The Glasses

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track. There's no way that you could fake this even. 'Things are great. I met a terrific girl, I got a great job...and if everything goes according to plan...I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon.'

It's like getting busted on a parole violation and thrown back into the slammer. 'In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation, I'm afraid.'

You can hold your parents between your fingers. 'Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?'

My father wears his sneakers in the pool. Sneakers.

My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went, 'Ha.'

A smirk? Maybe.

Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

He doesn't let you use the toilet.

Careful. Careful with the suitcases. We just painted.

Hey, I got a terrific joke for you. / I'm not interested. / No, no. It's really funny. / Tell it to the audience.

Bologna? Nobody eats bologna anymore.

I don't feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.

She's one of these low-talkers. You can't hear a word. You're always going, 'Excuse me? What was that?'

Yeah? Yeah. / Yeah. Yeah.

It's, like, a puffy shirt. Well, yeah, it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear.

I think people wanna look like pirates. It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.

You ever seen a silver dollar? / Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.

Would you believe when I was 18 I had a silver-dollar collection? / I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these. I got some kind of a phobia.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. Look what you've done. You've spilled my bag.

Your hands. / What about them? / They're quite exquisite.

What, are you kidding? The knuckles are all out of proportion. You got hair there. Where do you get off comparing your hands to mine?

This is a one-in-a-million hand. That's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.

Are you crazy?! Are you crazy?! You could've damaged my hands! / What? It's just a toy.

You can look at them, but do not touch them.

They're smooth. Creamy. Delicate yet masculine.

Oven mitts? / It's all I could find.

Since I what? / Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. / What are you talking about? You said that you would agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show.

I don't know. I couldn't understand a word she said. I was just nodding.

But I don't wanna be a pirate.

No, you never said milky white. / I said milky white!

Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! / I'm sorry. / You're sorry?

I cannot have this constant bickering. Stress is very damaging to the epidermis.

In two months' time, everybody's gonna be wearing the pirate look.

You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.

You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.

Ray McKigney. / Ray. / He was it. / The most exquisite hands you've ever seen. Oh, he had it all.

He was not master of his domain.

Towards the end, his hands became so frozen he was unable to manipulate utensils and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him.

I won a contest.

You could put a patch over an eye. You could be the pirate comedian.

I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.

You bastard! / That I heard.

Nice shirt. / What is this? Is this what you wore on the show? / Have you completely lost your mind? / Who's dressing you? You look like a complete idiot.

Hot, hot. / I'm sorry. / McKigney had a few good years.

'Avast ye, matey'? What the hell does that mean? 'Twenty degrees off the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon.' There's no comeback for that.

They gave them to Goodwill. / Puffy shirt. Puffy shirt.

Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer?

Why do we always have to say, 'Excuse me' when we can't hear what someone's saying? Why are we so guilty and so...? 'Excuse me. Pardon me. I'm sorry.' Why can't, just once, I go: 'Nope. Not loud enough'?

Someone mumbles something, and you go, 'Your fault. I'm not sorry, because it's your fault.'