Two Weeks

Should've peed before I left

Revolving door, broken. So I have to take the normal door.

I was so nervous, it was the wrong building. I had walked into the wrong building.

He finally has a story we really wanna hear. And he knows it.

You have no idea how high I can fly

You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.

Maybe I'll have one of my own someday. But I dream.

Scotch and Splenda. Tastes like Splenda, gets drunk like Scotch.

Clinky. Clinky-clink. Come on. Come on. Come on.

I'm gonna stay up all day. I'm gonna sleep up all night.

you don't just look in the want ads for a job. You're headhunted.

Any really good headhunter will storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife.

Right, 'cause that's what we're talking about.

Your 'I need you to' is my command.

Is this wine? Busted. Yes. I already have wine.

For regional manager, I've decided to go with an outside hire. For obvious reasons.

Soon could mean anything. Soon could be three weeks. Is that what soon means to you? Sometimes. Then come back soon.

Bandit, no! No, no, no!

It's monster.com. Singular.

Hi, you've reached Prince Paper. We are sad to inform you that after 40 years of serving the community, we are no longer in business. Thank you for your support and may God bless you. Bye!

What am I gonna do?

I'm going to start my own paper company.

Do you know that the industry's in decline? Yeah. Oh, God, I practically invented decline.

Close your eyes. I'd prefer not to. Just close your eyes.

Close them. Okay. All right. Michael Scott Paper Company.

I am not going to do this. Obviously. And you are not going to, either. Agreed. Except...

Typical American arrogance that got us involved in a war we never should have been in. That's a really... World War II.

That is either an incense dispenser or a ceremonial sarcophagus. My German is preindustrial and mostly religious.

Somebody's been talking in bed. Pillow talk.

This is a dream that I have had since lunch and I am not giving up on it now.

Could I take a piece of paper and just tape it with transparent tape? Yeah. Good. Thank you very much.

We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians.

I mean, I didn't have any. You know, to stay trim.

I am aware of the effect I have on women.

She's turning 50 this year.

Location is hard for me with the farm... That's what I was thinking. ...and the responsibilities, so... That's what I was thinking. With the farm. You getting to wherever... It's so crucial... ...I'm gonna put my thing. Okay. So, think about it. Yeah. Let's put a pin in it for now. You know, I would love to put a pin in that.

It's not ready, Kevin! I am at a crucial point where I have sunk four hours into that copier. And I am not gonna let it beat me like that wireless router did.

I made it sterile. Just saying sterile doesn't make it so.

Can you go five years without a salary, Michael? Okay. Five years? You already have the job. You don't have to convince me.

Listen, Stanley, you don't need to answer me now. No. Just... I want you to think about it. No. Okay, you're not letting me finish. No. And you just lost out on a million dollars. No, I didn't. You know what? I had a great time at prom. And no one said yes to that, either.

I know all the buttons. Even the inside ones. I know all the error messages. I could do a bound book in plastic with offset colors, which feels...

I have immunity. It's my two weeks. Not if you're starting a competing paper company, Michael.

You really think Hank is going to be loyal to you? Hank, please escort Charles from the building.

I always thought Michael got a bad rap. He's a good guy. And he's super funny. Yeah, maybe I should tell him before he goes. He's all the way over there.

And I feel free!

And just like that, as mysteriously as he arrived, he was gone.

Andy, he's gone. I know. You don't have to kiss his ass anymore.

Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch. And then when it's over, you're, like, how much time is left on this flight? You know. Now what?

Don't look down. Look straight up. Come on. Please. These are for employees only.

I was going to. I wanted to. But I had to start somewhere. And you didn't want to start with us? No. Of course not. But now I want everybody.

I did have a chance to think about it, but then I thought about something else.

This is not Michael Scott talking right now. This is your future. Hello. I am your future. You are older and you are very happy now, because you went with Michael Scott, right?

Are you doing your best here? Are you being the best that you can be? All right, everybody who's gonna go with me, I want you to stomp your foot.

I think maybe Hank should be here. Hank? You know, I don't need Hank. You're gonna mess with me? Is that what you're gonna do? I'll tell you something, Charles. I don't even care, because I've got nothing to lose.

I'm going with him. What? Pam. I'm going! Pam, you can't be serious. Michael, wait! I'm coming with you. You are? Yeah.

Great. Except I don't want to be a receptionist anymore. Right. Executive assistant. Salesman. All right. Okay. Deal. Deal.

It's not how you leave an office. It's how you... Jim, Jim, Jim. We're having a company meeting here.

Phones? Also, there's been way too much wasting time. So, Stanley? Yes? Yeah, I want you on top of that. Okay, I want you to be my productivity czar.