The Heart Attack

As an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie, okay?

I have three cookies or four cookies... or 11 cookies if I want.

Many times, I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it.

And then I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it.

Hello, Mom? Yeah, I just ruined my entire appetite. Cookies.

As an adult, we understand even if you ruin an appetite... there's another appetite coming right behind it.

Look, Zigmond. Look at the sky! The planet's on fire! It is just as you prophesised!

You're bringing in an outside cucumber?

What have I done? What...? I can't read this. 'Fullman hurtel vom'?

Fax me some halibut.

Is that funny? Is that a joke?

That's like asking, 'Where's Waldo?'

I think I'm having a heart attack.

I think what he's trying to say... is that he's having a heart attack.

You saw that show on PBS last night, Coronary Country.

I saw it in the TV Guide, I called him... told him make sure and not watch it.

He saw that show on anorexia last year... ate like an animal for two weeks.

Why can't I have a heart attack?! I'm allowed.

Manhattan Memorial. Less of a line.

I never been in the hospital a day in my life... except when I had my tonsils out.

You know, they never gave me any ice cream. I always felt that if they...

Shut up!

'Salami salami bologna.' Definitely.

'Salami salami bologna'?

Well, you know, I was thinking, if things don't exactly... work out...

Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short.

do you think it'd be all right if I called Susan Davis?

Well, it's not like we'll be bumping into you.

Jerry... kill me. Kill me now. I'm begging you.

Well... What, kind of like this?

Jerk-off.

Is anybody getting your apartment?

Hey, is anybody listening?!

Oh, God. Mommy.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

Well, they've grown back.

Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.

In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anybody... who didn't have their tonsils.

And we were forbidden to socialize with tonsil people.

Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

It's like Sizzler opened up a hospital.

They gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.

You get that heart pumping... Suddenly, boom! Next thing you know... you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.

Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going: 'My name is Bob!'

No, Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Ackman is a nut.

First visit? 38 bucks.

I'm 33, I haven't outgrown the problems of puberty... I'm already facing the problems of old age.

I went from having orgasms immediately to taking forever. You can do your taxes in the time it takes me to have an orgasm.

I never had a really good pickle.

Your parents would have been well-advised to wait.

And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

There's some hot air blowing in here.

I love cramp bark.

Cleaver? I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car.

Couch grass and cramp bark? I think that's what killed Curly.

Cleveland, 117. San Antonio, 109.

I'm an eggplant! I'm a vegetable!

All this over a Chuckle.

It's a jelly candy. Comes in five flavours.

A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae?

I don't want to run into Dr. Tongue.

That's it! That's it! 'Flaming globes of Zigmond'! That's my note. That's what I thought was so funny.

It's not funny. There's nothing funny about that.

I had a heart attack this big... but I gave myself one of these: Clear! And it's gone.