The Robbery

It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing... to just pick a finger and you show it to the person.

Someone shows me one of their fingers... and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work?

I would feel worse if I got the toe than if I got the finger. It's not easy to give the toe. You gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up in the...

Look at that toe, buddy.

I am the master packer.

packing is like leading men into battle. You've got to know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.

The hot water takes a while to come on. So the best thing to do... is to turn it on, do all your shopping... then come back and take a shower.

Deduct a minimum of two days off all expiration dates. No meat, no leftovers, no butter. And I cannot overstate this: No soft cheeses of any kind.

I'll eat out.

regarding sexual activity. Strictly prohibited, but if you absolutely must, do us all a big favour... do it in the tub.

No. The waitress/actress. She just got some part... in some dinner theatre production of A Chorus Line.

So now all day long she's walking around the apartment singing:

Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I've got enough trouble maintaining activity in one.

Because then I could move in here.

The steam's been on for 10 years. No human can turn this off.

Well, for me it's a step up. It's like moving from Iceland to Finland.

I left the door open because I was gonna bring the spatula right back.

Well, I got caught up watching a soap opera. Bold and the Beautiful.

Because I spent my money on the Clapco D-29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: The door... must be closed!

In your way.

Boy, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.

Do you ever find anything? - No.

I'm living with Ethel Merman without the talent.

Now, unless they give the crook his copy... I don't really think we're gonna crack this case. Do you?

It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city... and everybody pretty much knows who they are.

Did you lose a Sony? It could be The Penguin. I think we can round him up. He's dressed like a penguin. We can find him. He's a penguin.

What do you tip a wood guy?

You don't tip a gardener. - You can tip a gardener. - You don't need a gardener.

I like that.

Give me... a hundred and fifty dollars.

I could go as high as... I don't know. Maybe... twenty dollars?

So you do want it. - I want it if you don't want it. - You just said you wanted it. - No, I'm saying if a situation arose... in which you didn't want it, I might take it.

No, it hit the table. - So what? - Interference. You can't count that. Come on, are you crazy? The coin cannot touch anything. It affects it.

Why did I put out two? Why did I put out two?!

Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.

See, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed.

Did he call it? - Well, no, he didn't call it. - Bang. He has to call it. Case closed. Objection overruled.

I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting. I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

They're closing in on 100, I'm saying to them, 'How can you eat that stuff?'

How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. - I won't mope. - You're already moping.

These are the guys who turned this place down. Can you believe it?

We're aware of the proximity to the park.

I'm thinking of maybe buying a new TV... and smashing it over my head.