The Truth

What kind of a sicko, really, would save these... have them in a huge file? Drawers that wide. You know, you just... 'Where the hell is that but...' I mean, is it that hard to get black, round buttons... that they make it into a whole thing?

I'd really like to eventually work exclusively... on my papier-mâché hats.

What if it rains? They're art. You hang them on the wall.

'Who so belongs only to his age... reverences only its popinjays and mumbo jumbos.' Thomas Carlyle, 1864. Tommy C.

You come barging in here, asking me to contribute money... to a volcano relief fund for Krakatoa. It was supposed to erupt.

I don't even pay taxes. Yeah. That's easy when you have no income.

All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.

It's a riot, Alice.

Yeah, Tina likes the couch.

A long, long time ago... in a galaxy far, far away.

Like you'd make this donation for 50 bucks... and I'd start tearing my clothes off?

Those brave Krakatoans... east of Java... who sacrificed so much, for so long.

See, that's karma. No, that's Kramer.

And as we speak, at this very moment... he is handing over to her all of my pertinent tax information... and she has assured us... that the matter is well within her field of expertise.

You hate my earrings, don't you? And you didn't comment... on the chopsticks.

I want the truth! The truth? You want the truth?!

You call everyone by their full name. You called my doorman Sammy, 'Samuel.' But you didn't even say Samuel. You went 'Samuel.'

It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination.

I would've killed this man. Torn him limb from limb. Ripped the flesh right off his bones.

Here I am, about to go to the electric chair... and my oldest friend is dating the governor.

My whole life has been a complete waste of time. And there's so much more to go.

I broke up with her.

[Jerry's stunned silence and reaction]

You're extremely... careful with money. I'm what? I'm cheap? You think I'm cheap?!

When I was working, I spent, baby! Yeah, I know. Champagne, limos, cigars.

A pocketbook or a handbag? Is that relevant? She took them.

Well, wouldn't it be invisible? I mean, what, are you gonna just sense it's in front of the couch?

I saw her naked. He saw me naked. Kramer saw me naked.

All right, if it's gonna make you feel any better, you can see me naked. No, thank you. No, I want you to see me naked.

As far as Mr. Johnson is concerned... that's another story.

You'll sense it.

A mental institution.

That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Because I feel it gives me something. Some, you know, 'I'm naked, but, you know...'

To be naked and still be able to do this.

I've driven women to lesbianism before... but never to a mental institution.

My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, had no effect.

Came over to my house for dinner, there was no soda... and he went berserk. He was screaming, 'Where's the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?'

I should be in a place like this. I envy this woman. Get to wear slippers all day. Friends visit, they pity you. Pity's very underrated. I like it. It's good.

Plus, they give you those word-association tests. I love those. They're great. There's no wrong answer. Potato. Tuberculosis. Blanket. Leroy. Grass. Tuberculosis.

[Kramer appears completely naked]

Listen, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's yambalas and sambusa.

It's invisible. So is everything cool or what?

Who are you? This is my friend... Jerry. Why are you talking like that?

Obviously, this isn't a mental institution.

I'm incapable of guile. He's never guiled.

There are no copies. Who makes copies?

It was 1987. I remember I talked to a guy, had, like, a maroon sport jacket... and he might have had a toupee. Oh, it was a weave?

I'm going to a poetry reading... with Patrice. First-time poets. It's in a burnt-out building down by the docks. It's supposed to be good.

You're going that way anyway! Come on.

At first, I thought, 'Well, IRS kind of sounds like Toys 'R' Us. Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it.'

I think they should take all your receipts and put them... in one of those big, Lucite sweepstake drums... and just kind of crank it around there. Give you a feeling like you might win something.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's another illegal deduction... but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail.