The Suicide

That urine sample. Giving them that, that's always a pleasure, isn't it?

I don't know what you need. I gave you whatever I had there. I got more. Whatever you need, I can get it for you. Just let me know what you need. It's no problem, I mean....

But any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is... I always click into this thing where I wanna do really well.

What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt.

We're sending the results to Washington.

We'd like you to meet the president.

If you named a kid Rasputin... do you think that would have a negative effect on his life?

No.

Well, once I didn't have dinner till, like, 9:00. I'll tell you, that was pretty rough.

Give me 2 bucks. I'll do it for 2 bucks.

There's no way I'd touch that bag for less than $2.

You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for 50 cents.

What do you need, a break from getting up at 11?

I can't commit to a woman, I'm not committing to an airline.

You should be ashamed of yourself. I want you out of here.

Good enough.

He was doing standup comedy in Kennebunkport, Maine... in this really ominous nightclub. The stage was on a cliff and the audience was throwing all the comics off.

I think I've played there.

Your father's bald. Baldness is inherited from the mother's side, Jerry. But your mother's bald too.

I heard he used to polish off a box of Triscuits. Really? Oh, yeah. Gandhi loved Triscuits.

It's not too bad. It's not like a Sunny von Bulow coma.

And all indications are he does not like Drake's Coffee Cake. He said that? He was screaming about it all night. How it's too sweet and it falls apart when you eat it.

I wish he was not in a coma. I wish he was dead. I would like to pull the plug out from him!

I'm a man who respects a good coma.

If it was one of those in-and-out comas, maybe. But when a guy's got a coma going like this... you don't wanna mess with it.

There's no tall buildings where these people live? They can't wrap their lips around a revolver like a normal person?

I give them 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it by 24 hours, it's a land rush.

Baldness is inherited from the mother's side, Jerry. But your mother's bald too.

Psychics should be licensed. And it wouldn't be hard. We could just give them the regular DMV test only with the silver dollars and the pizza dough over the eyes.

Like Kreskin. Instead of just hiding his check... why don't we try stopping his check. Let's see how he handles that.

You can say what you want about me... but I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here while you insult my toothbrush.

No, more like the Three Stooges at the end of every movie.

Fruit makes me incontinent.

The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.

That's your big boy.

I don't like to give out bites.

You know, they're so fragile.

You wouldn't believe it. Rasputin.

The thing I don't understand about the suicide person... is the people that try and commit suicide for some reason, they don't die, and then that's it. They stop trying.

Because they give up too easy. I say pills don't work, try a rope. Car won't start in the garage? Get a tune-up. There's nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you've set for yourself.