The Deal

Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes

If someday I'm one-legged at a 45-degree angle... what am I gonna wear?

What about this suit? I'll get it. Looks fine. Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants. I want to make sure. Perfect. Now, what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes.

I know. I know. I'm having my root canal the same week.

Hey, lookit. Naked people.

I have a vague recollection of doing something with someone... but it was a long, long time ago. I think my last time was in Rochester. My hair was a lot shorter.

What was that look? - What look? The look you just gave me. - I gave a look? - Yes. - What kind of a look? - I know that look.

Well, you're the big look expert.

Thirty-seven.

We know the terrain. - No big surprises.

It's almost stupid if we didn't. - It's moronic. - Absurd.

The idea is to combine the this... and the that. But this cannot be disturbed. We just want to take this... and add that.

Beautiful. Let's make it a rule. All right, sir.

Sleep is separate from that, and I don't see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.

It's bourgeois.

Oh, yeah.

What's the deal with Aquaman? Could he go on the land, or was he just restricted to water?

Oxygen. I need some oxygen.

You ask me here to have lunch... tell me you slept with Elaine... and then say you're not in the mood for details. Now, you listen to me. I want details, and I want them right now. I don't have a job, I have no place to go. You're not in the mood? Well, you get in the mood!

If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep. I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would break through the door. They'd find me in my pyjamas with drool coming down my face.

She must have taken some kind of seminar or something.

Where are you living? Are you here? Are you on this planet? It's impossible. It can't be done. Thousands of years, people have tried to have their cake and eat it too.

You know what you're like? You're like a pathetic gambler. One of these losers in Las Vegas who keeps thinking... he's gonna come up with a way to win at blackjack.

No. No. You see? You got greedy.

It could be a hot, sweaty room with no air conditioning... and all they have is a little Army cot this wide. You're not going anywhere.

I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easy if I go home.

Surgery! You're going to the dentist!

I had this improv... where I pretended... I was working in one of those booths in an amusement park... where you shoot water in the clown's mouth and blow up the balloon.

Hey, who took my cake?

Whatever I give her, she'll be bringing in experts from all over the country... to interpret the meaning behind it.

I think I heard her say something about a bench.

What, like at a bus stop? - Like a park bench? - Who puts a bench in the house?

I mean, she opens it up, she hears that 'Lara's Theme,' I'm dead.

The frame says, 'I care for you, but if you want to get serious... perhaps you'd be interested in someone like this.' Nice-looking fellow.

Too gubernatorial.

And it's getting so tough, because the relationships are so complicated... greeting-card companies now put out cards that are blank... on the inside. Nothing. No message.

For 75 cents, I don't want to get involved.

You got me cash? This way, I figure you could go out and get yourself whatever you want. No good? Who are you, my uncle?

To a wonderful girl, a great pal... and more.

I am not your pal. What's wrong with pal? Why is everybody so down on pal?

The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!

182 bucks. Cash? You've gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would give her.

Think where man's glory most begins and ends... and say my glory was I had such a friend. Yeats.

You know, we never had one fight before this deal. - I know. - Never. - Ever. - We got along beautifully. - Like clams.

No this? No that. No this or that.

This, that and the other. Oh, sure. Of course. You're entitled. Who doesn't want this, that and the other? You.

Those birthdays. I told you, they're relationship killers. If a relationship's having any problems whatsoever, a birthday brings it out.

I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings... when I was changing before gym class.

Ninety-one dollars.

Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me that he's a sculptor. They live in Vermont.

Have to wear that really heavy denim. The cafeteria, with the guy who slops the mashed potatoes onto your plate. Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people.

Boy, I really liked the two of you much better when you weren't a couple.

I think that for some reason... when a man is driving down that freeway of life... the woman he's involved with is like an exit. But he doesn't want to get out. He wants to keep driving.

But the man focuses on the sign underneath that says, 'Next exit, 27 miles.' And he thinks, 'I can make it.'