The Junior Mint

You can't have adultery. You commit it. You can't even commit adultery unless you already have a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before thinking about committing it.

There's no commit without the commit.

Then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind... and they have you committed.

You know, some people actually cheat on the people they're cheating with... which is like, you know, being in a holdup... and turning to the robber next to you and going: 'All right, give me everything you have too.'

Produce section. Very provocative area. Lots of melons and shapes. Everyone squeezing and smelling.

I was nervous. I got distracted. It had something to do with a car or a fish.

Look at... Why do I get bananas? They're good for one day.

You make money without doing anything. I have some friends that try and base their whole life on that principle. Really? Who? Nobody you know.

It's gonna be like a log cabin. Because I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry. Wood.

Wood is good. Definitely.

If I watch it at my apartment, I feel like I'm not doing anything. If I watch it here, I'm out of the house, I'm doing something.

You bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no fine touch.

Oh, the triangle guy.

He was a fat starving artist, you know? That's very rare.

Well, I think I can do that. I've played that role before to some critical acclaim.

What's with him? You know, a lot of people have asked that.

I hardly recognize you. You look so...

This is... You really lost weight.

Thank you. Jerry. I'm the boyfriend.

The mother lode.

I can't believe it. You were huge. Like blubber. I couldn't even get my arms around you.

After you stopped seeing me, I was devastated. I couldn't eat for weeks.

You know, I can't get this damn thing to sleep.

Honey... aren't we going to the Poconos next Friday?

Shut up.

Pay dirt.

Hey. I just learned that.

Are you asking because you saw 20/20 last night? I sure am.

Come on, Jerry, you gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts will be all over the place. They'll saw through bone. We'll see what's inside bone.

You're crying from Home Alone? The old man got to me.

Get yourself together. I don't know if I can be friends with you anymore after this display.

It's Clara Nightingale Syndrome. He falls ill, she falls in love. You mean Florence Nightingale. What did I say, 'Clara'? You must have meant Clara Barton.

Clara Barton? What did she do? I'm not sure, but I think she was nice.

Susan B. Anthony I think I'd have a problem with. Yeah, I think you would.

There are ways.

Jerry, Jerry, Dingleberry and Seinsmelled. Seinsmelled? Yeah.

What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? Of course, not everybody can be as sweet as you are.

Now, let's try 'breast.' Celeste. Kest. No. Rest. Sest. Hest? That's not a name.

Aretha. No. Bovary.

Isn't that where they remove the..? Don't ruin it. I haven't seen it yet.

Mulva?

Then we'll watch them go slice this fat bastard up.

What are you eating? Junior Mints. You want one? No. Here. Take one. I don't want one. No, they're good. I don't want any. Just take one. No. Stop... Kramer, stop it.

Did it go in? Yes. Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing... into the patient.

What do you mean, 'Into the patient'? Into the patient. Literally. Into the hole? Yes. The hole.

Well, what did they do? They sealed him up with the mint inside. They left the Junior Mint in him? Yes.

Well, I... I guess it can't hurt him. People eat pounds of those things. Yes, they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity.

Why'd you force that mint on me? I didn't want the mint! What? I didn't believe you. How could you not? Well, who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint. It's delicious. That's true. It's very refreshing.

Just my luck, you know? Just when he was getting thin and attractive.

You know, if the guy dies... the art could really be worth something.

We gotta confess. Really? Yes. We could be tried for murder. I can't have this on my conscience. We're Leopold and Loeb.

What are you so tense about? Nothing, really. Just a homicide.

That's terrific... Mulva.

My aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse.

I was just looking for some gum. Or a mint. I have Junior Mints. No! No. I mean... No, thank you. No.

Hello. Hello, I'm Kramer. Nice to meet you. See you later.

Hi. Hi, I'm George. Nice to meet you, George. Yeah. I gave it a shot.

He's gonna be okay. Where's the luck? There's no luck. Nineteen hundred dollars down the drain.

I have no medical evidence to back me up, but something happened during the operation that staved off that infection. Something beyond science. Something perhaps... from above.

Mint? Those can be very refreshing.

Well, I really think I'm falling for you... 'Joseph Poglia.'

I had it autographed for my uncle. Yeah, I know. You don't know my name, do you?

It rhymes with a female body part. What is it? Mulva?

Gipple? Loleola?

Dolores!

Ages 0 through 10, candy is your life. There's nothing else. Family, friends, school, they're only obstacles in the way of getting more candy.

Only a 7-year-old kid can actually taste the difference between, like, a red M&M and a light-brown M&M. That's two totally different things when you're a 7-year-old. 'Well, your red is more of a main-course M&M... but the brown, it's a more of a mellower flavor. It's an after-dinner M&M, really.'