The Pilot (1)

Hi. My name is Bill. And the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo and a cream-colored couch.

Now, this means, to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Why do we need two people in the show that can't act?

My grandmother's in the hospital. / Your grandmother's in the hospital!

I've never been to Mars, but I imagine it's quite lovely.

Mine was better than that!

Do you, uh...have a ketchup secret?

I don't know why-- Why don't they just put pretzels out on the table? Or even peanuts would be good. But I don't know who eats these cheesy things.

He's that, um, 'Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?' guy.

It's about nothing. / What do you mean it's about nothing? / Well, it's-- It's really-- It's very unusual. / For example, what did you do today? / Um...I got up, um, I went to work, then I came here. / There's a show. That's a show.

You're telling the world, 'I give up!' 'I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'

God would never let me be successful. He'd kill me first. He'll never let me be happy. / I thought you didn't believe in God. / I do for the bad things.

What kind of a therapist are you? I'm paying you, I'm scared that something terrible's gonna happen to me, right away, you start looking for tumors?

I bet you're rooting for a tumor.

If I don't go to the doctor, nothing will happen. If I go, he might find something.

Oh, my God, it's Crazy Joe Davola!

Good luck on the pilot, Jerry.

Anyone call for Vandelay Industries? / No, why? / Listen to me. I told the unemployment office I was close to a job with Vandelay Industries and I gave them your phone number. So when you answer the phone now, you've got to say, 'Vandelay Industries.' / Right! / I'm Vandelay Industries? / You're in latex.

I just came from the podiatrist. I got something wrong with my foot. I got a little gangrene. They're probably gonna have to amputate.

A man gave me a...massage. / So? / Uh, well, he, uh... He had his hands, you know, and, uh, he was, uh... / He was what? / Well, he was, you know... touching and rubbing. / That's a massage. / I think it moved.

It's like a bald convention out there!

No, you didn't. He knows he's bald.

What was that look? / What look? / That look you just gave me. / I gave a look? Yes.

I'm getting rid of all my furniture. All of it. I'm building levels... with steps. Completely carpeted... with pillows. Like ancient Egypt.

Oh...I'll be comfortable.

What happened to the raisins? Yeah, there was a box of raisins there. Did he just steal the raisins? Do you think he stole them?

This is Martin Van Nostrand. / What are you doing here? / You two know each other? / Wait a minute. I know you! You're the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.