The Jacket

I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself.

I think eventually... fashion won't even exist. We'll all be wearing the same thing. Because any time I see a movie or a TV show... where there's people from the future... they're all wearing the same thing.

One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe and boots. That's it.

We should come up with an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches.

They walk out, twirl, walk off. We just sit in the audience and go, 'That was nice. I could wear that.'

The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good, they'd put it in the front. Why don't they open an entire store for the back? Call it 'Just Back.'

All back. No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back.

I always felt he deserved a wider audience. I'm not so sure he wants one.

Frankly, I prefer the company of nitwits.

So that's why we're not together anymore.

How much is it? - Oh, my God.

Bad? Very bad? - You have no idea. - I have some idea. - No idea. - I've got a ballpark. - There's no park... and the team has relocated.

I hate these moments. I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know? 'What about the money?' 'What's money?'

That's definitely you. - Really? - That's more you... than you've ever been.

I paid what it costs. - How much? - What's the difference? - You're not gonna tell me? - I'd rather not say out loud. It's embarrassing.

Whoa, Nelson.

It just comes out. I have no control over it. I'm singing it on elevators, buses. Singing in front of clients. It's taking over my life.

You know, Schumann went mad from that. - Artie Schumann from Camp Hatchapee? - No, you idiot. - What are you, Bud Abbott? What are you calling me an idiot for?

He had to be institutionalised. - Really? - Well, what if it doesn't stop? - Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot.

He'll look at us... like he's backstage at a puppet show.

Like, tonight I might've been a little nervous, but inside this jacket... I am composed, grounded, secure that I can meet any social challenge.

Can I say one thing to you? And I say this with an unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. - Absolutely. - It's fabulous.

So, what was it, 400? Five hundred? Did you pay 500 for this? Over 6? Can't be 7. Don't tell me you paid $700 for this jacket.

You are sick! Is that what you paid for this jacket? Over 700?! What did you pay for this jacket? I won't say anything. I wanna know what you paid for this jacket. Oh, my God! A thousand dollars?!

Hey. Hey, will you do me a solid?

I'd like to. I've never done a solid before.

Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over 2000 years.

There's never been an appointment in my life... where I wanted the other guy to show up.

Like it? Don't you find that you get more without it?

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time... and sometimes she's late. I guess... today she's late.

Who said? - The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.

I don't need anybody to tell me it's gonna rain. Oh, no. Of course not. All I have to do is stick my head out the window.

Which one's supposed to be the funny guy? - Oh, he's the comedian. - I'm just a regular person.

We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tail gunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. There's nothing funny about that.

I thought it was just brilliant. - Drivel. - Yeah, maybe some parts. - What parts? - The... drivel parts.

Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe.

All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life his attitude is: 'The hell with the world, I can make my own people.'

I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want... and I'll create whoever I want.

What kind of an operation? - Bone marrow.

Yeah, they should have taken care of Castro when they had the chance. Like we did in Guatemala in '53.

Well, Guatemala... - Sure. Guatemala.

He was gonna tow it with me in the car.

He said he was getting instructions, that each dove has a different diet.

The lift. Like the lure of the Siren's song. Never what it seems to be. Yet who among us can resist?

Pipe down, chorus boy.

Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it? - I wouldn't think so. - What should I do?

What the hell do you call this? - I turned my jacket inside out. - Well, you look like a damn fool.

Well, you're not walking with me and my daughter dressed like that. That's for damn sure.

Thanks again for coming last night. Dad said he had a great time. - Is he still in town? - He's driving back to Maryland tonight.

I didn't wanna tell you this, but usually he hates everyone.

Said you reminded him of somebody he knew in Korea.

Dad thinks George is gay. - Oh, because of all the singing? - No. He pretty much thinks everyone is gay.

Boy, it's too bad you gave me this one too.

I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time?

When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse: 'Let us in. We're all wearing leather! Open the door. We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here.'

'Is it suede?' 'I am suede. The whole thing is suede. I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got.'