The Nose Job

Give me an explanation why the pharmacist has to be...two and a half feet up above everybody else. What the hell is he doing he can't be on the floor with you and me?

Brain surgeons, airline pilots, nuclear physicists, we're on the same level.

Oh, no, he's gotta be two and a half feet up. 'Look out, everybody, I'm working with pills. Spread out, give me some room.'

The only hard part of his whole job that I could see...is typing everything onto that little, tiny label.

'Yeah, I'd like to get this prescription filled.' 'All right. You wait down there. Only I'm allowed up here.'

On an elevator? You met a woman on an elevator?

Impossible, right? You got less than 60 seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb.

You know, I'm the one responsible for those crop circles in England.

Can you believe I did that? What did she say? What crop circles?

Not a good sign.

Crop circles? Why don't you buy something? You got something in your teeth.

Oh, man, spinach. I've been walking around like this all afternoon.

You bump into anybody you knew? I had a job interview.

How did it go? Take a guess.

You don't need a job. You got Audrey. Yeah. Right.

You won't think I'm a bad person? Too late for that.

Her nose is a little big. Yeah, she's got a big nose. I mean, big would even be okay. It's beyond big. It's a schnoz.

I'm aware that my own physical dimensions...are a little short of perfection. A little.

But I have to say, I think about the nose. I don't wanna think about it, I don't ask to think about it, but I think about it. I go to bed, I tell myself, 'Don't think about the nose.' I think about it.

I look at her, I see the nose.

The ironic thing is, if she had a smaller nose...I never could've dated her. She'd be out of my league with a smaller nose.

I'm not getting past that nose.

All right, shut up. Here they come. How can I not think about it? Look at the size of this thing.

My mother's going out with this guy who leaves a jacket in her house. She gives to me. Well, two years later, he shows up and takes it back. Now he's in prison. Got arrested for mail fraud.

Peter Von Nostrand.

He believes it possesses some extraordinary power over women.

I got stamped at the reggae lounge last night. I'm going back there tonight. I'm not gonna pay another cover charge.

You didn't wash all day? Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand.

You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job.

Yeah, well, you can kiss that jacket goodbye, Mr. Von Nausen.

But what would the world be like...if people said whatever they were thinking...all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. 'Sorry, your rear end is too big.' 'Okay, your breath stinks.' 'See you later. No problem. Goodbye.' 'Okay, thank you very much.'

What are you thinking about? Thinking? Nothing. What could I possibly be thinking?

So, what did you think? About the pizza? No. About the nose job.

You know, not that I care one way or the other...but these doctors today do amazing things. If you were so inclined. And again, I'm not suggesting.

Peter Jennings had one. Really? Probably. They all do.

Of course, I'm from Long Island, so...

It's really nothing. It's like going to the dentist. I hate the dentist. It's a cleaning.

Unfortunately...we live in a very superficial society. I don't condone it...but it's a fact of life.

Now you talked her into a nose job? Me? I didn't say anything. You encouraged her to get one. I didn't encourage. No encourage.

'Peter Jennings had one'? It's possible.

Unless you'd really like one, then...

I'm going straight to hell. No two ways about it. It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into bad dudes.

Not as exciting as Miss Crop Circles.

It's like my brain is facing my penis in a chess game. And I'm letting him win.

You're not letting him win. He wins till you're 40. Then what? He still wins, but it's not a blowout.