The Fix Up

I never really understood the importance of the conductor. Between you and me, what the hell is this guy doing?

Do you really need somebody waving a stick in your face to play the violin? Does that really help you out?

Tap, tap, tap. 'Start.' Okay. I could see how you need that.

I don't see the cellist looking up, 'I'm confused. I don't know what to do.' Then the conductor go, 'Do this. Like this.' 'Oh, okay, thank you. Thank you very much.'

Why try anymore? There's no sense to it. I'll never meet anybody. I should accept it.

It's hard enough to meet a woman you dislike, much less like.

Are my nostrils getting bigger?

Why can't I just walk up to a woman and say, 'Hi, I'm George'? 'How are you?' Is that so terrible? H-- H-- Hi. Hi. Hi.

The problem is that the good ones know they're good. They know they're in demand. They're not interested in confining themselves to one person.

I hate the good ones.

Is Jerry a good one? That's a good question. I think he thinks he is.

The mediocre ones are available but so insecure not being a good one they're always, 'I'm not good enough for you. What are you doing with me?' Eventually I just go, 'You're right.'

Maybe you need somebody between good and mediocre.

No, maybe I need somebody who has nothing. Somebody who just appreciates being with me because he's so desperate.

It's gotten to the point where I'm flirting with operators on the phone. I almost made a date with one.

Oh, so there's still hope.

I don't want hope. Hope is killing me. My dream is to become hopeless. When you're hopeless, you don't care. When you don't care, that indifference makes you attractive.

So hopelessness is the key. It's my only hope.

You see, I wouldn't really mind so much, but I feel badly for my mother. If my mother weren't around, it wouldn't be so bad. But I'm telling you, if I'm not married by the time I'm 40, I'll have to kill her.

Because it's the only fair thing to do. I just couldn't put her through that.

At least you're not bitter.

Who says I'm not bitter? Aren't you too young to be bitter? No, you can be young and bitter. Just maybe not as bitter as I'll be 10 years from now. But I'm bitter.

Anyway, don't tell anyone. Don't worry. Your bitterness is safe with me.

Okay. Order me a piece of cake. I'm gonna go throw up.

Look at my hands. Look. Filthy from the paper. They should give you a Wet-Nap when you buy one, like at those rib joints.

What did you talk about? Oh, you know, the usual. The Federal Reserve, the rain forest. Cynthia felt we should nuke the rain forest. Get rid of it in one fell swoop so we could eliminate it as a subject of conversation.

Yeah, right. Yeah, right.

I've never fixed anybody up. Ugh! Me neither. And I am not about to start with George.

Well, why wouldn't you start with George? You think she's too good for George?

I didn't say 'too good,' did I? You implied it. I didn't say it. If you think she's too good for George, you are dead wrong. Dead wrong.

What's with the eyebrows?

You know what your problem is? Your standards are too high. I went out with you.

That's because my standards are too low.

And by the way, women kill for eyebrows like that. Do you know that? Women pluck their real eyebrows out of their head one by one until they're bald, Jerry, bald above the eyes. And then they paint in these eyebrows to look like that.

Well, let me tell you something about George. He is fast. He can run like the wind. And he's strong. I've seen him lift 100 pounds over his head without even knowing it. You wouldn't know it to look at him, but George can bait a hook.

He can really do that?

We're going to tell each other everything? Every secret? Everything. What if it worked out? Yeah, right.

Why? No. I'm not going to do that. It's one step away from personal ads. Then prostitutes. No! No! I am not going down that road.

What does she look like? She's good-looking. How good-looking? Very good-looking. Really good-looking? Really very good-looking. Would you take her out? Yes, I would. You hesitated.

What hesitate? I didn't hesitate. Something's up. You hesitated.

What about the body? Good body. Nice body. How nice? Nice. Pretty nice. Really good? Really very nice and good.

Funny. Bright. I don't want anyone smarter than me. How could she be smarter than you?

He tried to poison his boss. Excuse me? It's such a long story. Seriously, he just had some problems at work.

What does he look like? Well, he's got a lot of character in his face. He's short. Um, he's stocky. He's fat. Is that what you're saying, that he's fat? Powerful.

He is so powerful. He can lift 100 pounds right up over his head.

He's bald? No. No, no, no. He's not bald. He's balding. So he will be bald? Yeah.

Thick, lustrous hair is important to me.

'Thick, lustrous hair is important to me.' Is that what you said? Right. Just clarifying.

If you stick your hand in the hair, is it easy to get it out? Do you want to get it out? Or do you want to not be able to get it out? I'd like to be able to get it out. I think you'll get it out.

What about the skin? I need a good cheek. I like a good cheek. She's got a fine cheek. Is there a pinkish hue? Yes, a rosy glow. There's a hue.

Who cares about eyebrows?

Is she sweet? I like sweet. But not too sweet. You could throw up from that. I don't think you'll throw up. She likes to throw up.

Has he been close? He once spent a weekend with a woman.

He didn't really try to poison his boss. Yeah, he did.

We had an incredible phone conversation. We talked for, like, 20 minutes. I threw away my notes in the middle of the call.

I thought she had a great voice timbre. Is it 'timbre' or 'tambre'? I think it's tambre. Why'd I think timbre?

She could do voice-overs. You didn't tell me about her voice? It's mellifluous.

I am unbelievable on the phone. On the date, they should just have two phones on the table at the restaurant.

See? I don't get that. We had a relaxed, stimulating, great conversation. She doesn't mention it? Why not mention it?

You know my friend Bob Sakamano? The guy from Jersey. He just got a job at a condom factory. Look at this. He gave me a gross.

What will you do with all of them? Oh, well... Take some, Jerry. Grab them.

No, thanks. They look like they came out of a cereal box.

Half a bag? What am I, a hooker?

Anyway, they look kind of cheap. I'll take one.

I think we should have, like, a secret signal with the druggist. You walk into the store, go to the counter. He looks at you. And if you go like this-- He puts them in the bag for you.

Show up there with your little shaving cream, your little toothpaste. How are you today? 'Have a nice day.' 'You too.'

It's George. He just got home. Yeah. I got Cynthia on the line. I'll call you back when I'm done. Remember our pact: full disclosure.

I'm gonna tell you, but I made a pact with Cynthia. We swore we wouldn't tell you and Elaine. You can tell. I'll vault it. It's in the vault? I'm locking the vault.

We had sex. Oh, my God, you had sex? How did that happen? I don't know. I closed my eyes and made a move.

At your apartment? Yeah. She didn't stay over? No. She left.

He was uncomfortable because it was our first time. So he felt he'd perform better if we did it in the kitchen. What? He says the kitchen is the most sociable room in the house. And he was serious.

So how was it? How good could it be? My head was on a hot plate.

So, what did she say? What did he have to say? He said he had a good time. Her too. Oh, good. Anything else? No. You? No. You sure? Yeah. You? Yeah.

I left three messages. I can't believe this woman. We have sex, she leaves 10 minutes later, then I never hear from her again. What kind of a person does this? She used me. I feel cheap and violated.

Leaves you sitting there on the kitchen floor like some kind of roach trap. 'Wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.' 'Sir.' Whatever.

I was smart. I was funny. I made great small talk with the waitress so she could see I could relate to the commoners. I'm a man of the people.

Don't call. No, I'm calling her. No, Jerry, I don't want you to. Get away from me. Give me the phone. You wanna fight me? Jerry, I'm gonna kill you.

The next one of you that opens your mouth, you'll have to deal with me. I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it? You see! This is exactly what they want to do to you.

They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that. Come on, there are plenty women out there for all of us. Shake. Yes! You see? Isn't that better than fighting?

You wanna fight with somebody, you fight with me. By the way, those condoms I gave you? They're defective. Don't use them.

What? Yeah. Defective? Yeah. How could you give me a defective condom? I didn't even know they were defective. Didn't think you'd use them.

Don't worry. If anything was wrong, she'd have called you. I missed my period. Oh, my God! I am very worried. I am never late.

But he used a condom, right? I know, but these things aren't always foolproof. Oh, no. What? Was it blue? Yeah. How'd you know? Just a hunch.

It says 'twist-off.' Twist off! Twist! Off!

What's the problem with your little flaky friend? She doesn't return calls? Who are you to talk about her like that? She'll call him when she's good and ready. You don't even know her. Oh, I know her. I know her type.

Her type? What type? The type that doesn't return calls. I knew we shouldn't have done it. It was a bad idea. I told you. You told me? You pushed this whole thing on me.

I was just helping your bitter, twisted friend. She's not bitter. Bitter's a judgment call. She's twisted. Twisted? God, I did you a favor!

Are you calling me a liar? I'm calling you one if you are. Are you? Get your finger out of my face. Get yours out. I don't care. Get out! Out! Out! Out!

Now, don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around looking for something not even there when everything you dream of is right here in front of you.

By the way, when you see George, give him these. These'll work. I knew those condoms were defective! How did you know they were defective?! Because! Because she missed her period!

Oh, my God! I can't believe it. I'm a father! I did it! My boys can swim! I can do it! I can do it! I'm a father!

So he shows up. He's all out of breath. He's disheveled. And tells me that whatever happens, whatever I decide is fine with him and I could depend on him and that he'd support me in whatever way I need.

Elaine, I was speechless. Wow. Wow. You see? You think you know somebody. I said to him, 'I really appreciate this, but I just got my period.'

This is good. Oh, this is good. Is that salt on this? Is there salt on this?

But have you ever fixed anybody up? Why do we do it? Why? You thought they'd have a good time and little power trips for you, isn't it? Now you're playing God.

Of course, God was the first person to fix people up. He fixed up Adam and Eve. I'm sure he said to Adam, 'No, she's nice. She's-- Yes, she's very free about her body. Doesn't really wear much. She was going out with a snake. I think that's over, though.'