The Alternate Side

It seems the way they design the car alarms... is so that the car will behave as if it was a nervous, hysterical person.

Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Not everyone wants to draw that much attention to themselves.

'Excuse me?' I would like a car alarm like that.

I don't know my alarm sound. I'm not tuned into it like it's my son.

They cross the wires or something... I can't even make a pot of spaghetti.

Maybe you should call your car phone.

Can I ask you a question? ... Did you steal my car? ... Yes, I did.

But that's my car. ... I didn't know it was yours. ... What are you gonna do with it? ... I don't know. Drive around.

Then can I have it back? ... No, I'm gonna keep it.

Listen, there's a pair of gloves in the glove compartment... Could you mail those to me?

I didn't cross any wires. The keys were in it.

Hey, Jerry, when's the last time you had a tune-up? Because I can't find...

He only works three hours a day. He makes a fortune. He's been doing that for years, right, Jerry?

Could anybody do that?

Right out of the clear blue sky? ... Clear blue sky. ... Why didn't they ask me? ... I got a quality.

This Wednesday? ... No, next Wednesday. Week after this Wednesday. But the Wednesday two days from now is the next Wednesday.

I'm in a transition phase right now.

Owen March. I never heard of him. ... Well, he's not a baseball player. ... Yeah, that's true.

I made a reservation for a midsize, and she's a small. I'm kidding around, of course.

Why do people always say that? I hate everybody. Why would I like him?

So vibrant she'd be spinning.

But the reservation keeps the car here. That's why you have the reservation. ... I know why we have reservations. ... I don't think you do.

See, you know how to take the reservation. You just don't know how to hold the reservation. And that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding.

Anybody can just take them.

Hey, Marge, see those two people? They think I'm talking to you. So you pretend like you're talking to me...

Yeah, give me the insurance... because I am gonna beat the hell out of this thing.

I love being with him. I mean, I like being with him. It's okay being with him. I just don't enjoy being with him.

Seven dates is a face-to-face breakup? If it was six, I could've let you go. But seven, I'm afraid, is over the limit.

Unless, of course, there was no sex.

Reaction beat - Elaine's silence to the sex question

So I start to walk, and I trip. And the grocery bag goes flying... and Woody starts laughing... It started to come out of his nose.

You mean 'a career.'

I didn't see him.

Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty.

These pretzels are making me thirsty... No... These pretzels are making me thirsty... No, no. See, that's no good.

These pretzels... are making me thirsty!

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Boy, he took it hard.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

You raise the feet, get blood to the head. You raise the head, get blood to the feet.

He is not a drug addict.

A cookie! ... Can you give him a cookie? ... How's he gonna chew it? ... Move his teeth. Worked for my uncle.

Cookies don't liquefy. ... They do. You can liquefy a cookie.

You know, I've got to tell you, he's a pretty good-looking guy... Those eyebrows could use a trimming.

He said, 'Who's the moron who's got the street all screwed up?'

They sit with you. That's all they could do. 'Can you help me?' 'No, we can't help you, but we were the first ones here.'

My question to you is: Who's putting your pants on?

The extent of the damage would've been far less severe... had paramedics been able to reach him sooner.

Five seconds! The next words out of my mouth were, 'Owen, it's over.'

All these years, I'm living in a community, I had no idea.

Your whole business is based on other drivers. It's a rented car. That's who's driving it. Other drivers.

Did you see the size of that document? It's like the Declaration of Independence. Who's gonna read that?

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Why Yankee bean, huh? Don't they have beans in the South?

It's a bitch to get here. It's two subways. I have to transfer at 42nd Street to take the double-R.

These pretzels are making me thirsty.

Told me he was just using me for sex.

Well, one of the pieces must've hit Woody... and he started crying.

Boy, I really nailed that scene.

All I need is the sickness. That is the most important one. 'Do you take this man in sickness?' That's the time I need somebody there.