Tony:This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Worse than the time I got stuck in an elevator. Worse than my marriage!

Alex:I don't want to talk to him.

Tony:I got called for jury duty. I'm telling you, Alex, it's gonna be a nightmare.

Alex:At least you only have to deal with the justice system. I've got to call my father.

Tony:So?

Alex:So? I'd rather sit through a ten-week trial than have that conversation.

Jim:What are you talking about? You see your father all the time.

Alex:No, we don't talk. We just sit there.

Jim:Well, what's the difference? That's what talking is anyway.

Louie:A jury of your peers, Tony. You know what that means? Twelve people just like you.

Tony:Yeah, so?

Louie:So? We'd have to find eleven other pinheads!

Louie:This case is huge. Everything depends on the jury.

Tony:I got picked as a juror.

Louie:Tony? A juror? This is a disaster.

Tony:What? I can be serious. I can listen to evidence.

Louie:Tony, just... try to focus during deliberations, okay?

Tony:Don't worry about me. I'll be professional.

Louie:The verdict came back.

Tony:Yeah, we deliberated for hours. It was tough.

Louie:And you all reached a decision?

Tony:We did. But mostly I just sat there making my lips go like this...

Tony:*makes exaggerated popping and raspberry sounds with lips*

Alex:He's been there for years and they've never met.

Elaine:You've slept with how many women? That's disgusting! You're a pig! An absolute pig!

Alex:You know, maybe my father has mellowed with age. Maybe he's finally become the man I always wanted him to be.

Alex:And now I don't know who I am without hating him.

Alex:You know what's weird about running into an old friend? You don't know whether to shake hands, hug, or just stand there like an idiot.

Bobby:So what'd you do?

Alex:I did all three. Simultaneously. He thought I was having a seizure.

Joe:Alex, we need to talk about what happened between us.

Alex:Yeah, Dad, I've been wanting to—

Joe:Wait, hold that thought.

Joe:(looking off) Is that... wow, who is that?

Jim:You know, I've been thinking about fathers and sons. It's not just about you and me. It's about all fathers and sons everywhere. We're all trying to connect, all struggling to understand each other across the years. Every father wonders if he did right by his son. Every son wonders if his father really loved him. It's the human condition, played out in a million living rooms across America.

Joe:I never said I was gonna send it. I said I was thinking about sending it. There's a big difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it. I think about a lot of things.

Joe:She's got to be intelligent, you know? Cultured. Someone who appreciates the finer things in life.

Joe:And she's got to have a sense of humor. Someone who can laugh at herself, who doesn't take everything so seriously.

Joe:Beautiful, of course. But not in some obvious way. Something subtle. Elegant.

Karen:Joe, are you describing your ideal woman or writing a personal ad?

Joe:Yeah, I saw her first. I had her schedule memorized, knew which coffee she liked, had a playlist ready...

Alex:Joe, that's not preparation, that's a restraining order waiting to happen.

Joe:You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first.

Alex:Look, I'll be honest. I went along with Joe's jazz thing because I wanted to prove I could make my own decisions. But the truth is, I don't even like jazz. I was just trying to assert my independence by agreeing with someone else's idea.

Louie:Congratulations, Alex. You got a date. That's wonderful. I'm sure she'll have a great time until she realizes what a jerk you are.

Joe:Karen, I'm sorry for being so forward with you. I didn't mean to—

Karen:It's okay, Joe.

Joe:Really? Because I've been going to this support group for it.

Karen:A support group? For what?

Joe:For people who are too cute. We meet every Tuesday.

Joe:You're a real cutie-pie.

Karen:Thanks, but I'm not sure what I'd do if you dunked me in your coffee.

Karen:Joe, I'm worried about dating both of them. Aren't they related?

Joe:Related? Karen, they're only cousins. That's barely a family connection.

Karen:Joe, why do you always describe yourself as a harmless old man?

Joe:Well, that way people don't expect anything from me.

Karen:But Joe, you're not old.

Louie:I'm about to let that canary sing.

Tony:I've been here five feet.

Tony:How long have you been living here?

Alex:About five years.

Tony:No, I mean how long is your residence? Is it long? Short? Medium?

Alex:It's a one-bedroom apartment, Tony. Why don't you just measure it?

Louie:I'm gonna tell you something about Alex that'll blow your mind.

Louie:But first, you gotta understand it like a fine wine. You can't just gulp it down. You gotta let it breathe, swirl it around, really savor it.

Louie:See, there's layers to this story—hints of scandal, notes of humiliation, a delicate finish of pure embarrassment.

Louie:And like a good vintage, this gossip only gets better with age and retelling.

Louie:You know what your problem is, Reiger? You think you're so broad-minded, so open to everything.

Alex:Well, I try to be.

Louie:Well, let me tell you something. My sister married a black man.

Alex:That's great, Louie. I think that's wonderful.

Louie:Yeah? Well, how would you feel if it was YOUR sister?

Alex:I'd feel the same way. I'd be happy for her.

Louie:Oh, yeah? Well, my sister married your brother.

Alex:Yeah, well my mother made the same mistake.

Alex:She thought Joe was my father.

Alex:Karen, that's my father. He's a munchkin.

Alex:I was in awe of my father's women.

Alex's Mother:You're having trouble breathing? That's asthma.

Karen:Joe's funny because of the ridiculous specificity. Like, he doesn't just do a general impression - he imitates pea soup.

Karen:There's a difference between loving women and loving women.

Alex:What's the difference?

Karen:About twenty minutes.

Karen:Joe, you're slime.

Alex:Hey, that's my father you're talking about.

Karen:You're right, I'm sorry. Joe, you're a slimy weasel.

Alex:Tell me more.

Alex:No, I don't think so, Karen. Joe's a big guy. I'd rather talk to him.

Karen:That's very mature of you, Alex.

Alex:Yeah, well, the last time I got into a fight, I got my ass kicked by a girl.

Karen:Who?

Alex:My mother.

Joe:I got a fish tank at home, but there's no fish in it.

Joe:I figured, why go through all the trouble of feeding them and changing the water? This way, I just look at the tank and imagine the fish are there. It's a lot easier.

Joe:Your mother's cooking is terrible. She uses way too much salt.

Alex:That's not true! My mother is an excellent cook. She seasons everything perfectly. Salt brings out the flavors!

Joe:Alex, I found a salt shaker in her lasagna.

Alex:Well, maybe you just have unsophisticated taste buds!

Alex:If you keep this up, I'm cutting off all contact with you.

Joe:Alex, come on. You know I don't have that many years left.

Joe:You want to see me do the pea soup? Okay, here goes nothing.

Joe:*makes exaggerated gurgling and splattering sounds* BLEEEEGH! *mimics vomiting sounds* This is what happens when you eat bad pea soup!

Joe:*continues with ridiculous physical comedy* Look at me, I'm a pea soup fountain! Splooooosh!

Joe:You see, I do this pea soup impression, and the women, they can't resist it. Every time.

Joe:It's so authentic, so genuine... they fall right into my arms.

Joe:Come on, kiss my head.

Alex:No.

Joe:Ah, suit yourself.