The Shoes

I'm tired of pretending I'm excited every time it's somebody's birthday. What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over. All you did was not die for 12 months.

I love the astrology things that tell you the people that have the same birthday as you. It's always an odd group of people too. It's like Ed Asner, Elijah Muhammed and Secretariat.

I don't wanna live! I don't wanna live! Because of me? You must be joking. Who wouldn't wanna live because of me?

You can do better than me. You could throw a dart out the window and hit someone better than me.

I'm no good. You're good. You're good. I'm bad. I'm bad. You're killing me!

Over you? Well...

Oh, what are you gonna get Jerry for his birthday? I got him a great gift. Really? What? I got two tickets to see Guys and Dolls. Oh, that is a good gift. Maybe he'll take me. No, I'm gonna go with him.

Never even seen you? Gotta kind of envy that.

You know, you've been developing quite the acid tongue lately. Really?

Who do you think is the most unattractive world leader? Living or all-time? All-time. If it's all-time, there's no contest. It begins and ends with Brezhnev.

I don't know. Did you ever get a good look at De Gaulle? Lyndon Johnson was uglier than De Gaulle. I got news for you. Golda Meir could make them all run up a tree.

Golda Meir. Good one, babe.

You know just because you two are homosexuals, so what? I mean, you should come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

You know you'll always be the only man I'll ever love. What's the matter with you? Come on. Go along. I'm not going along.

I could just see you in Berlin in 1939 goose-stepping past me. 'Come on, Jerry. Go along. Go along.'

People think I'm gay. Yeah, people ask me that about you too. Yeah, because I'm single, I'm thin, and I'm neat. And you get along well with women. I guess that leaves me in the clear.

I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. Oh, yeah? What? Buck Naked? Yeah. How did you know that? You told me that already. Like two months ago.

How you gonna get out of that one? I don't know. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

Oh, is that a problem? No, I just hate my voice on tape. It always sounds so high and whiny.

Jerry, did you wash this pear? Yeah, I washed it. It looks like it hasn't been washed. So wash it. You hear the way he talks to me?

You should hear how my boyfriend talks to me.

Is that, like, the end of the world or something?

Actually, it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. And I kept slipping and burning my thighs. And then finally I slipped, and I fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since.

Do you guys live together? Live together? No, I got my own place.

Oh, and do your parents know? Know what? My parents? They don't know what's going on.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. No, of course not. It's fine, if that's who you are. Absolutely. I mean, I have many gay friends. My father's gay.

Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do you wanna have sex with me right now? Let's go. Come on! Let's go, baby! Come on!

Because you know me, I walk into a room, problem solved.

Happy birthday. 'Faruba!' Today's not my birthday. Well, I beg to differ. Well, I think I know when my birthday is. Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

Leave me alone. Get off my back about the jacket.

She thinks we're heterosexual. I guess we fooled her.

There may be a problem with the phone. This phone's a piece of junk.

You know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

Guys and Dolls? Isn't that a lavish Broadway musical? It's Guys and Dolls, not Guys and Guys.

The Collected Works of Bette Midler. What? I... I thought you liked Bette Midler. She's all right. You said you liked her. Well, so what? Maybe I do like her. So what? So nothing.

Although they maintain separate residences, the comedian and his longtime companion seem to be inseparable. Within the confines of his fastidious bachelor pad, Seinfeld and Costanza bicker over the cleanliness of a piece of fruit like an old married couple.

I told you that pear was washed.

I thought we were friends.

You're thin, late 30s, single. So are you. Yeah.

It was those culottes you made him wear when he was 5. They weren't culottes. They were shorts. They were culottes! You bought them in the girls' department. By mistake. By mistake, Jerry. I'm sorry.

I fell right off the toilet. My back went out again. I couldn't move. The super had to come and help me up. I was half-naked.

Maybe you're making porno films. Yeah. I'm Buck Naked.

Six-thirty, Scott. Time for your sponge bath. Six-thirty already? I fell asleep. Let me help you off with that. Here, I'll just slip it over your head. The water's nice and warm, isn't it? Oh, that feels really good.

I want you to know that it took a lot of guts to come out how you did and that you've inspired me to do the same, even though that may mean a discharge from the service. Thanks.

If you boys cannot control yourselves, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I'm out, baby! I'm out!

I'm gay. I'm a gay man. I'm very, very gay. Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness.

Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing? What? You're with a woman! I know. What are you doing here? I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do? I trusted you!

My name's Buck Naked. I'm a porno actor.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I am not gay. I am, however, thin, single and neat. When someone is thin, single and neat, people assume they're gay because that's the stereotype.

If people are gonna assume that neat people are gay, instead of doing this: 'I think Joe might be a little...' They should vacuum. 'You know, I think Joe might be...' Yeah. I got a feeling he's a little...