The Pitch

He's got the three-cornered hat, knickers...and the Def Leppard shirt.

So it's the whole community that's been grounded.

Don't come down till you make some noodles and raise a barn.

What did they do for toilet paper in the Civil War?

Everything with you comes down to toilet paper...That's always the first question with you.

They should have a toilet-paper museum. Would you like that?

The development of the perforation. The first six-pack.

I'm unbelievable at spelling last names. Give give me a last name.

George. All right. All right.

You coach a gymnastics team in high school, and you're married.

Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics? - You're the teacher. It's only natural. - But gymnastics is not for everybody.

What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?

I could see if I was a pharmacist. Because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody.

Who wouldn't tune in to see a woman with a mustache?

A guy who's just a head.

Look, the show isn't about the circus. It's about watching freaks.

People, they wanna watch freaks. This is a 'can't miss.'

I had a girlfriend. And she was pretty wild. - I don't remember you with a girl. - Nevertheless.

Hey, you know you're getting gypped over here.

Are you reneging out of the deal? Are you reneging? - That's a renege. - Stop saying 'reneging.'

Does that thing work? - No.

Salsa is now the number-one condiment in America. Do you know why? Because people like to say 'salsa.'

Do you have any salsa? We need more salsa. Where is the salsa? No salsa?

You know, it must be impossible for a Spanish person to order seltzer and not get salsa.

I wanted seltzer, not salsa. Don't you know the difference between them? You have the seltzer after the salsa.

This should be the show. This is the show. - What? - This. Just talking.

It's about nothing. - No story? - No, forget the story. - You gotta have a story. - Who says you gotta have a story?

Remember when we were waiting for that table in that Chinese restaurant? That could be a TV show.

People are always saying to me, 'You know, you're quite a character.'

We? Since when are you a writer? - What writer? We're talking about a sitcom.

I don't like it. - What don't you like? - I don't like the idea of a character based on me.

I get to play Kramer. - You can't play Kramer. - I am Kramer. - But you can't act.

Okay, fine, we'll use Newman.

Because the radar detector, as I understand it, detects radar! With a series of beeps and flashing lights.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You better think again, MoJumbo.

Karma Kramer?

Salsa, seltzer. Do you have any salsa? No, not seltzer, salsa.

They're men with jobs, Jerry! They wear suits and ties. They're married. They have secretaries!

That's pretty good.

You're under no obligation to shake my hand.

You do the karate, right? - Yeah, you wanna hit me?

He's doing something. I don't know. It's nothing. He's not doing anything.

Give my best to Hinckley.

Who are they? - They're nobody. - What about me? - What about you? - Why them? Why not me? - Why not you? - I'm just as good as them. - Better. - You really think so? - No.

La Cocina. Actually, it was off-off Broadway.

No, no, he mimed it. That's what was so funny about it.

I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: Nothing.

Well, maybe in philosophy. But even nothing is something.

D-A-L-R-l-M-P-E-L. Not even close.

You read? - Well, I don't know about the reading. We didn't discuss the reading.

Well, why am I watching it? - Because it's on TV. - Not yet.

I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity.

How about this? I manage a circus.

You're not artistic, and you have no integrity.

A team of psychiatrists, working round the clock, thinking about you, having conferences. Observing you, like the way they did with the Elephant Man.

I thought the woman was kind of cute.

We had good eye contact through the whole meeting.

Oh, hello. Oh, hello. - Hello.

Why don't you give me your home number, and I'll call you later? - I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that. - I guess you don't want people calling you at home. - No. - Well, now you know how I feel.

September third. - The third? - The third?

Vomiting is not a deal-breaker. If Hitler had vomited on Chamberlain, he still would have given him Czechoslovakia.

You could hold his head in the toilet, he'd still give you half of Europe.

That's what I think of your party.

When you vomit on somebody, it is a social faux pas from which there is really no recovery.

There's no vomit sympathy-card section of the store, you know.

'Next time, lunch is on me.'

What is this? Why do I got one pant leg on for?

You only shaved the right side of your face.

Yo-Yo Ma!

Can you get vomit out of suede?

They wanna buy it! They wanna buy it! What did I tell you?

Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode. - Would you stop with the Ted Danson?

Yeah, don't worry. He can afford it.

I sleep in my underwear and a T-shirt. If it gets too hot, I just take the T-shirt off.

I know plenty of people in Hollywood too.

There are many things that I think you can point to as proof that the humans are not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we had to invent the helmet.

The idea behind the helmet law is to preserve a brain whose judgment is so poor, it does not even try to stop the cracking of the head it's in.

Go. Go ahead. Go to your fancy fire. If that's what you have to do.

I never had an air conditioner.

I was never able to become a banker.

Story is the foundation of all entertainment. You must have a good story. Otherwise, it's just masturbation.

This show will be like a heart attack. Just a huge, massive coronary.

I said... I said, 'Get out of here. No story? Is that what I said?'

Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.

See! Told you! I told you!

I can't believe she took the money.

Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode. - Would you stop with the Ted Danson? - Well, he does. - You're nuts.

You know, a muffin can be very filling.

What do you mean, 'in my own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?

'Sonny boy, take a good look at him. That's gonna be you someday.'

The punishment should be, instead of traffic school or traffic court, just traffic. They sentence you to 100 hours of traffic.

Five people drive all around you at five miles an hour wherever you go.