The Dog

Does it seem to you that the ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life?

He says kinky things, because he's made out of wood and he can spin his head around

Dummy feet never look really right, do they? They're just kind of dangling there. Always kind of askew

This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station? Okay, you got me. I fell for it.

That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's gonna be $50,000. / If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.

She was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for, like, two years. And then one day... this orange dress.

Oh, memory burn, huh?

It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter.

The Dewey Decimal System. What a scam that was. Boy, this Dewey guy really cleaned up on that deal.

I kind of like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.

This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster. Maybe a virgin.

Needs a little Kramer, huh?

Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.

The library investigator's name is actually Bookman? / That's like an ice-cream man named Cone.

Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obscenities and doing callisthenics? / I think that's Mr. Heyman.

He's older, completely covered in filth, no whistle. But I think it's him.

Oh, tattletale. / I didn't tattle. / Well, what did this guy do? / I never figured you for a squealer. / He sang like a canary.

So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?

You don't know. You see, 'I don't know anything' means there's something to know. If you really didn't, you'd say: 'You're crazy.'

Marie, this water is still too cold. / Oh, yeah. It's freezing. / Hurts your teeth.

I don't understand lunch. I don't know anything about it.

Instead of saying Costanza, he'd say, 'Can't stand you. Can't stand you.'

I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class. And the straps were hanging down...

It was like from an exhumed corpse. Little baked beans.

They also have an atomic wedgie. The goal there is to actually get the waistband on top of the head. It's very rare.

Boys are sick. / Well, what do girls do? / We just tease someone till they develop an eating disorder.

Here's a place where you can go in, take out any book you want. They just give it to you and say, 'Bring it back when you're done.' Reminds you of that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend.

That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend.

Who doesn't have instant coffee? / Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.

Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. Hippies burning library cards. Abbie Hoffman telling everybody to steal books.

Rock was never my bag. But you put on a pair of shoes in the New York Public Library, fella.

Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world. But what about that kid sitting down opening a book right now in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees in The Cat in the Hat?

Well, I got a flash for you, joy-boy: Party time is over.

I have a witness. Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of Black Jack gum. I said, 'Liquorice gum. What will they think of next?' I remember it!

I wore a purple dress. / Purple? / You sure it wasn't orange? / Positive.

No Black Jack? / Liquorice gum? Never.

Tropic of Capricorn? / Remember? / 'What holds the world together, as I have learned from bitter experience, is sexual intercourse.'

Wait a second, wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. We read from Tropic of Capricorn. I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer. And then...

It was George!

That is great poetry. You should be published. / It's great.

Hello! / Hello! / Hello! / Hello.

I remember when the librarian was a much older woman. Kindly, discreet, unattractive. We didn't know anything about her private life. We didn't wanna know about her private life. She didn't have a private life.

Got that, kewpie doll?

Maybe you're getting a raise. / Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.

It's... It's Marion's poetry. / I can't take it!

Columbus. Eurotrash.

He smelled like the locker room after that game against Erasmus. That was double overtime.

He turns and smiles. The little baked-bean teeth.

Here I was on the steps of the 42nd Street library, a grown man, getting a wedgie.

At least it wasn't atomic. / It was.

Hard feelings? What do you know about hard feelings? Ever have a man die in your arms? Ever kill somebody?

You better not screw up again, Seinfeld. Because if you do, I'll be all over you like a pit bull on a poodle.

That is one tough monkey.

Can't stand you. Can't stand you. Can't stand you. Can't stand you.

Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. You know what I mean? It started off kind of normal. You have, like, English, geometry, social studies, and then suddenly, you're, like, in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.

You're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, 'Where's your jockstrap?' You know. Kids are throwing dodge balls at you. You're trying to survive.