The Wedding Of Latka And Simka

Latka:Goodbye, Vic. Goodbye, Chet. Goodbye, Bruno. Goodbye, Felipe. Goodbye, Rajiv. See you later, Ramon.

Latka:Goodbye, friends.

Alex Reiger:I don't know about this therapist of yours, Latka. I mean, how do we know he's qualified? What are his credentials?

Latka Gravas:He's very good, Alex. He helped me with my problems.

Alex Reiger:Yeah, but that doesn't mean— wait, what do I have here? A pair of threes, a five, a seven, and a king? Are you kidding me? Fold.

Latka:Everyone, I want you to meet my therapist.

Dr. Joyce Brothers:Hello, I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers.

Tony:Dr. Joyce Brothers! I can't believe it's really you. Your advice column saved my life during puberty. I was so confused, so scared, and then I read your column and everything made sense. Thank you so much.

Dr. Joyce Brothers:Well, that's very kind of you to say.

Tony:No, I mean it. The acne, the voice changing, the sudden interest in girls... I didn't know what was happening to me. But you explained it all so clearly. Especially that part about the wet dreams.

Louie:Hey, aren't you that guy from television?

Guest:Yeah, that's right.

Louie:Well, what are you doing in my garage?

Guest:I don't know, I'm as confused as you are.

Louie:You know what? I think I'm on TV. This has gotta be some kind of show.

Louie:What do you mean I'm not on television? I got stories! I got material! You think Johnny Carson doesn't need me? I'm ready to go on any talk show tomorrow!

Latka:In my country, the wedding rituals, they are very important. They have been passed down for many generations.

Latka:The distinguishing features are mindless and pointless.

Latka:Normally, Gewirtzal is served by the most undesirable person in the group.

Alex:Well, I qualify!

Simka:Latka, you said you have big surprise for me!

Latka:Yes, yes! Close your eyes!

Simka:I close eyes. Where is surprise?

Latka:Open!

Simka:What? This is surprise? You make funny face at me?

Latka:Is beautiful gesture from my country!

Simka:You know, in my country, when a man proposes to a woman, he must first prove he can support her family for one year. If he cannot, he is cast out like a leper.

Alex:That's barbaric.

Simka:Barbaric? That's very typical Gewirtzal thinking. In fact, lepers are considered quite successful in my homeland.

Latka:You sing like this, you never get married. You die alone. Is sad life.

Simka:Is good. Is like old country saying: 'When donkey marry chicken, feathers fall in soup, but soup still hot.'

Simka:Tell me the murzik, the traditional wisdom of our people.

Mrs. Gravas:A man is like a piece of cheese. First he is fresh and good. Then he gets old and hard. Finally he gets moldy and stinks.

Mrs. Gravas:You know what they say: 'It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean.' Well, let me tell you something — I've been on plenty of boats, and most of them don't even leave the dock.

Mrs. Gravas:You know what happens after you're married twenty years? Your husband, he looks at you one day and he doesn't recognize you anymore.

Mrs. Gravas:My Harry, he looks at me now and he says, 'Who is this woman in my house?'

Mrs. Gravas:I said, 'It's me, Harry, your wife!' He says, 'No, no, my wife was beautiful.'

Mrs. Gravas:And you know what the worst part is? He's right. I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself neither.

Mrs. Gravas:I look like I been sleeping on my face for twenty years. My skin, it hangs like a sad dog. My hair, it's all gray and thin, like dead grass. And my teeth? They're so loose, when I laugh, they fall out onto my plate.

Simka:Almost more than ever!

Simka:Mama, I try to give you a kiss on the cheek!

Mrs. Gravas:I don't bend for nobody.

Simka:So I have to climb on the furniture to reach your face!

Mrs. Gravas:You know, in my day, a girl couldn't kiss a boy unless they were engaged. It was absolutely forbidden.

Mrs. Gravas:The only exception was if the boy had a note from his mother.

Louie:Home sweet hell. That's what I call this place.

Dr. Joyce Brothers:Humor is a wonderful coping mechanism. Laughter brings people together and helps us face life's difficulties with grace and optimism.

Dr. Joyce Brothers:Of course, most people are idiots and they're all going to die anyway, so what's the point?

Dr. Joyce Brothers:You know, I've been thinking... maybe all those people out there aren't so bad after all.

Louie:Well, that's a switch coming from you, Doc.

Dr. Joyce Brothers:Yes, well, I suppose I've been a bit harsh. Some people are actually quite... charming.

Louie:Charming, huh? Anyone in particular?

Dr. Joyce Brothers:Oh, I don't know. Maybe someone right here in this very garage.

Alex:Why do all the women look so unhappy?

Louie:They're not unhappy, they're just getting a head start on their misery.

Mascha:Oh, I live in London where I work as a weatherman for the BBC.

Mascha:Are there any questions?

Mascha:Yes, I have a question.

Mascha:What is it?

Mascha:That's a very good question.

Latka:This is traditional Cimerian wedding ceremony. The bride and groom, they wear each other's clothes.

Simka:Yes, is very meaningful. Shows we are becoming one person.

Tony:You're wearing a dress.

Latka:And Simka, she is wearing my suit. Is beautiful, no?

Latka:Simka! You look beautiful in my father's dress!

Simka:I'm telling you, I was virgin when I come to this country! Why you no believe me?

Simka:Okay, so maybe there was this one time with the sailor in Baltimore, but that don't count because he say he marry me first!

Simka:And yes, there was the truck driver in Philly, but he force me! Well, he ask nice, but I say no at first!

Simka:So technically, I still virgin because none of it mean anything!

Simka:I have never been to Paris, I have never seen the Eiffel Tower, I have never tasted French champagne, I have never danced under the stars with a handsome man, I have never felt the warmth of the Mediterranean sun on my skin, I have never—

Latka:Simka! Simka, please!

Simka:—worn a beautiful gown, I have never been to the opera, I have never—

Latka:Simka, enough! You're going to say something you can't take back!

Simka:—experienced true passion with a man who understands me, I have never—

Latka:SIMKA! Stop right there!

Priest:What is the greatest gift one person can give another?

Simka:Two hundred dollars.

Latka:Save the baby!

Simka:Save ME! Save ME!

Mascha:That was the final test. One of them had to stand up and demand to be married.